What Should I Do?

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.

What Should I Do?

Postby Perry » Mon Oct 19, 2009 10:45 pm

Hey!

I currently do a Travel & Tourism course at a nearby college, and tomorrow we are due to go on a college trip to Thorpe Park, a massive theme park over the other side of London.

The thing is, I hate theme parks with a passion and I am extremely nervous about it right now! I told my tutor a few times but he just told me to think about it. I've thought about it and the answer is definitely no, but the only option now seems to be pulling a sickie.

I have Asperger's Syndrome and it makes me struggle with other people, and also gives me a fear of not being in-control of myself, which rules the rollercoasters out for me! Due to my difficulty with communication, I am very much the awkward loner of the class, so I fear that for the first-half of the day I'll be wandering around alone, and for the second-half, everyone will be chasing me around forcing me onto whatever crazy ride they have going at the moment.

I was quite comfortable with not going, but now I don't really appreciate my brother and sister-in-law using emotional blackmail to stop me from not going. Now I'm stuck in the situation of feeling incredible uncomfortable and guilty no matter what I choose!

I just spoke to my mother on the phone who said that ultimately it is my choice, and that there won't be any repercussions of missing just the one trip when I have been so good beforehand, and with a 100% attendance to boot. This made me feel slightly better, but I'm still uncomfortable!

This may sound like babble, but any advice would be helpful.

Cheers.
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Re: What Should I Do?

Postby Cittasanto » Mon Oct 19, 2009 10:50 pm

Well I think you know what to do!

Remeber any feelings of guilt are only yours if you accept them! and any uncmfortaleness is only yours if you accept it!

Be wellmy friend
This offering maybe right, or wrong, but it is one, the other, both, or neither!
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Re: What Should I Do?

Postby Perry » Mon Oct 19, 2009 10:55 pm

Manapa wrote:Well I think you know what to do!

Remeber any feelings of guilt are only yours if you accept them! and any uncmfortaleness is only yours if you accept it!

Be wellmy friend


Thanks for the fast reply!

I think you are right on every account really! Reading back I think I may have been looking for somebody to reinforce my choice rather than to help me make it.

No, I probably won't be going, but it's now mostly a fear of my brother and sister-and-law using it against me! I may have to visit my mother tomorrow to feel better about the situation! She told me I should claim to be ill tomorrow, but come clean when I go into college on Wednesday. Maybe she is right.

I may also go and visit Bhante Samitha, the local monk, for a few hours, it's been a while since I've paid him a visit. At least if I keep busy and spend the day doing positive things I may be able to forgive myself!


Thankyou again.
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Re: What Should I Do?

Postby BlackBird » Mon Oct 19, 2009 11:04 pm

pmwhewitt wrote:At least if I keep busy and spend the day doing positive things I may be able to forgive myself!


There's no need to be so hard on yourself, you're not doing anything wrong.

But in any case visiting your local Bhante is a good idea :twothumbsup:

Metta
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'The Blessed One is the Teacher, I am a disciple. He is the one who knows, not I." - MN. 70 Kitagiri Sutta
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Re: What Should I Do?

Postby zavk » Mon Oct 19, 2009 11:08 pm

Hey pmhewitt

Whatever you choose to do, I think you should be truthful about it. If I were you, I would refrain from claiming something and then saying something else later. If speaking the truth about your situation elicits unskilful responses from others, then they have to take responsibility for their own actions--you can't do that for them. You have taken responsibility for your own circumstances by acting truthfully. Your ethical conduct is your refuge. You'll be fine. :smile:
With metta,
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Re: What Should I Do?

Postby Perry » Tue Oct 20, 2009 12:12 am

Thanks to both of you. Perhaps my new blog entry here http://perrysworld.blogspot.com/, may give you some background to this if you are interested.

Thanks again.
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Re: What Should I Do?

Postby Individual » Tue Oct 20, 2009 5:32 am

BlackBird wrote:
pmwhewitt wrote:At least if I keep busy and spend the day doing positive things I may be able to forgive myself!


There's no need to be so hard on yourself, you're not doing anything wrong.

:goodpost:
The best things in life aren't things.

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Re: What Should I Do?

Postby Aloka » Tue Oct 20, 2009 7:25 am

Hi pmwhewitt,

I have only just seen your post and so its probably too late for you to see this before the outing.

