The questions of Dr Dukkha

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.

I sometimes would rather not have sex.

Postby Dr. Dukkha » Wed Jul 16, 2014 10:59 am

I feel like women don't really understand the meaning of sex. Many of them are just like the stereotype they throw on men that all they want is sex and not as much love. I love romance! And I don't really care for meaningless sex, I want it to be very meaningful and emotional and passionate. But I have gone through a lot of pain from having sex because it makes me attached to the woman I am having sex with and then I usually get betrayed because a lot of women are swingers. How many women out there are willing to date a guy for like six months before having sex? Maybe earlier, maybe later. But sometimes, it gets really heated and I get in a situation where it is almost customary that when you get in that situation, you almost HAVE to have sex with them or it is really disappointing for them. And I tend to get myself in that fiasco a lot, sometimes doing it within a week of the relationship. I'd rather steer clear of such things because it brings me much emotional pain.
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Severely attached to the Dhamma.

Postby Dr. Dukkha » Wed Jul 16, 2014 11:20 am

I pull all-nighters many times a week, sometime a few in a row, to study Buddhism. I'm so embarrassed. My friends tell me I need help, my parents tell me I need to stop, my grandparents definitely tell me I need to stop. But if I'm attached to anything, it's the Dhamma. It's just so ridiculously enticing and it answers my life questions. I'm sure most of you know exactly what I'm talking about. If I could drop the Dhamma for a little bit, I'd probably be happier than being so hooked onto it that I can't even small talk anymore. Buddhism this, Buddhism that. That's all I can say and I'm spiraling.
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What's the point of metta?

Postby Dr. Dukkha » Wed Jul 16, 2014 11:36 am

If we give someone metta, wouldn't that be giving them pleasure? And if we give someone pleasure, won't it eventually lead to suffering? So wouldn't giving metta mean making people suffer? What am I misunderstanding?
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Re: Why does Buddhism not work for some people?

Postby Feathers » Wed Jul 16, 2014 12:44 pm

Good points in this thread about the pull of cultural and racial background, and starting at too advanced a level.

I've heard it said several times that the monks who last longest in robes are sometimes not the strictest, most devout, most intense, but the ones who are a bit more chilled out about the whole thing. As they're not putting so much pressure on themselves, and don't have such perfect expectations, they encounter less disappointment and avoid burnout.

I think it can be the same in lay life perhaps. 'There's no zealot like a convert', as the saying goes, so those of us who have come to Buddhism through conversion rather than being born into a Buddhist culture can perhaps get a bit too intense about it, demand too much of ourselves too fast.
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Re: What's the point of metta?

Postby Sam Vara » Wed Jul 16, 2014 12:56 pm

Dr. Dukkha wrote:If we give someone metta, wouldn't that be giving them pleasure? And if we give someone pleasure, won't it eventually lead to suffering? So wouldn't giving metta mean making people suffer? What am I misunderstanding?


No, I don't think it would necessarily be giving them pleasure. Here is Ajahn Sucitto on the point of the practice:

As a Dhamma practice, we sustain and deepen the intent of
kindness, irrespective of the various identities and shadow forms
that arise in awareness. That’s enough. We establish clear
awareness and sustain kindness in the moment where impressions
occur and where responses arise. It’s not about conjuring up any
great feelings of emotional warmth, but a process of staying in
touch, of not blaming oneself or others, and of not going into the
past to rehash old issues. The ‘staying at’ that point of the hurt, ill will
and pain then begins to carry the awareness across to
compassion (karunā) and transpersonal wisdom.

http://forestsanghapublications.org/assets/book/Parami.pdf
The broad intention is the key; to the world as a whole, and to you in relationship to that world. I don't think we should expect that particular persons should somehow feel better because we have had thoughts about them.

And no, pleasure doesn't have to lead to suffering. Only if someone identifies with or craves that pleasure; and there are blameless pleasures.

