Joke!!!

A place to discuss casual topics amongst spiritual friends.
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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk »

Here are a list if some of favourite songs from long ago, with updated lyrics to fit the original generation now:

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"

The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made For Bunions"

The Beatles - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"

Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"

Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"

Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"

Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"

Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk »

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to Brag, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, large male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "Oh My God...."
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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk »

So I have some more advice on how to be a success with your wives for you men( and some advice for the women on Dhammawheel at the end):

How to satisfy a woman, every time.

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed,
tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube,
stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite,
pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,
toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave,
return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl,
show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend,
implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel,
ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce,
aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify,
sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil,
embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug,
locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate,
repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for,
die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit,
enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle,
snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate,
spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify,
take her places,scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade,flip,
flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather,
mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle,slam-dunk,
keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate,gelatinize,
brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coralwax,
ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant,idolize
and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.


HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up in a tight dress. With pizza.
sattva
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by sattva »

robertk wrote:Here are a list if some of favourite songs from long ago, with updated lyrics to fit the original generation now:

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"

The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made For Bunions"

The Beatles - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"

Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"

Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"

Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"

Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"

Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
Too funny! :jumping:
http://www.chatzy.com/25904628501622
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Smartphones killing conversation
http://higherperspectives.com/smartphon ... /?ts_pid=2" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk »

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one and buy a bull.
* Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

* You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM
* You have two cows.
* You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy influence with a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, accept a LAW tax promised credit payable in 4 year's time, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* That one on the left is kinda cute...
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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

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sattva
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by sattva »

Not a joke, but sadly humorous!

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz ... ant-humans" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

‘O see not ye yon narrow road,
So thick beset wi thorns and briers?
That is the path of righteousness,
Tho after it but few enquires.

‘And see not ye that braid braid road,
That lies across yon lillie leven?
That is the path of wickedness,
Tho some call it the road to heaven.
There is a third choice here but you will have to visit http://www.sacred-texts.com/neu/eng/child/ch037.htm for it.
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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

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Dhammanando
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Dhammanando »

A guided meditation from the Daleks

Rūpehi bhikkhave arūpā santatarā.
Arūpehi nirodho santataro ti.


“Bhikkhus, the formless is more peaceful than the form realms.
Cessation is more peaceful than the formless realms.”
(Santatarasutta, Iti 73)
Coyote
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Coyote »

Dhammanando wrote:A guided meditation from the Daleks

Hilarious.
"If beings knew, as I know, the results of giving & sharing, they would not eat without having given, nor would the stain of miserliness overcome their minds. Even if it were their last bite, their last mouthful, they would not eat without having shared."
Iti 26
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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

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Decoy
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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

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