Personal Issue: Help Sought

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theravada_guy
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Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby theravada_guy » Mon Jan 25, 2010 2:48 am

Greetings all,

The things I am about to open for discussion are one of the reasons I really wish I had access to the Sangha. Well, here goes:

I am on a dating site and I made contact with this one girl on there. I really liked her and was interested in her, until she made it known she likes to "smoke and drink sometimes". I asked "smoke cigarettes?" and she informed me it was marijuana that she smokes sometimes. In a later conversation she referred to herself as a "pot head". Now, I don't smoke marijuana or do any drugs other than what are prescribed for me. I don't even drink, not even a casual one here and there. Nor do I use tobacco in any form. I have no intentions of meeting with this girl in person, we are just online friends. Is this acceptable, to be online friends, or would it be advisable to cease contact? Any advice anyone can give me on this, especially if there are any bhikkus on here, would be greatly appreciated.
With metta,

Justin

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Kim OHara
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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby Kim OHara » Mon Jan 25, 2010 3:03 am

Hi, Justin,
Commonsense lay opinion, FWIW:
Nothing wrong with chatting to her online, but don't invest too much emotional energy in it: either the conversation will fizzle out because you really don't have enough in common or you will end up wanting to meet, which is not what you really want.
:thinking:

On a more specifically dhammic point, talking to you may be good for her but the she sounds unlikely to aid you progress. [Insert quote of choice about 'dhamma friends.']

Metta,

Kim

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby theravada_guy » Mon Jan 25, 2010 3:18 am

Greetings Kim,

Thank you for your advice. You're right, I definitely don't want to meet her in person. We don't really talk all that much. There's only really been one time we had a long conversation.

Yes, Dhamma friends. I could use some of those. There is a city about 45 minutes away that has an Insight Mediation group. They sit for half an hour. I can barely sit for more than ten minutes, so I was waiting to attend until I got to where I could sit for longer periods. They say you can get up and quietly walk around, but I would feel like I would be disturbing the other meditators by doing that. I'm also waiting 'til the weather around here gets better.

Again, thank you for your advice. I figured it was okay to chat online, but wasn't too sure. I know the Internet didn't exist back the Buddha's time, so we don't know for sure what He would say...At least I don't think we do.
With metta,

Justin

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby appicchato » Mon Jan 25, 2010 11:50 am

theravada_guy wrote:I figured it was okay to chat online, but wasn't too sure.


In the situation your referring to you might ask yourself where, or what, the benefit is...and will this help you in your practice...walking the walk is a full time endeavor...

Be well... :smile:

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby Mawkish1983 » Mon Jan 25, 2010 12:18 pm

Plenty of folk here will be (and are) more than happy to be your friend. Sometimes we all get lonely.

What is it you're looking for in a friendship with this woman? Seems like an odd pairing to me, but then I have my own relationship issues.

Anyway, DW isn't always so serious. If you're after some lighthearted but not unwholesome fun, try the lounge :)

Edit: just looked at the sign on the door, we ARE in the lounge! Whoops. Ignore me, lots on my mind :)

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby theravada_guy » Mon Jan 25, 2010 7:24 pm

Greetings all,

To be honest, all the "friends" on my Yahoo Messenger, there's only one I generally ever initiate contact with. Sometimes, even these "friends" don't treat me in the most friendliest manner. If they're having a bad day, sometimes I'm the one it gets taken out on. But generally that's only *if* I initiate the contact. Now, of course, I'm no prince. I have my own issues I'm dealing with. But I try to treat others as I would like to have them treat me. That's the usual way of saying it. I usually just say, "I try not to do things to other people I wouldn't want done to my own person". Same thing, just a different way of saying it. Obviously, I fall short on this at times.

As far as what I'm looking for in a romantic relationship, I'm beginning to think maybe I don't want one as bad as I thought I did. It seems like they all at least drink socially, and most of them have at least one child. My last girlfriend had one child, plus she was pregnant. In the beginning, I thought I could handle it. But then, after awhile, it occured to me that I could not handle two children, especially an infant. So, I did what I thought was fair to the children, and broke up with her. Maybe that's not really fair to her, but the children come as a packaged deal. I'm just not ready to be a father figure yet. Like I said, I have my own issues to deal with right now, before taking on someone else's. It's just too bad I couldn't have realized this sooner. I think I need to just take a break from looking for a girlfriend, and focus on my own stuff. Of course, I wasn't looking for one night stands, but a true, long term, monogamous relationship.

