Joke!!!

A place to discuss casual topics amongst spiritual friends.
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Ben
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Ben »

Was it a doctor who is a witch specialist or was it a witch with a doctorate?
The mystery deepens!
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Image


These lyrics are Ear Worms:
Witch Doctor - Ooh Eeh Ooh Ah Aah Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYgOlqinH7A" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

with metta
Chris
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by DNS »

A person who graduates at the bottom of the US Military Academy (West Point) in the U.S. is called a "goat".

Question:

What do you call the person who graduates at the bottom of his medical school class?

Answer:
Doctor.

I like to tell this story / joke to make a point that the prestige of a university is also not as important as the degree title. For example, it is better to have a doctorate from Univ. of Nevada than only a B.A. from Harvard, (in my opinion).
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Found on Facebook: Buddhist Cartoons
http://buddhist-cartoons.blogspot.com/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
Lombardi4
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Lombardi4 »

What fun does a monk have? Nun.
Jhana4
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Jhana4 »

Stefan wrote:What fun does a monk have? Nun.
Groan
In reading the scriptures, there are two kinds of mistakes:
One mistake is to cling to the literal text and miss the inner principles.
The second mistake is to recognize the principles but not apply them to your own mind, so that you waste time and just make them into causes of entanglement.
Lombardi4
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Lombardi4 »

Jhana4 wrote:
Stefan wrote:What fun does a monk have? Nun.
Groan
Actually, I didn't make it up. I heard it from Ajahn Brahm, who in turn learned it from his father. :D
Jhana4
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Jhana4 »

So, you are only an accessory instead of the perpetrator? :)
In reading the scriptures, there are two kinds of mistakes:
One mistake is to cling to the literal text and miss the inner principles.
The second mistake is to recognize the principles but not apply them to your own mind, so that you waste time and just make them into causes of entanglement.
Lombardi4
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Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2009 2:53 pm

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Lombardi4 »

Jhana4 wrote:So, you are only an accessory instead of the perpetrator? :)
Yep!
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
=========================================

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.

"I promised not to tell!" he says.

"Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!"
'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy.

'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months."

Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
========================================

An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Bumper Stickers

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
chownah
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by chownah »

Hey Cooran,
Did you ever call up the Buddhist Hair Salon and make an appointment to get an impermanent?
chownah
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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

cooran wrote:A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
We relearn this every cyclone season.
:thinking:
Kim
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

An Aussie Story

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away.
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, Assess the risk, and always wear your Jocks!
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Sad
Sad Who?
Nahhh, just a Kshatriya
------------------------------------
Q. If Bhumblebhees decided to leave the Hive to live the Holy Life, Who would teach them the Dhamma?

A. Why, a BheeQhueenie, of course!
------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the Buddhist coroner get the sack?

Answer:: because he’d always record the cause of death as 'birth'.
---------------------------------------
Peace of mind
The day after completing a 9 day Vipassana retreat, Dave turns up for work at the Zoo. Seeing how chilled out Dave is, the head keeper puts him in charge of the tortoise enclosure. Dave slowly walks over to the cages. At lunch time, the head keeper checks on Dave only to see the cage door is wide open and all the tortoises gone! He runs up to Dave and asks, “What happened with the tortoises?”
“Well”, said Dave very slowly, “I opened the tortoise cage door and it was, like, Whoosh!”
Ajahn Brahm
-----------------------------------------
Doing nothing
A Buddhist phones the monastery and asks the monk “Can you come to do a blessing for my new house?”
The monk replies “Sorry, I’m busy.”
“What are you doing? Can I help?”
“I’m doing nothing”, replied the monk, “Doing nothing is a monk’s core business and you can’t help me with that.”
So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you please come to my house for a blessing?”
“Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.
“But that was what you were doing yesterday!”, said the Buddhist.
“Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet!"
Ajahn Brahm
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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