Everyone remembers how they used to be before they discovered Buddhism and a more truthful way to live. For some, including me, this past vision of oneself had a certain flare and spark which seems hard to come by in the want-to-be genuine new self. I realized very recently that this image I had of meditation and the "emotional perfection" that would come from it one day were very wrongly understood. I believe since I started reading into Buddhism I've begun to mesh with this ideal and have shut out defilements as if they are bad and shouldn't be there. I commonly have this shameful feeling arise as I hold back from feeling/acting out a defilement of mine and then I end up anxious/lacking confidence.
I'm happy to realize this, and when I now feel and act on defilements, I keep my confidence and a certain spark for life. That said, I don't see this as a problem. I think more of the problem is trying to allow myself to feel the deeper defilements and evils I've held on to and trapped away.
I don't believe that I will get swept away by these feelings in some dark way, of course my goal is to be aware of these defilements. And also, with the wisdom I now have, atleast in the form of information (sutamaya-panna? Is that right? Taking a guess) I believe this will help keep me in check.
I'd really like some feedback on these ideas, I'd love to hear from like-minded people especially but from anyone would be great! I'd also really appreciate links to articles, dhammatalks, etc on how to accept defilements and the benefits of this. Also anything on defilements in general, as in the different types, because this will help me information wise to know what I'm looking for. Thanks