Love, Monks, Attachment & Heartbreak

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Love, Monks, Attachment & Heartbreak

Postby Still Searching » Mon Sep 30, 2013 8:21 pm

As mentioned and some of DW are aware, I wish to give up my luxury privilledged lifestyle and become a monk and change the world but I'm in love, and she doesn't know how I feel. I can't be with her because she works for my gym. She's okay with the LGBT community but dating colleague who's going to convert to monk or nun (I used to wanna be a man and was bisexual) sounds awkward.
Last edited by Still Searching on Wed Oct 02, 2013 1:23 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: AJ's in love and is confused and needs help!

Postby kc2dpt » Mon Sep 30, 2013 9:09 pm

Could you retype that? It appears some words are missing and I can't understand what you're asking.
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Re: AJ's in love and is confused and needs help!

Postby Still Searching » Mon Sep 30, 2013 11:24 pm

kc2dpt wrote:Could you retype that? It appears some words are missing and I can't understand what you're asking.


I was typing too fast, sorry! It's all fix'd now!
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Re: I'm in love and confused and need advice

Postby kc2dpt » Mon Sep 30, 2013 11:36 pm

Thanks. I can read it now. I still don't see a question though. You are in love with someone but a] she's your employee and b] you want to ordain. What are you confused about?

I'm just shooting in the dark here but...

I don't believe it is typical for a person to shed all desires first and then ordain. "I don't care about love or money or TV so I might as well become a monk." That's backwards. I believe people ordain because they believe shedding all desires is a good thing and ordaining is a way to pursue that goal.

Or they ordain because their parents pushed them into it, but that's a different discussion.
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Re: I'm in love and confused and need advice

Postby Still Searching » Tue Oct 01, 2013 12:52 am

I'm serious about the ordain which is why I'm worried.

I'm not into Buddhism and ordain as some fad.
I'm deeply serious about it, I know the consequences and once one is ordained "he/she" will struggle to turn back time.

Clearly you've got the wrong outlook on me, I'm sorry, I know I come off as pathetic in some ways and it ruins my reputation on here. But I'm sincere about my question.

Please, don't be offended or frustrated at my post and I'm sorry if I come off as less intelligent. I just wanted some advice.
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Re: I'm in love and confused and need advice

Postby kc2dpt » Tue Oct 01, 2013 1:46 am

Still Searching wrote:I'm serious about the ordain which is why I'm worried.

Worried about what? You still haven't said what you are worried or confused about. :thinking:

I know the consequences and once one is ordained "he/she" will struggle to turn back time.

I don't know what "struggle to turn back time" means. :shrug:

Clearly you've got the wrong outlook on me...

I don't have any outlook on you. As I said, I don't understand what your question is. In my last post, I took a guess that maybe you thought you shouldn't ordain if you're in love and I replied accordingly.

I'm sorry, I know I come off as pathetic in some ways and it ruins my reputation on here.

I haven't been around here for a long time so I'm not familiar with your reputation. Hi. Nice to meet you. :hello:

But I'm sincere about my question.

I'm sure you are, but if you could actually ask a question it would be really helpful for me. :twothumbsup:

Please, don't be offended or frustrated at my post and I'm sorry if I come off as less intelligent. I just wanted some advice.

I'll let you know if I start to get offended or frustrated, ok? :computerproblem:
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Re: I'm in love and confused and need advice

Postby Still Searching » Tue Oct 01, 2013 2:20 am

I thought monks or nuns stay single.
That's why I'm confused unless I'm focusing on the old monk ways, I know some choose vows but most monks or nuns have no romantic contact with the opposite or same sex as far as I've seen and because I wish to be ordained, that's why I find the situation difficult.
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Re: I'm in love and confused and need advice

Postby Still Searching » Tue Oct 01, 2013 2:25 am

I'm dyslexic so get things mixed up a lot.