Don't be afraid to speak truthfully about your difficulties.If you have Asperger's Syndrome and were given a statement of special needs at school,then you should be entitled to get some help from the college learning support system. Please investigate this to see if there is any help and support available rather than have to face difficult challenges while you are doing your course. Additionally, if, through this system, tutors are privately made aware of any difficulties that you might encounter it would be helpful to you.
Sometimes an hour a week of one-to-one separate tutoring from a learning support teacher or assistant can be available too, if a student has a previous statement of difficulties on record. Even if this isn't available, your records should be passed on to the college so that any difficulties are taken into consideration.


With many good wishes to you,

Kind regards,

Dazzle
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Re: What Should I Do?

Postby Aloka » Tue Oct 20, 2009 7:35 am

...and I wish you well with your course!

:anjali:
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Re: What Should I Do?

Postby dragonwarrior » Tue Oct 20, 2009 1:59 pm

Hey pmwhewitt,

I hope I'm not too late to reply =)
since I'm also in the tourism course, and actually I'm an introvert person, so I can understand your situation more or less.
In this course, we'll do a lot of communication with people, won't we? You know.. group works, presentations, etc.
I feel hard too sometimes. When I don't want to talk, the situation 'forced' me to. But after almost a semester, I feel easier to communicate with people. You should talk more fella! ;)
Anyway, whatever people say (brother n sister-in-law), it's just words. They just don't know your exact feelings. But I'm sure they actually wanted you to get along with your friends. Your mom had told you, it's absolutely your choice! And like what Jack said earlier, you really don't have to be so hard on yourself. Going or not going, everything will pass by. About what you said that maybe your friends will ask you to do crazy stuffs.. those people don't care about your problem, they just want to have some fun. When you get stressed with this, maybe they're in somewhere bar & don't even remember about you, so don't waste your time to think about it! Like what we have learnt in Buddhism, only you can protect yourself. If you consider that going will only bring you suffer, why go? I suggest you to consider about the benefits & disadvantages of going & not going. maybe it'll help.
Sometimes I care to much about people's opinions about me, and that makes me feel unconfident. Have you ever feel the same? Just think positively and make the right decision. Sorry for the long reply . I just feel we have some similarities :tongue: Relax and you'll do your best.

:anjali:
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Re: What Should I Do?

Postby adamposey » Tue Oct 20, 2009 3:07 pm

pmwhewitt wrote:Hey!

I currently do a Travel & Tourism course at a nearby college, and tomorrow we are due to go on a college trip to Thorpe Park, a massive theme park over the other side of London.

The thing is, I hate theme parks with a passion and I am extremely nervous about it right now! I told my tutor a few times but he just told me to think about it. I've thought about it and the answer is definitely no, but the only option now seems to be pulling a sickie.

I have Asperger's Syndrome and it makes me struggle with other people, and also gives me a fear of not being in-control of myself, which rules the rollercoasters out for me! Due to my difficulty with communication, I am very much the awkward loner of the class, so I fear that for the first-half of the day I'll be wandering around alone, and for the second-half, everyone will be chasing me around forcing me onto whatever crazy ride they have going at the moment.

I was quite comfortable with not going, but now I don't really appreciate my brother and sister-in-law using emotional blackmail to stop me from not going. Now I'm stuck in the situation of feeling incredible uncomfortable and guilty no matter what I choose!

I just spoke to my mother on the phone who said that ultimately it is my choice, and that there won't be any repercussions of missing just the one trip when I have been so good beforehand, and with a 100% attendance to boot. This made me feel slightly better, but I'm still uncomfortable!

This may sound like babble, but any advice would be helpful.

Cheers.


Perry, I assume your name is Perry, let me first tell you that as a person diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome myself, I understand your situation. Asperger's syndrome is a challenging hurdle, but it is a hurdle none the less, and can be gotten over. Nothing I'm about to tell you is a criticism against you, nor do I want you to take it that way, but rather I feel that it would be wrong of me not to be honest with you about this.

The first thing I want to say is that it is very, very, easy to say that "I'm this way because I have..." and that's an even more challenging mental habit to overcome once it's established. The fact that it becomes a habit does not make it true, however. I still struggle with this, but the best piece of advice I can give you is that you are ultimately responsible for all your actions. Asperger's syndrome does not exonerate you from your decisions so far as the rest of the world sees you, avoid using it as a crutch or even an influence on your decision making. Asperger's syndrome is no different than anything else that influences your thinking, and you should be aware of it, but not controlled by it.

When it comes to getting over this disorder, like I said, it's a hurdle. But you will get nowhere if you continue to take the path of least resistance (compliance with the disorder). As a Buddhist you no doubt understand more about your mind, and how out of control it is, than most people in your situation. Use that to your advantage, when Aspie symptoms afflict you call them on it. They are far less intimidating when they're questioned on their own merits, they only control you because you don't question them. I know I'm over-simplifying, so let me give you an example.

