Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.

Re: Joke!!!

Postby Esaka » Sun Jan 09, 2011 3:57 pm

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Re: Joke!!!

Postby PeterB » Sun Jan 09, 2011 4:57 pm

During his last visit to the UK the Pope was being driven from the airport in a long sedan. As they travelled to London the Pope told his driver that he had never driven a long sedan.." Do you think I could take the wheel for a few miles ? he asked.
They changed places and The Pope sat in the drivers seat while his driver sat in the back.
After a few miles the Pope decided to see how fast the sedan would go..so he put his foot down.
Soon the sedan was followed by a traffic cop who signalled it to pull over.
The cop looked into the car and pulled out his walkie talkie.." need advice "he said."I have just stopped someone very important for speeding and I need to know how to proceed ".
"Who is it ? " Said the police Commander "is it the Prime Minister ? "
"No, more important than that "
"Is it the Queen ? "
" No, more important than that...to be honest I am not sure who it is, but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur ! "..
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Mon Jan 10, 2011 6:42 am

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.

After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away.

Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!"

So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia.
It eats shoots and leaves.”
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Kim OHara » Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:48 am

Tut, tut, Cooran, how can you be so un-Australian as to present us with a bowdlerised stolen version of such a classic Aussie joke? :tongue:

He's a wombat.
His girlfriend has invited him round for dinner.
Straight after dinner, he races her off to the bedroom for a quickie.
He then gets up to go and his girlfriend asks, understandably, 'Hey, what kind of relationship do you think this is?'
He says, 'You ought to know that a wombat eats roots and leaves.'
And leaves.
:o

Kim
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:55 am

:clap:

I like yours better!

with metta
Chris
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---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Kim OHara » Mon Jan 10, 2011 12:00 pm

Thanks
:bow:
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby PeterB » Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:26 pm

A cabbie picks up a nun. From the moment she gets in to the cab she is aware that the cabbie is staring at her. Finally she says " can I help you child ? "" Im sorry sister " says the cabbie, but there is something I need to confess "
" Go on my child " says the nun."There is nothing you can say that will shock me."
"Well sister " says the cabbie . " I was raised a Catholic and I have always wanted to kiss a nun".
"Pull in to the next alley " says the nun.
The cabbie pulls in and gets his wish.
As they pull away he says " I have another confession sister , I am Jewish and married "
" I too have a confession my child ", comes the reply. My name is Kevin and I am on my way to a fancy dress party. "
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Tue Jan 11, 2011 3:48 am

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mum had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mum,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________
Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mum

LESSON OF THE DAY – NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Wed Jan 12, 2011 9:47 pm

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.

===============================
His paediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation.

Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Fri Jan 14, 2011 7:35 pm

Subject: Computer Hard and Software:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Kim OHara » Sun Jan 16, 2011 1:49 am

This is not a joke but it made me laugh ...

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/01/16/3113825.htm wrote:People power empties threatened library
The residents of a small town in Britain have borrowed every single book from their local library in an attempt to stop it from being closed.
Until this week, the town of Stony Stratford, a constituent town of Milton Keynes in north Buckinghamshire, was notable only because its two pubs, The Cock and The Bull, were the likely origin of the phrase "a cock and bull story".
But when the Milton Keynes Council decided to close Stony Stratford's library as part of budget cuts, 6,000 of the town's residents decided they had another story to tell.

A week ago the library held 16,000 books but today the stunned librarians preside over bare shelves.
The people of Stony Stratford have taken home their maximum allowance of 15 books, including dusty mechanics manuals and flimsy paperback novels.
At one stage during the week, nearly 380 books were being stamped out on loan every hour.
The campaign, called 'Wot No Books', was organised on Facebook by Friends of Stony Stratford Library.
The group says the protest aims to show the void that would be left in the community if the library closed.
The Stony Stratford Council has backed the campaign against the Milton Keynes Council, because like many of the town's groups, it holds its meetings in the library.

The Milton Keynes Council says it will continue to consult with the community about the planned closure.

:namaste:
Kim
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:14 am

Hmmm ... Library ....

One day a chicken goes to a library and asked: “ book, book, book”.
The librarian gave the chicken 3 books and the chicken went on its way...
The next day the same chicken came into the library and said “book, book, book”
So the librarian gave the chicken 3 books again... but this time she became suspicious of where the chicken was taking the books... so the librarian decided follow the chicken.
After a while the chicken came to a swamp and stopped besides a frog ... the chicken gave the three books to the frog, and the frog replied: Read it! Read it! Read it!
=========================

What time does the library open? The voice on the phone asked. “Nine A.M.” came the reply. And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question? Asked the librarian “Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. “No, not till nine A.M..!” the librarian said, “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?” “Who said I wanted to get in? The man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

===========================
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:20 am

CATHOLIC HORSES

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the > horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.By now, Mitch was pulling in some serious money.
By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on..

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!".

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Mon Jan 24, 2011 7:33 am

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door..

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:32 am

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mum? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Kim OHara » Thu Jan 27, 2011 9:15 am

This one is mainly for you, Cooran :smile:
:namaste:
Kim

DURING the floods in Brisbane a girl was perched on a roof hanging on to a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past. Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times. "Do you see that hat?" said the girl. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back." "Oh, that's my dad," replied the boy. "My mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Fri Jan 28, 2011 7:30 am

:clap: Heheheh thanks Kim.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sat Jan 29, 2011 9:17 pm

A few groaners:

Did you hear about the skeleton that walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop?
-------------
Q. Where did the Egyptian Mummy go to get her back fixed?
A. The Cairo..practor!
---------------
A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a friend asked, "how much did you pay for that?"
"I paid through the nose!” he replied
----------------
I am the most athletic skeleton around, no bones about it!
---------------
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Wizard in the Forest » Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:10 am

Oh, I got one but I don't know if it has been said before.

Q: Why did the Buddhist Coroner get fired?

A: Because he kept putting "birth" under cause of death.
"One is not born a woman, but becomes one."- Simone de Beauvoir
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sun Jan 30, 2011 6:47 am

- EVER WONDER
-
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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