Understanding Engineers

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.

Understanding Engineers

Postby cooran » Mon Feb 08, 2010 9:53 pm

Understanding Engineers - Take one
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting
for fifteen minutes !'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
H e bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby effort » Mon Feb 08, 2010 10:47 pm

:tongue:
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby mikenz66 » Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:02 pm

The Hotel Fire
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying for the night in a hotel. Fortunately for this joke, a small fire breaks out in each room.

The physicist awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on the back of the hotel's wine list does some quick calculations. Grabbing the fire extinguisher, he puts out the fire with one, short, well placed burst, and then crawls back into bed and goes back to sleep.

The engineer awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on the back of the hotel's room service list (pizza menu) does some quick calculations. Grabbing the fire extinguisher (and adding a factor of safety of 5), he puts out the fire by hosing down the entire room several times over, and then crawls into his soggy bed and goes back to sleep.

The mathematician awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on a blackboard installed in the room, does some quick calculations. Jubliant, he exclaims "A solution exists!", and crawls into his dry bed and goes back to sleep.

Alternate Ending
The mathematician awakes, sees the cooling embers of the fire from one of his neighbors, fans it back into a roaring inferno, observes that "this reduces to a previously solved problem", crawls into his warm bed, and goes back to sleep.

http://www.farmdale.com/emp-jokes.shtml

Metta
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby zavk » Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:33 pm

mikenz66 wrote:
The Hotel Fire
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying for the night in a hotel. Fortunately for this joke, a small fire breaks out in each room.

The physicist awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on the back of the hotel's wine list does some quick calculations. Grabbing the fire extinguisher, he puts out the fire with one, short, well placed burst, and then crawls back into bed and goes back to sleep.

The engineer awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on the back of the hotel's room service list (pizza menu) does some quick calculations. Grabbing the fire extinguisher (and adding a factor of safety of 5), he puts out the fire by hosing down the entire room several times over, and then crawls into his soggy bed and goes back to sleep.

The mathematician awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on a blackboard installed in the room, does some quick calculations. Jubliant, he exclaims "A solution exists!", and crawls into his dry bed and goes back to sleep.

Alternate Ending
The mathematician awakes, sees the cooling embers of the fire from one of his neighbors, fans it back into a roaring inferno, observes that "this reduces to a previously solved problem", crawls into his warm bed, and goes back to sleep.

http://www.farmdale.com/emp-jokes.shtml

Metta
Mike



:)

I know there's a mathematician amongst us. I wonder what that person thinks of this? :)
With metta,
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby Dan74 » Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:04 am

Thanks cooran! :thumbsup:
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby AdvaitaJ » Tue Feb 09, 2010 1:02 am

:toast:

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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby cooran » Tue Feb 09, 2010 3:00 am

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."
The man below said, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break. The first surgeon said, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon responded, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."
Then the fourth doctor interceded, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
To which the fifth surgeon, who had been quietly listening to the conversation, replied, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison.
The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done."
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby Modus.Ponens » Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:27 am

A metajoke:

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anedocte, indeed an anedocte quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subjest of an anedocte and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humor from similar anedoctes, but considers this anedocte to be to trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
Last edited by Modus.Ponens on Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby Modus.Ponens » Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:30 am

zavk wrote::)

I know there's a mathematician amongst us. I wonder what that person thinks of this? :)



Hi zavk

If you're talking about me (because of my avatar), I'm not a mathematician. I'm still a student.

:focus:
And the Blessed One addressed the bhikkhus, saying: "Behold now, bhikkhus, I exhort you: All compounded things are subject to vanish. Strive with earnestness!"
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby fig tree » Tue Feb 09, 2010 7:37 am

zavk wrote:I know there's a mathematician amongst us. I wonder what that person thinks of this? :)

These are old jokes, but that's okay. ;)

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are traveling in Scotland when they see a sheep.

The engineer thinks, "I didn't know they had black sheep in Scotland."

The physicist thinks, "There's at least one black sheep in Scotland."

The mathematician thinks, "There exists, in Scotland, a sheep, black on at least one side."

Fig Tree

[edited for spelling]
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby Dan74 » Tue Feb 09, 2010 8:02 am

The subset of Dhamma Wheel members who are also mathematicians contains at least two elements, zavk.