I have, at once, struggled with the tactile sensation of the touch of paper. The touch of paper drove me insane, I couldn't handle the way my skin against the paper felt or sounded. I avoided reading, writing with pencils, taking notes, or doing any number of things if involved paper. Eventually when I questioned my aversion to paper I came to the conclusion about what I did not like. Then I had to ask myself "Why does this bother me so?" Did it cause me physical pain? I found that the more I looked into my own behavior, the more I really put myself in the driver's seat, the less power this aversion to paper had over me. Today I own tons of books and I read frequently now.

If you have an aversion to these social situations, for your own sake, ask yourself why and keep in mind that Asperger's is not an excuse, it is not a reason, and in reality it is nothing but a collection of symptoms that we've given a name. Whether or not you believe you are going to have fun at this event is irrelevant, and it's your decision if you want to go or not. But if you're allowing asperger's syndrome to rob you of living then you should take a few minutes to really consider if that's how you want to live—controlled by a collection of changeable behaviors.

I wish you all the best Perry. If you ever need someone to talk to about your struggles feel free to send me a message or even find me on Facebook (posey.adam is my page name). I'll be happy to listen and talk to you. Don't lose one moment to a thing you have control over.
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Re: What Should I Do?

Postby David N. Snyder » Tue Oct 20, 2009 4:26 pm

Perry,

Hope everything works out with whatever you decide. I don't know much about Asperger's Syndrome. At first glance it seems to be severe introversion? But apparently it is more than that. The few I know who have said they have Asperger's Syndrome are all very articulate and smart, so I need to learn more about this.

Exactly what traits make Asperger's Syndrome more than just introversion? I was very introverted myself and I know many others too who were introverted; some got over, some didn't, but not sure if any of us could have Asperger's Syndrome just for being introverted.

Thanks in advance for any information.
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Re: What Should I Do?

Postby Perry » Thu Nov 05, 2009 9:39 pm

Samavata wrote:Hi pmwhewitt,

I have only just seen your post and so its probably too late for you to see this before the outing.

Don't be afraid to speak truthfully about your difficulties.If you have Asperger's Syndrome and were given a statement of special needs at school,then you should be entitled to get some help from the college learning support system. Please investigate this to see if there is any help and support available rather than have to face difficult challenges while you are doing your course. Additionally, if, through this system, tutors are privately made aware of any difficulties that you might encounter it would be helpful to you.
Sometimes an hour a week of one-to-one separate tutoring from a learning support teacher or assistant can be available too, if a student has a previous statement of difficulties on record. Even if this isn't available, your records should be passed on to the college so that any difficulties are taken into consideration.


With many good wishes to you,

Kind regards,

Dazzle


Thankyou. Yes I was offered learning support at the start of the course, but I decided against having "full-time" support, feeling that it would only be a diversion for me and just give me an excuse to avoid socialising with the class. I do have more "casual" help during some lessons though and so it is a very nice balance.

Winny wrote:Hey pmwhewitt,

I hope I'm not too late to reply =)
since I'm also in the tourism course, and actually I'm an introvert person, so I can understand your situation more or less.
In this course, we'll do a lot of communication with people, won't we? You know.. group works, presentations, etc.
I feel hard too sometimes. When I don't want to talk, the situation 'forced' me to. But after almost a semester, I feel easier to communicate with people. You should talk more fella! ;)
Anyway, whatever people say (brother n sister-in-law), it's just words. They just don't know your exact feelings. But I'm sure they actually wanted you to get along with your friends. Your mom had told you, it's absolutely your choice! And like what Jack said earlier, you really don't have to be so hard on yourself. Going or not going, everything will pass by. About what you said that maybe your friends will ask you to do crazy stuffs.. those people don't care about your problem, they just want to have some fun. When you get stressed with this, maybe they're in somewhere bar & don't even remember about you, so don't waste your time to think about it! Like what we have learnt in Buddhism, only you can protect yourself. If you consider that going will only bring you suffer, why go? I suggest you to consider about the benefits & disadvantages of going & not going. maybe it'll help.
Sometimes I care to much about people's opinions about me, and that makes me feel unconfident. Have you ever feel the same? Just think positively and make the right decision. Sorry for the long reply . I just feel we have some similarities :tongue: Relax and you'll do your best.

:anjali:
Winny


Yeah, I was worried from the start about how much group-work and roleplaying was necessary, but travel is one of my main hobbies, and tourism one of the few (realistic!) careers I have an interest in, so I knew it was something that I had to face.

