cessation of arisen thoughts of hatred

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cessation of arisen thoughts of hatred

Postby Stephen K » Sat Oct 17, 2009 6:02 pm

I'd like to know how thoughts of hatred can be made to subside.

My mother's domestic partner likes to shout and yell at people, trying to control everything around him through orders and shouting, getting angry when people do not do what he wants. He shouts not only at me, but at everybody. But whenever he does that to me I can feel these thoughts of hatred toward him, like "What a nasty person he is, and senseless". And I don't like these thoughts because hatred is one of the three defilements and is the cause of bad kamma and dukkha.

So, any suggestions how I can deal with that?

Thanks a lot!
With metta,
Upāsaka Sumana
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Re: cessation of arisen thoughts of hatred

Postby David N. Snyder » Sat Oct 17, 2009 6:10 pm

Pay no attention to him, ignore him; some people are just plain incorrigible. In those cases it is best to avoid them, but it sounds like you might be living with your mother and this 'man'?

If so, when do you think you would be able to go to a different place, on your own? I know there are obvious economic and school reasons that you may not be able to do so yet, but maybe you could see that as a goal to look forward to?
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Re: cessation of arisen thoughts of hatred

Postby David N. Snyder » Sat Oct 17, 2009 6:12 pm

The Five ways for getting rid of a grudge:

1. Cultivate loving-kindness toward the person.
2. Cultivate compassion toward the person.
3. Cultivate equanimity toward the person.
4. Or one could just pay no attention to him and give no thought to him.
5. Or one may remember that whatever he does, good or bad, he will be the heir to that.

(Anguttara Nikaya, book of fives)
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Re: cessation of arisen thoughts of hatred

Postby Stephen K » Sat Oct 17, 2009 6:16 pm

TheDhamma wrote:Pay no attention to him, ignore him; some people are just plain incorrigible. In those cases it is best to avoid them, but it sounds like you might be living with your mother and this 'man'?

If so, when do you think you would be able to go to a different place, on your own? I know there are obvious economic and school reasons that you may not be able to do so yet, but maybe you could see that as a goal to look forward to?

Given my circumstances it is not possible for me to move out. Yes, we do live together. I really like it here. I can bear his difficult character. It's just the irritable thoughts of aversion that I want to overcome. It's not such a big deal though, as probably my OP sounded like.
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Re: cessation of arisen thoughts of hatred

Postby Stephen K » Sat Oct 17, 2009 6:21 pm

TheDhamma wrote:The Five ways for getting rid of a grudge:

1. Cultivate loving-kindness toward the person.
2. Cultivate compassion toward the person.
3. Cultivate equanimity toward the person.
4. Or one could just pay no attention to him and give no thought to him.
5. Or one may remember that whatever he does, good or bad, he will be the heir to that.

(Anguttara Nikaya, book of fives)

Wow, thanks for that! I'll try putting this into practice. :anjali:
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Re: cessation of arisen thoughts of hatred

Postby catmoon » Sat Oct 17, 2009 6:23 pm

Shantideva is very good on this. A good commentary on Shantideva will bring out many less-than-obvious teachings.

I would go so far as to say, a month or two of earnest study and practice will greatly reduce the difficulties you face.
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Re: cessation of arisen thoughts of hatred

Postby Ben » Sun Oct 18, 2009 2:32 am

Hi Stefan
In the short term, you may not be able to stop the thoughts of anger and hatred from arising while in that situation.
Instead of engaging with his behaviour and his harsh words, try to focus your attention on sensations as they are arising in and on your body and try and remain equanimous to those sensations. Whatever thoughts are going on in your head, pay them little attention other to just note anger, anger....hatred, hatred....ill-will, ill-will.
All the best,

Ben
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Re: cessation of arisen thoughts of hatred

Postby Individual » Sun Oct 18, 2009 2:55 am

Stefan wrote:I'd like to know how thoughts of hatred can be made to subside.

In one of the suttas, there's a list... It seems to be redundantly worded, for ironic effect. Because in each case, the Buddha says the same thing: That hatred is subdued by recognizing that nothing more can be expected from the situation than what is already presented. Hatred, like any kind of craving, is rooted in unrealistic expectations; it's irrational. But when we feel angry, we feel otherwise. We feel that our anger is always "justified", that we "deserve" to be or "have a reason" to be angry. In reality, there can be no justification for anger. Knowing this and developing an intimacy with anger, anger can always be seen through as a silly delusion.
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Re: cessation of arisen thoughts of hatred

Postby christopher::: » Sun Oct 18, 2009 4:17 am

Great advice and observations. Interestingly, one can use the thoughts of hatred and aversion that arise as a way of gaining deeper understanding into what fuels your mother's partner's anger. What you are observing inside yourself is probably similar to what he feels all the time. Isnt it interesting how these kinds of feelings and thoughts perpetuate themselves and seem to pass on, almost like a virus?

Deep down you are not these thoughts and feelings, and neither is he. If you recognize this deeply you may find that compassion grows within you- for him, you start to see him differently. Seeing him differently you may find he starts to change gradually, calmed by your calm.

I find that happens with my wife and mom, when i react calmly to their anger.
"As Buddhists, we should aim to develop relationships that are not predominated by grasping and clinging. Our relationships should be characterised by the brahmaviharas of metta (loving kindness), mudita (sympathetic joy), karuna (compassion), and upekkha (equanimity)."
~post by Ben, Jul 02, 2009
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Re: cessation of arisen thoughts of hatred

Postby Stephen K » Sun Oct 18, 2009 4:17 pm

Thank you!
With metta,
Upāsaka Sumana
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