But for an Arts student your mistake is quite understandable. :smile:

Yeah, I've heard the maths jokes before. They are OK. The only "offensive" one that I know is

Q: Why does every major University have a Maths department?
A: Because it's cheaper than institutionalising them.

:jumping: :rolleye:

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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby cooran » Tue Feb 09, 2010 8:09 am

They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too, decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says, "Hey, I think the problem is that the cable is binding right here ... "

============================

What it Means to Be a Real Engineer
1. Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
2. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
3. Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for "efficiency," not because they're lazy.
4. Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
5. Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
6. Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
7. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, and automatic transmissions.
8. Real Engineers say: "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin." And all you say is: "Isn't it a nice day."
9. Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
10. Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying: "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car."
11. Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
12. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
13. Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
14. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a birdbath.
15. Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics," and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
16. Real Engineers know that Halloween is really the same as Christmas, because OCT 31 = DEC 25. (If you _don't_ get it, then you're not a Real Engineer.)
17. Real Engineers don't really find the above at all funny.
====================================
You May Be an Engineer If - Part I
1. You introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" or husband as "myman@tv.hubby."
2. Your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
3. If Dilbert is your hero.
4. You can name six Star Trek episode titles.
5. The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
6. Your wristwatch has more computing power than a Pentium III.
7. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
8. You use a CAD package to design your child's Pine Wood Derby car.
9. You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
10. At Christmas, it goes without saying, that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
11. You window-shop at Radio Shack.
12. Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
13. You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
14. You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
15. You are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage-door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
16. You have modified your can opener to be microprocessor-driven.
17. You If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
==================================

You May Be an Engineer If - Part II
18. You have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see what's inside.
19. A team of you and your co-workers has set out to modify the antenna of the radio in your work area for better reception.
20. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
21. You have never backed up your hard drive.
22. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
23. You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."
24. You see a good design and still have to change it.
25. The salespeople at Circuit City or Best Buy can't answer any of your questions.
26. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers but you don't remember where they are.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have more toys than your kids.
30. You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
31. Your I.Q. is bigger than your weight.
32. The microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix them.
33. You can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
34. You have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
35. Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
36. You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
=====================================
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby Paññāsikhara » Tue Feb 09, 2010 11:20 am

hehe.

Engineers.

:coffee: :guns: :alien: :toast: :toilet:

Ah, memories!!

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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby kayy » Tue Feb 09, 2010 3:56 pm

The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'



INDEED!

From a jobless, penniless Katy

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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby Euclid » Fri Feb 12, 2010 7:15 am

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg looks around the bar and says, "Because there are three of us and because this is a bar, it must be a joke. But the question remains, is it funny or not?"

Godel thinks for a moment and says, "Well, because we're inside the joke, we can't tell whether it's funny or not. We'd have to be outside looking at it."

Chomsky looks at both of them and says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong!"
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby Kim OHara » Fri Feb 12, 2010 7:20 am

I like it ... but I can't help slipping in another in-joke:

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg looks around the bar and says, "Because there are three of us and because this is a bar, it must be a joke. But is it funny or not? I'm uncertain. What do you think?"

Godel thinks for a moment and says, "Well, because we're inside the joke, we can't tell whether it's funny or not. We'd have to be outside looking at it."

Chomsky looks at both of them and says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong!"

:juggling:
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby Dan74 » Fri Feb 12, 2010 8:00 am

This is really an insiders joke.

Clever... :thumbsup:

Maybe people can be inspired to read about these guy's work. It's good stuff!

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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby RayfieldNeel » Fri Feb 12, 2010 5:53 pm

Great stuff!

<==Engineer :)
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby catmoon » Tue Feb 16, 2010 8:17 pm

Prime numbers:


A mathematician thinks, one is a prime, three is a prime, five is a prime, therefore all odd numbers are primes.

A physicist thinks, one is a prime, two- experimental error, three is a prime, five is a prime therefore all odd numbers are prime.

An engineer thinks, one is a prime, two is a prime, three is a prime, four is a prime, five is a prime....
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Re: Understanding Engineers

Postby Dan74 » Tue Feb 16, 2010 9:46 pm

1 is not prime - it has only one divisor.

Oh the ignorance! :cry:

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