Anger, enraged

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Anger, enraged

Postby ShanYin » Wed May 28, 2014 2:51 am

I have a habit of smashing things when I am angry. This morning, I was so angry, I went into a rage and smashed things. I have had this habit now for years and years. Usually it is my parents that upset me, and this time it is no different. They altered my life course as an adult, and made me live like a prisoner except with less rights in a psychiatric facility.

I was so angry, so enraged it would have been impossible not to have smashed things. It seems my brain is hardwired for it. So I think this is a point where it is a serious problem. I don't get angry everyday. I have meen 'meditating' with a technique called 'quiet observation' for a couple weeks.

I almost completed a book called "Anger Solutions" about a week ago. Maybe I should read it again and participate in the activities it says are helpful.

I am not a bad person in my humble opinion. I often would try to get help with personal problems on another buddhist website, but I feel it's sort of pathetic to keep doing it over and over. I rely on my parents for food, (which I can afford on my own, despite being in poverty), for rides (which I could manage) for laundry (also I could manage.)
I am stuck in my mind whether or not to kick them out of my life.

But to stay on topic, I am a little suprised I guess you could say. I am suprised at my anger this afternoon, because I have been meditating for a couple weeks now, and I read that book. I guess the anti-dote to anger is loving kindness.

Maybe this is an expression of hope that someone may have wise words for me. I realize, with my own words I may leave that pretty open, but there is an issue there.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby pilgrim » Wed May 28, 2014 3:04 am

I'm sorry you have this problem, but I don't think that it is impossible to stop yourself. Just don't do it. Start by walking away and giving yourself time to bring up some self control.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby ShanYin » Wed May 28, 2014 3:11 am

Thank you.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby manas » Wed May 28, 2014 4:54 am

Hi ShanYin

be patient with yourself. I don't think just saying "I won't get angry" or repeating "may I be well and happy" is going to cut it here. The work will have to go a bit deeper than just verbally repeating things, however wholesome. Sounds like you have been through quite alot. Actually I can relate to what you say. I had the same problem when I was a young man. I even punched a few holes in the walls of the dwelling I lived in, a bungalow out the back of my parents' house. Like yourself, I had reason to be unhappy with how my parents had treated me while growing up. It was really difficult at that time, because I was just on the brink of moving away from them, and the emotions, all the pain and the realization of the hurt and injustice that had been done to me, was only just dawning on me properly for the first time. As children we can be blind to what is really going on, but as young adults, we see alot more, and it can really hit us quite hard at first.

In my experience, finding a qualified counsellor you can both trust and get along with, is really helpful in healing from a difficult childhood. If you don't already have one, I suggest looking for one. And don't let anyone rush you into forgiving your parents sooner that you are able to. For the forgiveness to be real, it has to come from a place of wellbeing within yourself, and that is going to take a bit of work.

Lastly, one strategy I used to use, was to at least smash something that was not of much value, and easily replaced. If your laptop happens to be there when you see red, try to quickly pick something else (and I don't recommend the walls of your dwelling, either...ouch). The habit of smashing things can get expensive if you're not careful. ;)

with metta,
manas
:anjali:
Last edited by manas on Wed May 28, 2014 5:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby pegembara » Wed May 28, 2014 5:14 am

I have a habit of smashing things when I am angry. This morning, I was so angry, I went into a rage and smashed things. I have had this habit now for years and years. Usually it is my parents that upset me, and this time it is no different. They altered my life course as an adult, and made me live like a prisoner except with less rights in a psychiatric facility.

I was so angry, so enraged it would have been impossible not to have smashed things. It seems my brain is hardwired for it. So I think this is a point where it is a serious problem. I don't get angry everyday. I have meen 'meditating' with a technique called 'quiet observation' for a couple weeks.



Don't feed the anger.

As you meditate, pleasant and unpleasant emotions will arise. How should you observe anger, happiness, anxiety and other emotions? By looking at them as if they were actors. But don't become an actor. Don't get involved with them. Don't get onstage. Just watch the play. Sometimes the actors show excitement or happiness. Sometimes they show anger, frustration, fear or sadness.