Are you looking after yourself, Dr. Dukkha? Forgive me, but your posts sometimes seem a bit anxious and you have referred to being in states that sometimes don't seem all that happy or productive. You referred earlier to a psychiatrist. Is there medication you should be taking, or a professional you should be talking to about some of these issues? That might be an important form of Metta for yourself...
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Re: Severely attached to the Dhamma.

Postby Dan74 » Wed Jul 16, 2014 1:02 pm

Dr. Dukkha wrote:I pull all-nighters many times a week, sometime a few in a row, to study Buddhism. I'm so embarrassed. My friends tell me I need help, my parents tell me I need to stop, my grandparents definitely tell me I need to stop. But if I'm attached to anything, it's the Dhamma. It's just so ridiculously enticing and it answers my life questions. I'm sure most of you know exactly what I'm talking about. If I could drop the Dhamma for a little bit, I'd probably be happier than being so hooked onto it that I can't even small talk anymore. Buddhism this, Buddhism that. That's all I can say and I'm spiraling.


Why don't you ask all these people why they say that you need to stop and listen carefully to the answers?
_/|\_
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Re: Why does Buddhism not work for some people?

Postby martinfrank » Wed Jul 16, 2014 1:39 pm

:goodpost:
The Noble Eightfold Path: Proposed to all, imposed on none.
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Re: I sometimes would rather not have sex.

Postby LXNDR » Wed Jul 16, 2014 1:58 pm

how about finding yourself a sister in Dhamma and never having sex with her
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Re: What's the point of metta?

Postby LXNDR » Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:06 pm

metta and all brahmaviharas are a means to attenuate the ego and thus the notion of self, because animosity, hostility, ill will are firmly rooted in the ego, in a feeling of being separate from everybody else and having to guard one's personality, its perimeter and everything it finds dear from outsider encroachments for survival sake
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Re: Severely attached to the Dhamma.

Postby kirk5a » Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:11 pm

If you pull a bit of practical Dhamma into your daily life, perhaps you won't feel the need to study/discuss to excess. For example, the practice of wakefulness/mindfulness. There's only so much to read, say and think about that, it's mostly done.
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka ... .than.html
Last edited by kirk5a on Wed Jul 16, 2014 5:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"When one thing is practiced & pursued, ignorance is abandoned, clear knowing arises, the conceit 'I am' is abandoned, latent tendencies are uprooted, fetters are abandoned. Which one thing? Mindfulness immersed in the body." -AN 1.230
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Re: What does the Buddha say about addiction?

Postby waryoffolly » Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:31 pm

https://chrome.google.com/webstore/deta ... foji?hl=en
The above is an excellent tool in helping to set a time to get off the internet and doing it. It has a "nuclear" option to completely blocks all websites for the rest of the day. (The button is always a few clicks away, and only takes on burst of willpower to get to.) Of course, it also has the option to set an amount of time for which your "banned" sites can be visited after which it then blocks. Its only for Chrome. It helped me considerably when I was having similar problems a while ago.

https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefo ... blocksite/
I haven't used this, but this one is for firefoxx if you have it. I would do some research on other options though. I just wanted to point out that regardless of what browser you use you can find something similar.
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Re: Why does Buddhism not work for some people?

Postby TheNoBSBuddhist » Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:42 pm

One other factor I think matters in questions like this, is who or what does the work?

In a Theistic religion, those who follow God are asked to put their faith in God, trust in God, pray to God, and accept that on occasions "God works in mysterious ways".

Those adhering to an eternal Saviour (and I think, for the sake of argument, we should not argue the quality or attributes of god, here) are expected to accept that at times, no answer exists, God knows best and they just need to keep on believing and having faith that it will all be all right in the end....

Buddhism requires You do the work. it requires no faith, in the sense of not knowing what is out there, but with the right attitude and dedication, study, comprehension and understanding, we develop a faith based on our confidence in the teachings of the Buddha and the Dhamma.

In Christianity/Judaism/Islam, you are hitching your wagon to a leader who will bail you out.

In Buddhism, you do the donkey work.

And many, many people cannot come to terms with, accept, or even come round to the idea of having to shed an awful lot of baggage, to make the load lighter.