What I meant by a monk or nun struggling to return to their old lifestyles is that I know some monk used to be married or have health issues and giving up everything re-adjusting all over again can be difficult is what I meant.
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Re: I'm in love and confused and need advice

Postby kc2dpt » Tue Oct 01, 2013 12:46 pm

Still Searching wrote:I thought monks or nuns stay single.

Yes, they do.

most monks or nuns have no romantic contact with the opposite or same sex as far as I've seen and because I wish to be ordained, that's why I find the situation difficult.


We're almost to a question. :)

"Should I pursue romantic love or monasticism?"

"Can I pursue both romantic love and monasticism at the same time?"

"Is is right that I pursue monasticism even though I have such strong feeling of romantic love?"

"Is it right that I pursue romantic love even though I have such strong feelings of ordaining?"

Are any of these your question?
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Re: I'm in love and confused and need advice

Postby Still Searching » Tue Oct 01, 2013 1:01 pm

The questions you guess are exactly the ones I'm trying to say, great guess kg :smile:

It's sad for because I can only pick 1 option. :cry:
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Re: I'm in love and confused and need advice

Postby Aloka » Tue Oct 01, 2013 1:25 pm

Hi StillSearching,

Have you actually visited a Buddhist centre, temple or monastery in the UK yet ?

You could perhaps investigate the possibility of staying at a monastery as a lay visitor for a weekend or longer to see what its like. It isn't possible for people to ordain immediately anyway.

With kind wishes,

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Re: I'm in love and confused and need advice

Postby kc2dpt » Tue Oct 01, 2013 2:14 pm

"Can I pursue both romantic love and monasticism at the same time?" No.

"Is is right that I pursue monasticism even though I have such strong feeling of romantic love?" Yes. I would guess that most people who ordain do so while still carrying strong attachments. Hopefully your time ordained will serve to lessen those attachments.

"Is it right that I pursue romantic love even though I have such strong feelings of ordaining?" I would bring it up with the other person in an honest and open way. Some people don't like to get too involved with someone who has doubts about commitment. Or you might both agree to explore a relationship and see where it goes.

"Should I pursue romantic love or monasticism?" That's up to you. I cannot answer this for you. Life is full of tough choices. :hug: Maybe you pursue love for a time and then change your mind and ordain. Maybe you ordain for a while and then change your mind and disrobe to find love. Both of those happen all the time.

I suppose we might find an answer by asking two more questions:

Why do you want to pursue romantic love?

Why do you want to ordain?
- Peter

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Re: I'm in love and confused and need advice

Postby reflection » Tue Oct 01, 2013 11:15 pm

Romantic love kind of feelings are what hold a lot of people back from ordaining, or when ordained make them turn back. As somebody planning to ordain soonish, I know where you are coming from. I think the question you need to ask you is: do you trust these feelings over the feelings of wanting to ordain? Which feeling feels best to act upon? Sometimes you need to not go into certain feelings, like feelings of attachment and desire. When you are in a monastery for a while, these will pop up again also and instead of following them you have to investigate them, take them apart, or maybe simply ignore them.
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Re: I'm in love and confused and need advice

Postby Still Searching » Wed Oct 02, 2013 1:18 am

I haven't visited a temple or monastery yet but I plan to visit the one in Hemel Hempstead.

I'll probably post-phone the ordaining. It appears I still have a lot to learn.

A lot of people were questioning me as to why I wanted to become a monk.
I believe the lifestyle would be good for me, also I want to spread peace.

I feel I'd benefit from the monastery lifestyle. The nuns & monks work hard, they help out the community and they gain friendship.
Such dicipline (good kind, not bad) and escape from the suffering such as the attachment, greed & lust.

But as we all can see, I'm still struggling with the attachment.

Why do I/did I love this woman?
I felt such a powerful connection & chemistry between us.
She intrigued me.
She's a wonderful person but her heart belongs to another :cry:

Many of you know me & don't know me but romantic theft is something I would never do, Buddhist or not Buddhist.

I'm a little proud of myself as I've made a small step in the becoming less attached stage by letting go of something that felt special.

Edit: I wanted to join a monastery before I discovered these feelings.
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