Say to yourself, "They're not me," and only watch them to see how long they last. If you don't get involved with them, if you don't cling to them, if you don't think that they belong to you, you won't suffer at all. Only know them, see them, watch them, like watching actors on T.V. When they finish their duty to show this or that thing they leave. Then another actor comes, another feeling or another object. But they aren't real. In the ultimate sense, what they show isn't true - it's just an appearance. And these actors - these feelings and emotions - change all the time.

When an unpleasant emotion such as anger arises, don't get upset or try to suppress it. Nor should you try to look for a "better" object. The emotion is the truth of what is happening in the present, so just know it.

If an emotion is strong you should label it with a mental note. For example, if you realize you're feeling angry, label the feeling "anger, anger" for one or two moments. If you're depressed, note "depression"; if anxious, note, "anxiety." Do the same with pleasant emotions: if you feel joyful, note "joy"; if peaceful, note "peace." You get the picture.

The insight meditation method entails a middle path between 1) suppressing an emotion and 2) indulging it by: "letting it out," trying to feel it more deeply, or thinking about it further. Whether an emotion is pleasant or unpleasant, the vipassana technique is simply to know it with impartial awareness, neither liking it nor wanting to make it go away.

Don't judge the emotion or your self. For instance, if you're suddenly livid, don't criticize yourself for getting angry. Instead, disengage the mind from any involvement in the anger and just watch it, as if you were watching it happen to someone on television, or as if you were a scientist examining a specimen under a microscope. Instead of "becoming" the emotion you mentally pull back from it, then turn your awareness around and observe it. The emotion then becomes another object of your attention. Now instead of being caught up in it you're looking at it from the outside.

Having noted the emotion for one or two moments, let go of it and bring your attention back to the primary meditation object. Over time this method weakens anger, depression, etc., since you are not "feeding" them with your thoughts and reactions. If you simply recognize the presence of these emotions when they appear but don't get hooked by them— that is, don't get upset or intrigued by them— they'll eventually fade out .

When in the grip of a negative emotion we tend to believe it will never end. But in training the mind to know emotion as it is, we come to see its impermanence. Then we realize that even strong grief, anger or fear can last only a moment before passing away. True, it might come back; but even so it passes away again instantly. When you leave an emotion alone and become an impartial observer, it has no power to control you or cause more suffering. The key is to be mindful as soon as it appears so you don't get hooked.


An emotion of any kind is not your self or the property of self. The sadness, anger, peace, etc., is only an impersonal phenomenon, a kind of mental weather that arises in the mind according to certain causes and then passes away.

Most painful emotions spring from memory— hence the value of staying in the present moment. When recalling a painful memory— whether of a broken heart, the loss of home, health, career, or the death of a loved one— remember that the painful event that triggered the feeling is no longer actually occurring in the present. Although the event is over, we tend to cling to it in the mind. But that only generates more suffering.
And what is right speech? Abstaining from lying, from divisive speech, from abusive speech, & from idle chatter: This is called right speech.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby Mkoll » Wed May 28, 2014 6:30 am