I would greatly appreciate anyone contacting me on Yahoo Messenger to talk, just as long as it's not out of pity, but out of genuine interest in being friends.
With metta,

Justin

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby Mawkish1983 » Mon Jan 25, 2010 7:39 pm

Alas, Y! Messenger isn't my "bag". I used to be a chat addict until very recently, so I'm cutting back. A few of us here use facebook though, if it's privacy you're after. My facebook URL is http://www.facebook.com/mawkish1983 . There's a thread full of users' facebook URLs somewhere.

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby theravada_guy » Mon Jan 25, 2010 7:52 pm

Greetings mawkish,

It's okay. However, I don't use Facebook or any social networking site. I have in the past, but didn't like them. So, I quit using such sites.
With metta,

Justin

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby Kim OHara » Mon Jan 25, 2010 10:53 pm

So many ways to communicate, yet so few of us end up with the quality of communication we want ...
:thinking:
I haven't come across any real substitute from good old-fashioned face-to-face real-time conversation.
What the others gain in convenience they lose in richness.

Kim

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby theravada_guy » Tue Jan 26, 2010 12:16 am

Kim,

Not to mention all the miscommunication that occurs. You could be saying something all nice, calm and gentle, and the other person thinks you're yelling at 'em. It's happened to me. I myself sometimes misinterpret what others are saying. There just isn't a really good way to communicate since there's no tone of voice and things like that. Yes, there are smileys, but they only go so far. So, I understand what you mean about face to face conversation being the best.
With metta,

Justin

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby Fede » Wed Jan 27, 2010 1:38 am

sadly, this good ol'fashioned original and timeless method seems to be loosing favour with the young....
They seem to indulge more in 'txtspk with u 2morro nite f u cn b there...'
I frequent a relationships forum, and the times young people come in posing questions like "what does she mean when she...." or "why did he say *such-and-such*...?"
or again "I don't understand, can somebody help? My BF said that *insert comment here*.....but I'm not sure what he wants...."

And predominantly, the response these types of post receive is -
"Why don't you ask him/her?"

with a final reply from the OP...
"Oh, yeah, ok, I didn't think of that........" :rolleye:

Ah the art of worthy and constructive communication...... dying.... :cry:
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk/relationships/forum/

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby tiltbillings » Wed Jan 27, 2010 1:42 am

theravada_guy wrote: Any advice anyone can give me on this,

Don't think with your penis.
This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond.
SN I, 38.

Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireas na daoine.
People live in one another’s shelter.

dheamhan a fhios agam

"We eat cold eels and think distant thoughts." -- Jack Johnson

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby Mawkish1983 » Wed Jan 27, 2010 1:44 am

tiltbillings wrote:Don't think with your penis.

Excellent advice.

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby Almaril » Wed Jan 27, 2010 11:28 pm

Greets everyone!
I don't really see what is the problem - the basis of this avoidance - of meeting people who are doing drugs. I am quite new to practical buddhism and just starting to take my spiritual journey into my hands, but this made me wonder.
Specially I am thinking about thc (pot) or psychedelics, such as LSD or mushrooms. Why on one hand I understand that one tries to live a pure life - like the opener of this topic - and get away from addictive and harmful influences I feel that we, human beings are somewhat responsible for each other. And whilethere is the chance of "getting burned" while hanging out in social drinking nights, but making friends and sharing the Dharma with a bit more tolerance towards people can be something really valuable for both peers. Also, my really strong impression through meeting a decent amount of people who are engaged with psychoactive substances - still, mostly thinking about THC, LSD and shrooms - that they are really open to spirituality and does seek connection with the Dharma through these extraordinary experiences.

Am I being too Mahayana? :D

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby Dan74 » Wed Jan 27, 2010 11:36 pm

Kim O'Hara wrote:So many ways to communicate, yet so few of us end up with the quality of communication we want ...
:thinking:
I haven't come across any real substitute from good old-fashioned face-to-face real-time conversation.
What the others gain in convenience they lose in richness.

