Joke!!!

[Jhana4]

Why don't Buddhist vacuum their corners?

They have no attachments.

[Kim O'Hara]

In case you haven't got xkcd bookmarked (yet), here's one with considerable Buddhist resonance:
http://xkcd.com/876/


Kim

[octathlon]

"Ugh, look at how these young people dress nowadays. Check out that teenager--the clothes, the hair, you can't tell if it's a guy or a girl!"

"It's a girl."

"And how do you know?"

"Because she's my daughter."

"Oh, sorry! I didn't realize you were her father!"

"I'm her mother."

[cooran]

For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

[cooran]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Bhante?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!! "

[Quinn]

hi,
very funny joke!

[cooran]

It’s 2020 and the Canadian government decides to host a Buddhist conference in Nunavut as part of their initiative to demonstrate national presence in the north. They send a lama, a bhikku and a roshi to attend the conference.

Somewhere along the way, their plane goes down and the three Buddhist teachers find themselves on a deserted island in Hudson’s Bay, somewhere on the muskeg. The three are miraculously alive, and hold a quick discussion about what to do. They decide to explore for an hour and then reconvene to share their discoveries.

Upon their return, the lama immediately says: “I’m pretty used to the cold because of my powers in Inner Heat Yoga, but you two might find it a bit difficult. Fortunately, while wandering around, I found a polar bear’s cave. I made love with the polar bear, who is a manifestation of Palden Lhamo, and she gave us her blessing to share the cave. When our son is born, he will become a great teacher in forty years. In the meanwhile, we can be warm there.”

The bhikku, who has been struggling to keep himself quiet, can’t hold back any longer: “Your story is preposterous, sir. It is an affront to the precepts! Furthermore, since according to the laws of dependent origination, this place is no different from any other, I have complete equanimity about our presence here. I have no need to be rescued and I certainly have no desire to share a cave with you and a polar bear. Our karma will evolve as it should. I performed my alms round and have returned with berries for us to eat.”

The roshi, who has been listening to this exchange patiently, adds his perspective: “I’ve e-mailed my brother with our GPS coordinates and help will be here in a few hours. In the meanwhile, would you two like to watch Karate Kid with me on my iPhone?”

[cooran]

Farmer Brown had a chicken farm and he wanted to figure out which one of his three roosters was performing well and which wasn't . He went into town and bought 3 bells , each with a totally different ring tone and he tied a bell around each of his rooster's necks.

After a week of taking notes he noticed that Brewster the Rooster didn't seem to be doing anything at all , but by the sound of it the other two were doing real well . So he decided to investigate further.

To his amazement he discovers that the pullets had learned that the sound of the bell meant the arrival of a rooster and scurried away from the other two , who thus spent more time chasing and running around in circles than doing the job of servicing the pullets . However smart Brewster was carrying the bell in his beak and deadening the sound . This allowed him to sneak up on the unsuspecting pullets and do his business many times a day .

This story through Chinese whispers finally reached the newspapers and Brewster's genius was recognised and eventually he was awarded The No Bell Prize and soon after The Pullets Surprise .
=============================================
A man is driving his new sports car out in the country in the middle of nowhere when he spots a farmer standing in a huge field of beautiful green grass . He pulls over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there doing absolutely nothing , absolutely nothing at all , just staring .

So he walks all the way across the field to the farmer and says " Ah, excuse me Mister , what are you doing ? "

The farmer replies " I'm trying to win a Nobel prize "

" How ? " asked the man , puzzled

" Well , I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field "

[cooran]

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, 'Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I have a bang on my head, I'm stationed in Greenland, a dog ran off with my coat, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?'
======================================
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!
======================================

[cooran]

In the Great Barrier Reef were two prawns named Justin and Christian who were best mates . They used to swim around and do everything together , but were always being hassled by sharks .

One day Justin said to his mate " I'm sick of being constantly hassled and chased by sharks trying to eat me for dinner , God I wish I was a bloody shark "

Suddenly a large mysterious cod appeared and said " your wish has been granted " and ' poof ' Justin turned into a large ferocious shark .

Horrified of being eaten by his mate Christian darted away and hid

Time passed , as it usually does and Justin was finding life as a shark lonely and boring . All his old mates simply swam away when he got anywhere near them .

