In Love - what to do about it?

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adosa
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by adosa »

theAYSays,

Are you asking, on a Buddhist forum, if there are some magical chants or rituals you can do, that the Buddha taught, which will help you get the girl? This is not what the Buddha taught. He did teach how to behave ethically within a relationship and how to achieve mundane happiness in the here and now. But as for anything magical, this was not in the Buddha's purview.

sorry,


adosa
"To avoid all evil, to cultivate good, and to cleanse one's mind — this is the teaching of the Buddhas" - Dhammapada 183
Laurens
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Laurens »

Basically, you are attached to this person. You may be deluded into thinking otherwise, but so long as you have feelings and ideas about this person - that in your mind seperate them out from everyone else as being significant and special to you, then you are attached to them.

Now, there is nothing wrong per se about being attached and in love with someone, but this love you feel is suffering - it may not be apparent right now, but as soon as the conditions for your love of this person cease to be met, you will suffer, as soon as you are parted from this person you will suffer and so on. So long as you are aware of this then go head, be in love, but try to see it for what it is because being deluded about things will make it worse for the both of you when it inevitably encounters change.

The best advice I can give is to be kind and understanding towards that person, nothing is going to make this last forever - you should not think of it in these terms. You say you want to spend the rest of your lifetimes with them... I think you're mad :rofl: you'll be sick of them before the end of this life! Why would want that to continue in the next life?

Take this feeling for what it really is, and while it lasts be good to that person, do not see them as something belonging to you and don't expect anything from them, and don't expect things to last forever - you should be ok if you understand that.
"If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
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jcsuperstar
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by jcsuperstar »

run, run as fast and as far as you can..... :tongue:

but seriously, you love a girl who doesn't love you, but you think it would help her to love you, and you want advice about this like you're in a relationship?

maybe you should just wait and see what happens? she could find you totally appalling, you never know. don't set yourself up for heartbreak and remember she is a person not some thing that needs to love you or needs you to fix her.
สัพเพ สัตตา สุขีตา โหนตุ

the mountain may be heavy in and of itself, but if you're not trying to carry it it's not heavy to you- Ajaan Suwat
PeterB
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by PeterB »

Mawkish1983 wrote:
Khalil Bodhi wrote:It sounds as if you're not open to any ideas which may run contrary to the answer you'd like to hear.
Seconded.
This kind of thing is known in counselling circles as " there is a problem for every solution "..... :smile:
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Guy
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Guy »

Hi theAYSays,

Please don't think that you are being attacked or persecuted, the intentions of the people on this forum is to help you to see things clearly. What gives them the right to claim they know something you don't know about your own situation? Fair question. It is because a lot of people on this forum have been practicing the Noble Eightfold Path for a long long time (some perhaps for many lifetimes), watching their own minds very closely and discerning between wholesome states and unwholesome states, cultivating the skilful and abandoning the unskilful. It is because of this thorough understanding of the nature of their own minds that they can see these same skilful, unskilful, wholesome and unwholesome ways of thinking expressed in the speech and actions of others. They might not be reading your mind directly, but what you are saying reveals a great deal about how you think.

It is the very nature of deluded states of mind that they are very difficult for the person under their influence to see them. It is a great help to have friends on The Path to help point out these delusions until we become skilful enough to recognize them ourselves. In the Sedaka Sutta The Buddha used the simile of two acrobats who both protect themselves and each other. If you have Faith in The Buddha, The Dhamma and The Sangha then please try to be humble enough to acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, others might have put in the time and effort to practice the Buddha's teaching to understand the processes of mental defilements by watching themselves and can therefore help others who are going through the same things they have.

I wish you all the best on The Path, it takes a lot of courage and humility to walk this Path. Are you up to the challenge?

With Metta,

Guy
Four types of letting go:

1) Giving; expecting nothing back in return
2) Throwing things away
3) Contentment; wanting to be here, not wanting to be anywhere else
4) "Teflon Mind"; having a mind which doesn't accumulate things

- Ajahn Brahm
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Fede
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Fede »

theAYsays has posted this on another forum - in two different sub-forums.
This hints at a touch of desperation, not to say obsession.....

