Joke!!!

[Kim OHara]

I thought I might be busy this evening dealing with a cyclone (=hurricane in US-speak) but it changed course so I'm, a bit idle and a bit relieved ...

EVER WONDER #2

Q Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
A It doesn’t. Go to Indonesia, Madagascar, Angola, Mexico - just about anywhere there’s lots of sun - and you will see we all have black hair … oh, you’re white. You guys are seriously weird.

Q Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
A I’m a bloke. I wouldn’t dare speculate.

Q Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
A Because good psychics have the foresight to know that people would pester them forever after and bad psychics don’t win.

Q Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
A To make up for the shortness of “long.”

Q Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
A Everyone knows that practice makes perfect and doctors want perfect health for their patients.

Q Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
A Duh! It’s Windows, dummy.*

Q Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A Lemon juice is made of sunlight and pure rainwater and good rich earth. What “lemon juice” is made of is something quite different and best not examined too closely.

Q Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A Because he ends up broker than his clients? DO NOT LAUGH!!!

Q Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A It’s the time everyone rushes for their cars, of course.

Q Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
A There is. I know.

Q When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A See previous answer.

Q Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A He was wise enough to know that God, who is perfect in every way, could not possibly have made mosquitos without good reason and humble enough to accept that, although he had little understanding of the glorious complexity of the Web of Life, he should not interfere in what he did not understand.

Q Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A Even sinners should be given every chance to reach Heaven, and Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Q You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
A It would be bad for business. The very look of it would remind people that planes crash.

Q Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
A They do. That’s why shearers can only shear dry sheep.

Q Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A Because the walls between them keep the people in them apart.

Q If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A Yep.

Q If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A It’s an architectural term, nothing to do with mortality. Airport terminals are the only buildings in the world purpose-built to emulate the impersonal, soul-destroying greyness of computer terminals.

*Windows 98? How old are these jokes anyway??

[cooran]

heheheh


1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.

6. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

10. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

11. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

16. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

17. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

18. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

19. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

20. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.  

21. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[tiltbillings]

[JimKai]

Maybe this style, Kare?

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Not quite. The Norwegian ones in this category all are questions, and they all start with "Why cannot I ... when ...". They are all very language specific, so they just don't translate well. Some of them are real absurd. The one about Knox was rather lame, but it was the only one I could invent in English. Oh yes - another one just popped up: "Why can't I quit, when biscuits?"

There is one absurd joke in finnish.

Translated to english, it would be something like: "Want went to a store. A shovel."

It is known as the worst joke in the whole language, but it used to crack us up as kids!

[meindzai]

Geeky physics joke I am giggling about today. I sent it to my 13 year old (and very bright) nephew who is home sick, and told him his homework is to explain it.

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here!" A tachyon walks into a bar.

-M

[Kare]

Geeky physics joke I am giggling about today. I sent it to my 13 year old (and very bright) nephew who is home sick, and told him his homework is to explain it.

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here!" A tachyon walks into a bar.

-M

Looks like a lot of tachyons are writing e-mails these days ....

[cooran]

Hehheh -

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

-----------------------
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. “Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.”

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”

----------------------
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.

I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.

At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

[Kare]

Hehheh -

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

I feel that way myself at times ...

[Wizard in the Forest]

That one made me laugh, until I realized my field of study is linguistics, and then I did the cinematic "NOOOOOOO!"

[cooran]

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”
“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”
The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”
“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”
-------------------------------------
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”
------------------------------------
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

[cooran]

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road.

The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

[cooran]

“But doctor,” lamented the young husband in counselling, “whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.”
“You mean, hysterical,” said the doctor.
“No, historical. She is always digging up my past.”
-------------------------------
After many sessions the psychiatrist says to his patient: Congratulations, Sir, you are cured.
The patient says: Some cure. Before I was Alexander the Great. Now I’m nobody.
-------------------------
Patient: Doctor I have a sore throat, I ache, and have a fever.
Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus.
Patient: Everyone in the office has it.
Doctor: Well then, maybe it’s a staff infection.
-------------------------
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him and asked; “could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?”
The surprised patient said; “why doctor, it wasn’t all that bad this time!”
The dentist said; “there are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock train.”
--------------------------------

[cooran]

A mum was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

The neighbor said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?

Do you know her?' Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.' The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?' 'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? 'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.

And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

[andre9999]

That was terrible.

It reminds me of the joke:

Q: "How many angels can you fit into a honda?"

A: "All of them. They all sing in one Accord."

[cooran]

How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.

3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Accident and Emergency clinic, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

----------------------------------------------------------------

[Kim OHara]

This one turned up in my inbox yesterday and it's an obvious soulmate to the joke above ...

How to wash a toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.




2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid... 



4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.



5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.



6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 




8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 


9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Yours Sincerely,  

The Dog 

[Kaktus]

These quotes are from one of my favorite blogs:

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
====
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
====
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
====
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
====
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
====
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
====
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
====
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
====
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
====
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
====
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
====
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
====
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
====
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
====
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
====
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
====
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
====
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
====
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
====
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

[cooran]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[cooran]

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied,
"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

[cooran]

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community