robertk wrote:"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
Reminds me of this Freudian exchange in the hell scene in G.B. Shaw’s Man and Superman:
DON JUAN. You would rather not meet [your father], probably.
ANA. How dare you say that!
DON JUAN. Oh, that is the usual feeling here. You may remember that on earth—though of course we never confessed it—the death of anyone we knew, even those we liked best, was always mingled with a certain satisfaction at being finally done with them.
ANA. Monster! Never, never!
DON JUAN. [placidly] I see you recognize the feeling.
Yena yena hi maññanti,
tato taṃ hoti aññathā.
In whatever way they conceive it,
It turns out otherwise.
(Sn. 588)
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan " --A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
.Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.
Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.
A mahayana buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.” The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within”
robertk wrote:
A mahayana buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.” The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within”
A theravada buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says "make me one without any ketchup, mayonnaise or mustard." The vendor hands him a completely dry burger. The theravada monk replies "abhidhamma-perfect!"
A jain monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says "make me one with no meat, no onions, no mushrooms, no garlic, no root vegetables, no vegetables that are not organic, and no vegetables or grains that are out of the ayurvedic vata balance." The vendor hands him an empty plate.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot... or is it 87.2%?
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
robertk wrote:
A mahayana buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.” The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within”
A theravada buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says "make me one without any ketchup, mayonnaise or mustard." The vendor hands him a completely dry burger. The theravada monk replies "abhidhamma-perfect!"
A jain monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says "make me one with no meat, no onions, no mushrooms, no garlic, no root vegetables, no vegetables that are not organic, and no vegetables or grains that are out of the ayurvedic vata balance." The vendor hands him an empty plate.
(just made those up on the spot.)
Don't quit your day job, David! Actually, the first one is kind of cute
Apparently there is a new scam perpetrated on mature men.
At the local malls two attractive young women wearing shorts and lowcut blouses wash your car - in a perfunctory way- while you are shopping . when you arrive back at your car they show you their work And ask if you would mind, as a kind of reward, dropping them near a local restaurant or some such.
This is where the trouble begins. As soon as they get in the car one of them leans over and tries to kiss you while the other, taking advantage of the distraction, reaches in your pocket for your wallet.
It happened to me last month on April 2. Then on April 4th and 7th and 16th. Twice on Saturday and I will probably head back again tonight if they are still there.
Please pass this around and warn everyone you know.
Actually, the first one is kind of cute 