Christianity does preach having to let go of things; but of far more importance, is the devotion and faith aspect. Letting go is a secondary matter.

Clinging/Grasping, are the main problematic hurdles in Buddhism, and the challenge is therefore tougher.
And some people just find that too much of a bitter pill to swallow.
(They also fail to understand that 'letting go' does not mean giving everything up and not enjoying things like love, companionship or a new car.)
:namaste:

You will not be punished FOR your 'emotions'; you will be punished BY your 'emotions'.



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Re: I sometimes would rather not have sex.

Postby Sea Turtle » Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:51 pm

Dr. Dukkha wrote: a lot of women are swingers.


That is an unfair generalization, Dr. D. It's more fair to say that there are a variety of sexual attitudes and approaches among (all the) genders.

Dr. Dukkha wrote: How many women out there are willing to date a guy for like six months before having sex?


Perhaps many.

Dr. Dukkha wrote:you almost HAVE to have sex with them or it is really disappointing for them


We can recover from this over time.

Dr. Dukkha wrote:I'd rather steer clear of such things because it brings me much emotional pain.


Smart man, you are.

I like LXNDR's suggestion of finding yourself a sister in the Dhamma.

Wishing you well,
Helena
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Re: I sometimes would rather not have sex.

Postby TheNoBSBuddhist » Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:51 pm

Dr. Dukkha wrote:I feel like women don't really understand the meaning of sex
.

I think you may be setting yourself up for a world of contradiction here.
Many women (and men) are of the opinion that women need to feel loved in order to have sex. Men need to have sex in order to feel loved.

You seem to be the exception that proves the rule....

Many of them are just like the stereotype they throw on men that all they want is sex and not as much love.

How many close, loving, sexual relationships have you had, exactly?

I love romance! And I don't really care for meaningless sex, I want it to be very meaningful and emotional and passionate.

Believe it or not, this is the case with most women.
But I have gone through a lot of pain from having sex because it makes me attached to the woman I am having sex with


How soon after you meet them do you usually end up having sex with them?

and then I usually get betrayed because a lot of women are swingers
.
You may need to revise your terminology. A swinger, here, is someone who attends lots of parties and gatherings for multiple sexual encounters, but they usually have a steady and permanent partner.

How many women out there are willing to date a guy for like six months before having sex?


This is a common lament among women too. Women believe that if they do not have sex with their partner 'soon enough' they will lose them. There is a lot of social pressure on women to have sex with a guy, even on the first date.

Maybe earlier, maybe later. But sometimes, it gets really heated and I get in a situation where it is almost customary that when you get in that situation, you almost HAVE to have sex with them or it is really disappointing for them.

This is what many women believe.
And I tend to get myself in that fiasco a lot, sometimes doing it within a week of the relationship. I'd rather steer clear of such things because it brings me much emotional pain.

Then that is your problem. If you feel pressured, and you give in, then you are creating problems for yourself.
It's not their fault you comply.
You could say no....
I find it very strange that you are able to reach a level in a liaison with someone, where you could have sex with them - but you cannot express your own opinions and feelings on the matter sufficiently, to lay out how you feel about things??

You need to talk to your ladies, and early on!
:namaste:

You will not be punished FOR your 'emotions'; you will be punished BY your 'emotions'.



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Pay attention, simplify, and (Meditation instruction in a nutshell) "Mind - the Gap."
‘Absit invidia verbo’ - may ill-will be absent from the word. And mindful of that, if I don't respond, this may be why....
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Re: What's the point of metta?

Postby TheNoBSBuddhist » Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:54 pm

Dr. Dukkha wrote:If we give someone metta, wouldn't that be giving them pleasure? And if we give someone pleasure, won't it eventually lead to suffering? So wouldn't giving metta mean making people suffer? What am I misunderstanding?


So if you fall and break your ankle, I should not give you Metta because it would make you feel comforted?