Be mindful of the blood rushing to your head and your arms and the angry energy building up there. Watch the process, beginning with whatever sense-object served as the catalyst.

~~~

pegembara,

What is the source of that quote?
Peace,
James
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby someguysomeguy » Thu May 29, 2014 6:38 am

ok i come from a culture (india) where living apart from parents or kicking out parents from home is unthinkable. I don't know much about Western culture.

But i can relate to your problems/trouble. What helps me is this:- Concentrating on Annica/Anatta for any good/bad feelings you get and saying that these do not belong to me......to develop a kind of non-attachment to it. It definitely helps me.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby Ananda26 » Thu May 29, 2014 3:16 pm

ShanYin wrote:I have a habit of smashing things when I am angry. This morning, I was so angry, I went into a rage and smashed things. I have had this habit now for years and years. Usually it is my parents that upset me, and this time it is no different. They altered my life course as an adult, and made me live like a prisoner except with less rights in a psychiatric facility.

I was so angry, so enraged it would have been impossible not to have smashed things. It seems my brain is hardwired for it. So I think this is a point where it is a serious problem. I don't get angry everyday. I have meen 'meditating' with a technique called 'quiet observation' for a couple weeks.

I almost completed a book called "Anger Solutions" about a week ago. Maybe I should read it again and participate in the activities it says are helpful.

I am not a bad person in my humble opinion. I often would try to get help with personal problems on another buddhist website, but I feel it's sort of pathetic to keep doing it over and over. I rely on my parents for food, (which I can afford on my own, despite being in poverty), for rides (which I could manage) for laundry (also I could manage.)
I am stuck in my mind whether or not to kick them out of my life.

But to stay on topic, I am a little suprised I guess you could say. I am suprised at my anger this afternoon, because I have been meditating for a couple weeks now, and I read that book. I guess the anti-dote to anger is loving kindness.

Maybe this is an expression of hope that someone may have wise words for me. I realize, with my own words I may leave that pretty open, but there is an issue there.


One of the advantages of mindfulness and clear awareness is that one can be truly in control of one's action. One can be mindful of states as they arise and cease and decide not to be angry and not to do behavior's associated with anger.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby suwapan » Thu May 29, 2014 7:47 pm

ShanYin wrote:I have a habit of smashing things when I am angry. This morning, I was so angry, I went into a rage and smashed things. I have had this habit now for years and years. Usually it is my parents that upset me, and this time it is no different. They altered my life course as an adult, and made me live like a prisoner except with less rights in a psychiatric facility.



Shan Yin, give us example/s of events that caused/triggered your rage. Then may be we can pick it up from there and analyse it with a Buddhist point-of-view.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby ShanYin » Fri May 30, 2014 12:27 am

The anger that I was talking about at first seemed to be triggered by thoughts. It was shortly after waking up. It seemed to be triggered by thoughts. I am reading a book about Buddhism which has a chapter called "The Suffering Of Self" which explains Buddhism very good IMO. I touches on that one type of suffering (out of the 3) can include being stuck with people you don't want to be with. I think that is sort of the suffering I felt that led to the rage. It was what I explained I was thinking of that seemed to make me enraged.

The next day, after that and posting this thread, I went into another rage. I hit something and then I thought of what pilgrim said and prevented myself from hitting something else. Then the anger arose again and I kicked my stove. Like I said, during the anger it seems I can't stop it. I can't remember what it was that set me off yesterday. I think it was: somedays I wake up feeling dead. I'm a drug user, a smoker and I'm coming off anti-psychotics cold turkey right now. (I'm trying to give up the weed and alchohol). I seem to have been in a state of fear for the past months and months. I think what set me off yesterday was frustration of feeling sick.

Other times I remember I get angry is with my dad. He's an extremely frustrating/difficult person to deal and talk to sometimes. Even when he seems happy and is doing something for it makes me wonder if he doesn't understand me on purpose and is also trying to be difficult on purpose. He's gotten violent against me several times, he's the one I got the anger book from.

They do alot of things for me, and I can be at ease around them, more so with my mother than with my father. I think I should find a councellor. I ended contact with my councellor. He was an "Early Intervention Psychosis" councellor.

Is anger one of the 5 hinderances?

Thank you all for your help.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby someguysomeguy » Fri May 30, 2014 5:21 am

If there were your brothers I would have advised you to move away from them because you dont really have to maintain relationship with brothers/sisters etc. It is not a bad karma to live separate from your brother/sisters if you dont get along. But they are your parents. They have given you birth. You do have a duty towards them and you should not move away from them no matter how hard it will be for you. Study more and more of Buddhism/do more Vipassana meditation and learn how to tolerate bad circumstances.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby Mkoll » Fri May 30, 2014 6:59 am

