Cianna200 wrote:I admit I have a broken soul and experienced thoughts of suicide to escape the ones who cause me so much pain. This makes me sound like a bad person but there is no one who I trust but what could happen if I killed myself?
So many good comments from others here already, Cianna, and it's so true that when we suffer with depression and suicidal thoughts or ideation, it is our brain and the depression that is sending these maladaptive messages. Yes, there are good therapists that can help you cognitively deal with depressive thoughts, and even refer you for medication if needed.
You are a good person. All of us are good..very good. We have bad ideas, or we do stupid things, but each of us is good, with unlimited potential. Ajhan Brahm, a monk in Australia, talks about suicide, and recognizes that it is a product of the brain and brain dysfunction, He goes on to say, in his usual humorous way, that we as Buddhists generally believe in rebirth, so why violate the First Precept and harm oneself, only to suffer a less fortunate rebirth? If we feel suicide is an escape, we only escape into perhaps a more negative rebirth. The idea is, of course, to make this life that we have now as positive as possible, and to reject the idea that suicide is a real answer to the mental vicissitudes of life. Depression can be like a fraudster that tricks us into thinking something that is really not a good idea, or a solution at all....in the midst of darkness, the idea seems to make sense, but in the light of day and reason it's just not the solution.
So, the Buddha gives us this hope, this path, and this suggestion that we can be free of suffering. In modern times, we can use therapists as well to help reorient our thinking, and set ourselves on a path to better thoughts.
This Dhamma Wheel is an online community, but always know that you are not alone, and that support, be it online, or in your community, is there 24/7 to be of support to you.