You need to look at the 4 Brahma-Viharas in detail and understand the level of altruism and detachment required.
It's healthy and beneficial, and compassionate and generous.
:namaste:

You will not be punished FOR your 'emotions'; you will be punished BY your 'emotions'.



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Pay attention, simplify, and (Meditation instruction in a nutshell) "Mind - the Gap."
‘Absit invidia verbo’ - may ill-will be absent from the word. And mindful of that, if I don't respond, this may be why....
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Re: Severely attached to the Dhamma.

Postby TheNoBSBuddhist » Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:58 pm

Dr. Dukkha wrote:I pull all-nighters many times a week, sometime a few in a row, to study Buddhism. I'm so embarrassed. My friends tell me I need help, my parents tell me I need to stop, my grandparents definitely tell me I need to stop. But if I'm attached to anything, it's the Dhamma. It's just so ridiculously enticing and it answers my life questions. I'm sure most of you know exactly what I'm talking about. If I could drop the Dhamma for a little bit, I'd probably be happier than being so hooked onto it that I can't even small talk anymore. Buddhism this, Buddhism that. That's all I can say and I'm spiraling.


Too intense.
You need to find the Middle way and balance.
Or you will burn out.

As the lute strings should be neither too tight, nor too loose, to make pleasant and melodious sounds, so your practice should be balanced and in tune with your life.

Not too much, not too little....

Your attachment to the Dhamma will not serve you well, because at one point, it will be necessary for you to let go of the raft.....
:namaste:

You will not be punished FOR your 'emotions'; you will be punished BY your 'emotions'.



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Pay attention, simplify, and (Meditation instruction in a nutshell) "Mind - the Gap."
‘Absit invidia verbo’ - may ill-will be absent from the word. And mindful of that, if I don't respond, this may be why....
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Re: What does the Buddha say about addiction?

Postby LXNDR » Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:58 pm

Sleepless nights sutta (PM 12) wrote:
Then the Blessed One said 'Come monks, don't be heedless, get off the Web. By getting off the Web you will acquire much sleep, a whole lot of sweet, healthy, deep, wholesome sleep'

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If I meditate without a timer, when do I know to stop?

Postby Dr. Dukkha » Wed Jul 16, 2014 4:08 pm

I usually meditate for 30 mins, but I decided to meditate without a timer today to improve my practice of being present in the moment. When do I stop sitting?
"There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting."
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Re: Is it worth being friends with this girl?

Postby santa100 » Wed Jul 16, 2014 4:18 pm

AN 4.10 wrote:And what, bhikkhus, is the bond of sensuality? Here, someone does not understand as they really are the origin and the passing away, the gratification, the danger, and the escape in regard to sensual pleasures. When one does not understand these things as they really are, then sensual lust, sensual delight, sensual affection, sensual infatuation, sensual thirst, sensual passion, sensual attachment, and sensual craving lie deep within one in regard to sensual pleasures. This is called the bond of sensuality.

Dr. Dukkha wrote:But she has a boyfriend now..

Let her go and wish her all the best. It was a good experience from which you've learned about "the origin and the passing away, the gratification, the danger, and the escape in regard to sensual pleasures"..
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Re: Is it worth being friends with this girl?

Postby TheNoBSBuddhist » Wed Jul 16, 2014 5:10 pm

The more you continue seeing her the more you nurture hope in your heart that something will come of it.

Cut off all contact and do not see her again, or speak with her or have anything to do with her.

I am sending you a PM with a link to a very supportive website. Post your thread there and you will receive the above advice, I guarantee it.

I will also criticise your continued sleeping with her, even though you were out of a relationship.
That's casual sex, or indulging in a FWB situation.

Sex for the sake of it.

Something, in your other thread, you seem to wish to shy away from....

It's a bit self-contradictory, if you don't mind me saying....
:namaste:

You will not be punished FOR your 'emotions'; you will be punished BY your 'emotions'.



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Pay attention, simplify, and (Meditation instruction in a nutshell) "Mind - the Gap."
‘Absit invidia verbo’ - may ill-will be absent from the word. And mindful of that, if I don't respond, this may be why....
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