ShanYin wrote:Is anger one of the 5 hinderances?

Yes, it is a more coarse form of ill will which is the second hindrance. An even more coarse form (of ill will) than anger is abusive speech. An even more coarse form (of ill will) than abusive speech is violence.
Peace,
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby ShanYin » Thu Jun 12, 2014 7:08 pm

someguysomeguy wrote:ok i come from a culture (india) where living apart from parents or kicking out parents from home is unthinkable. I don't know much about Western culture.

But i can relate to your problems/trouble. What helps me is this:- Concentrating on Annica/Anatta for any good/bad feelings you get and saying that these do not belong to me......to develop a kind of non-attachment to it. It definitely helps me.


Over the past 2 years I have been seriously considering it. And I am considering it now. He's become violent with me before. Everything he does seems to have bad intentions behind it. He lied to police and almost had me arrested. He put me in a mental hospital when I did not deserve it more than once. He seems to be my enemy. I never liked him. Because of him my life is messed up. He is ugly to me and I don't deserve all the suffering he causes. I don't deserve to live with the possibility that he puts me in a hospital. My whole family treats me badly.

I live on my own now. I can support myself. And I see no reason to have them in my life. They are ugly people to me.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby LXNDR » Thu Jun 12, 2014 7:28 pm

ShanYin wrote:I live on my own now. I can support myself. And I see no reason to have them in my life. They are ugly people to me.


did it help to have your anger fits cease ?
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby manas » Fri Jun 13, 2014 12:07 am

LXNDR wrote:
ShanYin wrote:I live on my own now. I can support myself. And I see no reason to have them in my life. They are ugly people to me.


did it help to have your anger fits cease ?


Whether Shan's anger fits have ceased as yet or not, moving out was the wise and sensible thing to do, and it is what I also did when I was his age and in a similar situation. It helped me to get a better perspective on things, and over time, yes it did help me to let go of much of the anger. But overnight? No. That's not usually how healing works.

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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby ShanYin » Fri Jun 13, 2014 1:22 am

No, it didn't do much to make the anger fits stop. It seems it started when I would get frustrated with video games. I feel more out of touch with reality now than I did before. They kicked me out into a mental hospital and this is how they want me: dependant on them. I have pretty much been depressed my whole life. I could have easily put myself in an independant living situation and been more in touch. They suffucate me and make me want to snap.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby ShanYin » Fri Jun 13, 2014 1:41 am

Having them in my life doesn't seem to be a problem right now. I have been expriencing the emotion of fear non-stop for weeks and weeks. I don't know what to do about it.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby rgb1 » Fri Jun 13, 2014 3:06 am

As it is right now it seems you are better off being away from them. You have been dependent on them for so long they think they own your life and try to control it as much as possible. It is like this with my mother as well. It is fine, it is the result of clinging on both ends. What you can do is work on yourself, remove the actions that cause you suffering in your life (taking drugs, and whatever else). Start of with some morality, the 5 precepts, and from there you go forward. As for the fear, you will have to learn how to observe it objectively without clinging to it and reacting. This goes for the anger as well along with all other feelings and thoughts. This is they only way to be free suffering. Don't worry too much about your parents and their actions right now. Cultivate wholesome qualities in yourself and you will be able to help them when you are better equipped to. Wish you all the best.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby ShanYin » Fri Jun 13, 2014 4:19 am

My problems seem to be fear, drug dependance, anger and attachment with parents, smoking ciggarettes, lethargy and health in general.
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Re: Anger, enraged

Postby ihrjordan » Fri Jun 13, 2014 4:24 am

It would certainly be helpful to make this a daily reflection:

The drawbacks of anger


An angry person is ugly & sleeps poorly.
Gaining a profit, he turns it into a loss,
having done damage with word & deed.
A person overwhelmed with anger
destroys his wealth.
Maddened with anger,
he destroys his status.
Relatives, friends, & colleagues avoid him.
Anger brings loss.
Anger inflames the mind.
He doesn't realize
that his danger is born from within.
An angry person doesn't know his own benefit.
An angry person doesn't see the Dhamma.
A man conquered by anger is in a mass of darkness.
He takes pleasure in bad deeds as if they were good,
but later, when his anger is gone,
he suffers as if burned with fire.
He is spoiled, blotted out,
like fire enveloped in smoke.
— AN 7.60
"Ko imaṃ pathaviṃ vicessati, yamalokañca imaṃ sadevakaṃ.
ko dhammapadaṃ sudesitaṃ, kusalo pupphamiva pacessati"
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