Joke!!!

[cooran]

A duck was about to cross the road, when a chicken ran up to him and said –

“Don’t do it, man. You will never hear the end of it!!”

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A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.

"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.

[David N. Snyder]

An Italian Mother

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a
female
roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?'

Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'


So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which
read:
____

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her
“OWN Bed”, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama

Moral: Never lie to your Mama . . .

[cooran]

Baby Jokes:

Three men were having a drink in a bar and discussing coincidences.

The first man said, " my wife was reading a "Tale of Two Cities" and she gave birth to twins"

"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"

The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed,
" When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the Forty Thieves"!!!

=================================
An Aussie cricket and baby joke:

A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.

He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl ... but theres another one on the way"
He rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl ... but there's another coming"
He rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy .... but there's another coming"

He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.

An hour later he was really nervous.
He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line.

He asked " how many did we get mate?"
The person replied "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"

==========================================

[cooran]

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.

Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."

"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"

"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."

"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.

"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."

[cooran]

A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.

‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’

Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….'

[cooran]

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house.

Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell.

He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

[Drolma]

Hi Mike

I've started keeping a practice diary of sorts: http://benoloughlin.wordpress.com/
kind regards

Ben

[cooran]

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
Now you know why they call it a workstation!

----------------------------------------------------
Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office.
Four of the five have been apprehended.
Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot.

They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.

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One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons.
One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, the CEO explained, “I’ll tell you its very simple – it’s the only time of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me.”

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A Japanese soap manufacturing company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a box of soap that was empty.
Management tasked its engineersto solve the problem permanently to avoid any reoccurrence.

The engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed
through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast.

But a rank-and-file employee that was posed the same problem came out with another solution.
He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line.
He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

----------------------------------------------------

[cooran]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a pub.

The bouncer says, ..."Sorry. I can’ t let you in without a Thai."

[cooran]

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[cooran]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[cooran]

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood.

The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys.
So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys.

The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first.

The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest.
The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?"
The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing.
Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing.
The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?"

The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door.

The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!"
His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!"
The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

[mikenz66]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then”, he said with a deep sigh …


"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[cooran]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[cooran]

The Price Of Gas In France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.”

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I posted it for you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

[pilgrim]

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.
The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off.
"The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.
"The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem.
"A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.
The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.
""Ya, that will be done," says the German.
The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.
Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before.
"The German replies, " ya.
"The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.
"Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!."

[cooran]

Wiremu , a New Zulander was in Australia to watch the Bledisloe Cup and was not feeling well so he went to a Doctor .

" Hey Doc I dun't feel so good ey " said Wiremu
After a thorough examination the Doctor advised him that he had existing and advanced prostrate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal
" No way Doc " Wiremu replied " I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey "

The second Aussie Doctor gave him the same diagnosis and said that the only cure was testicular removal .
Not surprisingly Wiremu refused the treatment.

He was devastated but was in a lot of pain and with the Bledisloe Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi Doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi Doc examined him and said " Wiremu Cuzzy bro you huv prostrate suckness ey "
" What's the cure then Doc ? " asked Wiremu , hoping for a different answer
" Wull Wiremu " said the Kiwi Doctor " Wi're gonna huv ta cut off your balls. "
" Phew , thunk God fer thut ! " said Wiremu , " Those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me "

[PeterB]

Two onions meet in a greengrocers and fall in love.
They make their escape...elope and get married.
After a while there comes the patter of tiny tendrils and they become parents to little Joey Onion.
One day Joey is playing with his ball in the garden when it goes over the fence..little Joey runs after it and is hit by a car
His parents are at the hospital waiting for news..a doctor approaches them.
" Mr and Mrs Onion, I have some good news and some bad news " says the doctor.
"Little Joey will live....but he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

[PeterB]

Q) Why do squirrels float on their backs ?
A ) So they wont get their nuts wet.

[Jhana4]

Q) Why do squirrels float on their backs ?
A ) So they wont get their nuts wet.

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