Kim


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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby retrofuturist » Wed Jan 27, 2010 11:42 pm

Greetings Almaril,

Almaril wrote:Am I being too Mahayana? :D


I don't know how Mahayana practitioners would feel about being linked to mind-altering substances in this way!

:shock:

I agree that people with spiritual aspirations might well find themselves using mind-altering substances as part of a spiritual quest, but I think they do this having written religion off as a dead-end without sufficiently investigating what Buddhism has to offer.

The Dhamma cuts through wrong view rather than adding to it.

Metta,
Retro. :)
If you have asked me of the origination of unease, then I shall explain it to you in accordance with my understanding:
Whatever various forms of unease there are in the world, They originate founded in encumbering accumulation. (Pārāyanavagga)


Exalted in mind, just open and clearly aware, the recluse trained in the ways of the sages:
One who is such, calmed and ever mindful, He has no sorrows! -- Udana IV, 7


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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby LauraJ » Thu Jan 28, 2010 12:05 am

appicchato wrote:
theravada_guy wrote:I figured it was okay to chat online, but wasn't too sure.


In the situation your referring to you might ask yourself where, or what, the benefit is...and will this help you in your practice...walking the walk is a full time endeavor...

Be well... :smile:


:goodpost:
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Conquer the angry man by love. Conquer the ill-natured man by goodness. Conquer the miser with generosity. Conquer the liar with truth. -The Dhammapada

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby theravada_guy » Thu Jan 28, 2010 3:17 am

Almaril,

I believe the Buddha has advised us to keep good company. I don't think making it a point to hang out with any type of drug user, or alcoholic, could be considered 'good company'. Besides that, alcohol and drugs (especially ones like LSD and shrooms) alter the mind. One of the Five Precepts we take as practicing Buddhists is to avoid intoxicants. I don't know if it was on here, or somewhere else, but I read "Breaking this precept, could lead to breaking the others". I've had a lot of thoughts I've typed out and deleted, deciding not to say them. I'm sure more knowledgeable members of the forum could elaborate on what I'm trying to say here. But by any means, it doesn't mean that I believe I am "above" this person, it's just their lifestyle practices may not be the best to be around.
With metta,

Justin

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby LauraJ » Thu Jan 28, 2010 3:28 am

Almaril wrote:Greets everyone!
I don't really see what is the problem - the basis of this avoidance - of meeting people who are doing drugs. I am quite new to practical buddhism and just starting to take my spiritual journey into my hands, but this made me wonder.
Specially I am thinking about thc (pot) or psychedelics, such as LSD or mushrooms. Why on one hand I understand that one tries to live a pure life - like the opener of this topic - and get away from addictive and harmful influences I feel that we, human beings are somewhat responsible for each other. And whilethere is the chance of "getting burned" while hanging out in social drinking nights, but making friends and sharing the Dharma with a bit more tolerance towards people can be something really valuable for both peers. Also, my really strong impression through meeting a decent amount of people who are engaged with psychoactive substances - still, mostly thinking about THC, LSD and shrooms - that they are really open to spirituality and does seek connection with the Dharma through these extraordinary experiences.

Am I being too Mahayana? :D


I don't understand this last question, about being too Mahayana. What does it mean? :?
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Conquer the angry man by love. Conquer the ill-natured man by goodness. Conquer the miser with generosity. Conquer the liar with truth. -The Dhammapada

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Re: Personal Issue: Help Sought

Postby Guy » Thu Jan 28, 2010 3:53 am

tiltbillings wrote:
theravada_guy wrote: Any advice anyone can give me on this,

Don't think with your penis.

:rofl:
You have a way with words Tilt.

I think what Tilt is trying to say is that maybe you wouldn't talk with this person if they identified themselves as a "pothead" and happened to be male. Is this accurate Tilt?
Four types of letting go:

1) Giving; expecting nothing back in return
2) Throwing things away
3) Contentment; wanting to be here, not wanting to be anywhere else
4) "Teflon Mind"; having a mind which doesn't accumulate things

- Ajahn Brahm


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