Dhamma Wheel Buddhist Forum

I realize that a lot of my suffering comes from my judgemental personality. Because of this, I constanly critique others (almost always negatively) and judge myself the same. This has led to a lot of suffering because I sometimes feel I have no love, kindness, compassion for anybody as well as myself. In order to work against this, I have tried to learn to be accepting. To accept what I see as "negative" qualities in others and "negative" qualities In myself. But by taking this approach, is this the right way?? Ultimately I need to work towards overcoming such qualities like arrogance, jealously, self-centredness etc., but as a first step, is it okay to accept these qualities? Accept and "love" these qualities? Because by me telling myself that such "negative" states are "bad", I realize I have spent my entire life telling myself that I am "bad" and others are "bad" and this has caused so much anxiety, insecurity, negative feelings and suffering.

I have thought, well, I will learn to accept myself, good and bad, and after I do so, I will work towards removing the negative qualities. But when I look at it this way, Im still essentially telling myself these qualities are "bad" because how can you accept something you want to get rid of? Sorry to make this go on for so long, but i just realized what my question really is. How do you learn to accept a "negative" quality while still keeping yourself open towards overcoming it? And Sorry for saying myself like a thousand times, cant think of a different word.

Hi S2K
These negative qualities are ephemeral, and transient.
Practice sila, and develop samadhi and panna.
Various forms of vipassana meditation will be good training to see the rise and fall of the phenomenology of thse negative qualities in stark relief. Samatha meditation will help you to develop the sensitivity of mind to observe the more subtle aspects of these mental qualities.
I have also found it beneficial to practice metta bhavana as a means of cultivating good will towards oneself and others.
Wishing you all the best,

Ben

The Buddha never taught acceptance with regard to unwholesome mind states. He taught right effort which is cultivating wholesome mind states to combat the negative. Develop generosity to overcome greed. Develop loving friendliness to overcome hatred. Develop wisdom to overcome delusion.

Greetings,

bodom wrote:The Buddha never taught acceptance with regard to unwholesome mind states. He taught right effort which is cultivating wholesome mind states to combat the negative. Develop generosity to overcome greed. Develop loving friendliness to overcome hatred. Develop wisdom to overcome delusion.

Samyutta Nikaya II, 70 wrote:The noble ones praise the slaying of anger
-- with its honeyed crest & poison root --
for having killed it you do not grieve.

Metta,
Retro.

This is how I try to get rid of my negative thoughts.

I remind myself that there is no permanent thing call I. Everything around us are aggregates so they all subject to impermanence. It is natural for the five aggregates to have negative thoughts due to ignorance.
So next time when you have negative though just be aware that it is a negative thoughts. Say “it is not me, it is not mine, it is not myself but they are just negative thoughts”
Then notice how your thoughts are moving from one object to another object. Then realise there is no a person but just the moving consciousness.

This knowledge will help you to develop Brhmaviharas

Metta

Strive4Karuna wrote:Ultimately I need to work towards overcoming such qualities like arrogance, jealously, self-centredness etc., but as a first step, is it okay to accept these qualities?

In as much as it is expected that you should show lovingkindness and compassion towards others, it is a good thing to extend lovingkindness and compassion towards yourself, which means a certain degree of self acceptance. And as you work to deal with the negative stuff, don't be harsh with yourself for your failings. It can be a slow, uncomfortable work, but be kind to yourself.

You may find this book of help: A Path with Heart: A Guide Through the Perils and Promises of Spiritual Life by Jack Kornfield

Strive4Karuna wrote:How do you learn to accept a "negative" quality while still keeping yourself open towards overcoming it?

The Buddha did not say that "negative" qualities should be either accepted or rejected, merely studied and contemplated.

Your suffering is largely perpetuated by the persistent illusion is the idea that these qualities are "my negative qualities". You experience these negative feelings, but they are not yours.

Greetings Waterchan,

waterchan wrote:The Buddha did not say that "negative" qualities should be either accepted or rejected, merely studied and contemplated.

How do you account for this, then...?

SN 45.8 wrote:"And what, monks, is right effort?

"There is the case where a monk generates desire, endeavors, activates persistence, upholds & exerts his intent for the sake of the non-arising of evil, unskillful qualities that have not yet arisen.

[ii] "He generates desire, endeavors, activates persistence, upholds & exerts his intent for the sake of the abandonment of evil, unskillful qualities that have arisen.

[iii] "He generates desire, endeavors, activates persistence, upholds & exerts his intent for the sake of the arising of skillful qualities that have not yet arisen.

[iv] "He generates desire, endeavors, activates persistence, upholds & exerts his intent for the maintenance, non-confusion, increase, plenitude, development, & culmination of skillful qualities that have arisen."

Metta,
Retro.

Hello retro,

I'm not sure where the conflict lies?

waterchan wrote:Hello retro,

I'm not sure where the conflict lies?

you don't just study and contemplate them - after you have determined that they are "negative" qualities of mind you fabricate skillful qualities in their stead, some of which are categorical like virtue.

I meant that I don't see where the conflict lies between the tanha in the OP's powerful desire to be rid of his negative emotions and the chanda generated through samma vayama.

One is motivated by disgust while the other is discerned.

Greetings,

makarasilapin wrote:you don't just study and contemplate them - after you have determined that they are "negative" qualities of mind you fabricate skillful qualities in their stead

Right. It's not "merely stud[y] and contemplat[ion]"

Metta,
Retro.

You're both correct. "Merely" was a bad word to use there.

bodom wrote:The Buddha never taught acceptance with regard to unwholesome mind states. He taught right effort which is cultivating wholesome mind states to combat the negative. Develop generosity to overcome greed. Develop loving friendliness to overcome hatred. Develop wisdom to overcome delusion.

But the Buddha also taught metta & karuna. Isnt acceptance a way of extending love? As long as I look at my self and others in disdain because of our shortcomings and unwholesome states, It will be difficult to show love and compassion towards everybody, myself included.

Strive4Karuna wrote:It will be difficult to show love and compassion towards everybody, myself included.

One protects oneself, in this sense, via satipatthana & not the brahmaviharas.