Also, I agree completely when it comes to worrying about what other people think! I am fine with people I know, but my main issue is "timing" I think. I am scared to talk at first in case I say something at the wrong time and look mad! Of course I end up looking mad in the end because I'm so quiet.

adamposey wrote:Perry, I assume your name is Perry, let me first tell you that as a person diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome myself, I understand your situation. Asperger's syndrome is a challenging hurdle, but it is a hurdle none the less, and can be gotten over. Nothing I'm about to tell you is a criticism against you, nor do I want you to take it that way, but rather I feel that it would be wrong of me not to be honest with you about this.

The first thing I want to say is that it is very, very, easy to say that "I'm this way because I have..." and that's an even more challenging mental habit to overcome once it's established. The fact that it becomes a habit does not make it true, however. I still struggle with this, but the best piece of advice I can give you is that you are ultimately responsible for all your actions. Asperger's syndrome does not exonerate you from your decisions so far as the rest of the world sees you, avoid using it as a crutch or even an influence on your decision making. Asperger's syndrome is no different than anything else that influences your thinking, and you should be aware of it, but not controlled by it.

When it comes to getting over this disorder, like I said, it's a hurdle. But you will get nowhere if you continue to take the path of least resistance (compliance with the disorder). As a Buddhist you no doubt understand more about your mind, and how out of control it is, than most people in your situation. Use that to your advantage, when Aspie symptoms afflict you call them on it. They are far less intimidating when they're questioned on their own merits, they only control you because you don't question them. I know I'm over-simplifying, so let me give you an example.

I have, at once, struggled with the tactile sensation of the touch of paper. The touch of paper drove me insane, I couldn't handle the way my skin against the paper felt or sounded. I avoided reading, writing with pencils, taking notes, or doing any number of things if involved paper. Eventually when I questioned my aversion to paper I came to the conclusion about what I did not like. Then I had to ask myself "Why does this bother me so?" Did it cause me physical pain? I found that the more I looked into my own behavior, the more I really put myself in the driver's seat, the less power this aversion to paper had over me. Today I own tons of books and I read frequently now.

If you have an aversion to these social situations, for your own sake, ask yourself why and keep in mind that Asperger's is not an excuse, it is not a reason, and in reality it is nothing but a collection of symptoms that we've given a name. Whether or not you believe you are going to have fun at this event is irrelevant, and it's your decision if you want to go or not. But if you're allowing asperger's syndrome to rob you of living then you should take a few minutes to really consider if that's how you want to live—controlled by a collection of changeable behaviors.

I wish you all the best Perry. If you ever need someone to talk to about your struggles feel free to send me a message or even find me on Facebook (posey.adam is my page name). I'll be happy to listen and talk to you. Don't lose one moment to a thing you have control over.


Thanks very much for this. You are absolutely right. Eventually I let Asperger's get the better of me at around 14 or so and as a result my schoolwork declined dramatically and I became a borderline agoraphobic. The lowest I ever got was at my grandmothers funeral in October 2005. Not only was I too scared to go to the service, but throughout the entire wake - held at my house - I hid in my bedroom, too scared to see my own extended family! The guilt I felt towards my grandmother at the time was terrible, but I just couldn't do it.

Now I am much better, while still remaining shy and reserved, I can easily "play" confident when I am in comfortable surroundings. I am still very introverted in situations where I am a bit anxious (eg; at college), but I am still proud at my improvements.

Thanks again.

David N. Snyder wrote:Perry,

Hope everything works out with whatever you decide. I don't know much about Asperger's Syndrome. At first glance it seems to be severe introversion? But apparently it is more than that. The few I know who have said they have Asperger's Syndrome are all very articulate and smart, so I need to learn more about this.

Exactly what traits make Asperger's Syndrome more than just introversion? I was very introverted myself and I know many others too who were introverted; some got over, some didn't, but not sure if any of us could have Asperger's Syndrome just for being introverted.

Thanks in advance for any information.


Hi there. I didn't go in the end, admittedly. I don't "regret" not going, but do feel a bit sheepish!

I'm not the best person to ask about Asperger's, to be honest. I was diagnosed at a relatively young age (around 7-8), so Asperger's is just normality to me, as opposed to somebody who was diagnosed in adulthood who may see it as an answer! I recommend the Simple Wikipedia entry on Asperger's Syndrome, as it has the majority of the "symptoms" listed in bullet points rather than having to trawl through other sites. The address is; http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger%27s_syndrome. I don't know about Adam and other people, but I'd say about 85-90% of those listed apply to me personally.

Thanks very much to all of you!
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