While swimming one day , he wished he could find the cod and ask him to turn him back into a prawn. He looked for weeks and one day he spotted the cod and swam up to him and begged him to turn him back into a prawn again and lo and behold ' poof ' and he was a prawn again

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to find his friends . He took them all to the local Reef Bar and bought them all a cocktail . He looked around the bar after a few drinks and noticed that his old mate Christian was not there . " Where's Christian ? " he asked

" He's at home , still upset that his best mate had changed sides and turned into a shark

Eager to put things right and end the mutual pain and torture he set off for Christian's abode

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back . He banged on the door and cried out " It's me Justin , your old friend , come out and see me again "

Christian replied " No way man , you'll eat me , you're a shark , you're the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner . "

Justin cried back

" No I'm not . That was the old me , I've changed ... I've found Cod , I'm a prawn again Christian "

[Fede]

Jeesh, that was a lot of hard work for a cheesy one-liner....!

[Fede]

Jeesh, that was a lot of hard work for a cheesy one-liner....!

[Kim O'Hara]

It's not quite a joke but I think this is the most obvious place to post it ...

Kim

beer_temp.jpg (119.6 KiB) Viewed 735 times

[cooran]

The three bears are casually eating their porridge one morning and out of nowhere a crazed panda runs in and shoots mummy bear.

When mummy bear was at hospital baby bear asks daddy what is a panda? Ignoring baby bear daddy bear replies by saying "look it up in the dictionary".

Baby bear looks up panda in the Oxford Dictionary, the dictionary says "a panda bear eats shoots and leaves.''

[Kim O'Hara]

Assange a winner in the Bald Archies portrait competition:
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/04/19/3195602.htm


Kim

[cooran]

Running into the house after school Tommy said to his mother, “Mom! Isn’t an ox a kind of a bull?” “Yes, she replied.

“And doesn’t equine have something to do with horses?” “That’s right.” She said.

Running out of the house Tommy said “I’ll see you later!”

“Why? Where are you going?” asked his mother.

“To some other town I just heard in school that the equinox is coming, and I don’t wanna be around when it gets here!”
------------------------------
Q. Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick?

A. The pharmacist
.............................

[cooran]

From Christopher Titmuss (via Facebook):

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help. After walking for some time, he came to a monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. “I’ve got a flat tyre. Can I use your phone?” he asked.
The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. “If you stay tonight, you can get a ride in our vehicle to town tomorrow,” they said. So the man stayed the night in a small room in the monastery.

During middle of the night, the loudest, most wonderful, most hair-raising noise ever woke him up. He had to found out where that unbelievable sound came from.
Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl.
Finally, he came to a huge door with heavy bolts. The head monk stood in front of the door.
“What was that amazing sound?” he asked. “What made it? Is it behind that door?”
The head monk shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. “You have to tell me what it is,” he begged.
“I’m sorry, I can’t tell you. You’re not a monk,” said the head monk.

The man tried to sleep, but couldn’t get the phenomenal sound out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl.
“Please tell me what made that sound,” he pleaded.
But the monks wouldn’t tell him. “I’m sorry, you’re not a monk” they all replied.

After he got his car fixed, he went back to his daily life. But he couldn’t get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again.
He got out of his car and found the head monk. “I can’t forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please, please tell me what made that sound.” The head monk just shook his head.
“I can’t tell you; you’re not a monk,” he said.
The Abbot said “You have to become a monk.”
“Yes. I must know. I agree. I will become a monk, “said the man.

After the man’s ordination as a monk, the Abbot said to him.: “Now you are a monk, you must meditate morning, noon and night and memorise all 10,000 discourses of the Buddha.
“Yes” said the newly ordained monk.
After 10 years, the monk came to the abbot. “I have done everything you told me to do. I meditate every day and I have memorised every single discourse of the Buddha.
“Please, please tell me what was that incredible sound. I remember it every day. “

The Abbot and the monk walked around the monastery and its gardens. Again, the monk heard this strange, wonderful and terrifying sound.

Finally, the Abbot and the monk came to the huge door and slowly opened it so the monk could see for himself what made the noise.
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Dear (Facebook) DhammaWheel Friend: I can’t tell you what made that incredible sound behind that huge door. You’re not a monk.

[Dan74]

Heard that one from Ajahn Brahm last year in his talk. But I don't think he claimed it as his own. So not sure of the origins. Still it's not bad...

[cooran]

Kids dont listen to their parents...

Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella wont leave the event till after midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 320 KM/h, Schrek thinks its cool to fart, Sleeping beauty wont get out of bed, and Snow white lives with 7 guys.

We shouldn’t be surprised when kids… misbehave! They get it from their story books.

[cooran]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an
Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a
Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night
club.


The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"


Groan .......