I really think it's time to ask you, what answer are you looking for?
What is it you want people to actually say to you?
What words do you seek, in answer to your questions?

What would you like to hear us actually respond with?
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk/relationships/forum/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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Dugu
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Dugu »

Love is so blinding isn't it? Most of us have gone through it at one point. :namaste:
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salty-J
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by salty-J »

in my past experiance, the more intense the "love", the more intense the suffering that followed eventually.....
"It is what it is." -foreman infamous for throwing wrenches in fits of rage
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Guy
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Guy »

salty-J wrote:in my past experiance, the more intense the "love", the more intense the suffering that followed eventually.....
A valuable insight.
Four types of letting go:

1) Giving; expecting nothing back in return
2) Throwing things away
3) Contentment; wanting to be here, not wanting to be anywhere else
4) "Teflon Mind"; having a mind which doesn't accumulate things

- Ajahn Brahm
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Annapurna
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Annapurna »

Hello, theAYSays

Several of our members are married and have children, and are still seriously practising Buddhists, for instance Retro and Ben.

So I see no reason why you should go celibate and live like a monk, unless that is what you want to do- ordain.

If the love is mutual, go for it, a marriage and parenthood provide excellent chances to practice Buddhist virtues such as compassion, selflessness and others.

It may also be perfectly consistent with your present karma.

Plus, don't worry about her getting old alone.

You'll age with her, and- believe me, with somebody you've known young you will always see that shining through, especially when you love.

Age is ripples on the water, but not the pond. :heart:

Perhaps you can even be dhamma friends, and that is a precious gift.

I wish you good luck.


Annabel
Sanghamitta
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Sanghamitta »

Perhaps there is a difference between loving someone and being "in love", the latter it seems to me is fairly pathological but usually short lived.. :tongue:
The going for refuge is the door of entrance to the teachings of the Buddha.

Bhikku Bodhi.
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Annapurna
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Annapurna »

Of course there is a difference.

But they can walk hand in hand. If "being in love" subsides, love is still a good horse to pull the carriage, especially when the second horse is being "best friends".

I've seen such couples. Also my parents were such a couple. That's why I know it is possible.
kayy
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by kayy »

I personally don't think that being in a relationship is contradictory to Dharma practice, even when you've reached advanced levels of meditation, practice and awakening.

If that were the case, it would be best to try to convince everyone in the world to aim towards monkhood, thus making extinct the human race.

Ignoring, suppressing or trying to remove desire does not work.



If the girl you love reciprocates your feelings, then go for it, take care of each other and be happy!
kayy
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by kayy »

salty-J wrote:in my past experiance, the more intense the "love", the more intense the suffering that followed eventually.....
Indeed it's true.

I'm ready to do it all over again, though ;-)
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Guy
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Guy »

Hi Kayy,
kayy wrote:I personally don't think that being in a relationship is contradictory to Dharma practice, even when you've reached advanced levels of meditation, practice and awakening.

If that were the case, it would be best to try to convince everyone in the world to aim towards monkhood, thus making extinct the human race.
Some progress on the Path is certainly possible (even the fruits of Stream-Entry and Once-Returning) while in a relationship, but if we want to make an end of suffering and rebirth in this lifetime then we should avoid getting involved. Not everyone wants to end suffering and rebirth in this lifetime, therefore you don't have to worry about everyone in the world becoming a Bhikkhu or a Bhikkhuni.
kayy wrote:Ignoring, suppressing or trying to remove desire does not work.
I agree that ignoring sensual desire won't solve the problem, but once we see (with Right Mindfulness) that there is sensual desire in our mind then we can work at abandoning it through Right Effort.

With Metta,

Guy
Four types of letting go:

1) Giving; expecting nothing back in return
2) Throwing things away
3) Contentment; wanting to be here, not wanting to be anywhere else
4) "Teflon Mind"; having a mind which doesn't accumulate things

- Ajahn Brahm
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