Extremely good or extremely evil ? (Narcisism)

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Aloka
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Re: Extremely good or extremely evil ? (Narcisism)

Postby Aloka » Sat Apr 12, 2014 4:49 pm

dxm_dxm wrote:What is to laught about ?


I hardly think anyone is laughing . I'm sorry if you're offended by me mentioning a previous post about your recreational use of dxm, but your user name is, after all, dxm_dxm....

Wishing you well,

Aloka

dxm_dxm
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Re: Extremely good or extremely evil ? (Narcisism)

Postby dxm_dxm » Sat Apr 12, 2014 5:36 pm

I hardly think anyone is laughing . I'm sorry if you're offended by me mentioning a previous post about your recreational use of dxm, but your user name is, after all, dxm_dxm....

Wishing you well,

Aloka

Sorry I took it like that. The people seen that topic for the first time now should know that I do maintain my view that dxm can influence positivly the duration of meditation sitting by a ton with no secundary effects that could damage the meditation in any way if used by very experienced and sincere to themselves users but it is not something that can help in the long run. Also it should be noted that I was talking a ton of BS in that topic and I have not reached any jhana at the time of that been posted and was deluded.

I'm very glad to see you are curbing your drug use, I have gone through the same problems for years, getting sober 6 years ago was probably the best decision I have made to improve my life, my manic depression has gone into remission, although it took about a year after I got sober. Any mental disorder can be made worse by drugs, and staying sober can put you in more control of your problems, I wish you all the best!!

Thanks man :D You have no idea how bad drugs can worsen people with narcissism. I did my best even when I was at my peak with drug use and loved it not to touch stimulants. (alchool, amphetamine, coke) Man you have no idea what a drug that makes any man feel like god on earth does to somebody who already considers himself god on earth lol. Every time I used them even in tiny doses I got serotonine sindrome, something that happens when you have too much serotonine or dopamine in your head. As a side not I quited alchool in december althow I almost never used it because I was very close to killing somebody. I am the most peacefull guy on earth on alchool, even more than sober and I never got in the slightest argue on alchool till 4 months ago. I had an argue with another drunk guy on the street and at one point I said to him "I am fking invulnerable to law in this country, nothing will happen to me even if I kill you, wana see that ? " And then I saw an intact brick (what a weapon of choice) at my feat and runed after him in a very, very, very crowded area. Luky I could not catch him. Thanks to meditation now I only use weed and in low amounts compared to before. :D

dxm_dxm
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Re: Extremely good or extremely evil ? (Narcisism)

Postby dxm_dxm » Fri Apr 25, 2014 2:30 am

This conditions brings to me a special problem. It happens that I encountered this problem to a big degree, many times, recently.

When an injustice is done to me, only somebody like this can know how hard it is to take a decision. The decision is always taken by mental defense mechanisms and habits, a thing that only serves to reinforce my intuitional belief that free will does not exists, although I am not convinced of this intelectually. There is no real justice because there is only "me" who counts in equation of justice.

The battle is between disproportionate punishment, 10 eyes for an eye and totally forgiving it. (no other option exists) Many times I end up doing the second because of the complications involved in doing justice as a prosecutor without a badge and justify this to my mind through buddhism and my beliefs that forgiving is good and so maintaing my fragile god-on-earth view of myself. Many times I end up doing the second and I have to admit most of the time it's because of the complications involved in managing to inflict horrific violence to somebody. Thus, this is the main reason why I do my best not to fogive, if I forgive I know I did not do it on my free will and there is not even a good deed that I am doing to put in a ballance with what I am losing because there is no intention involved. The other cases that are not forgiven because of that, are forgiven because of lack of evidence, not because of feeling the slightest bit of compassion.

Recently I have had a day that because of external conditions was filled only with hatred and even fear- from waking till going to sleep. I have found that hatred and fear come together because the nature of a conflict situation, the risks of doing a 10 eye for an eye. I have found that it totally takes control of you, a thing that is bad even for the process of making 10 eye for an eye justice because it can make you do mistakes. I have found this condition unpleasant. It is a chore needed to maintain a grandiose ego.

I am amazed of what I wrote above, the level of intelectually knowing how I function and triple more amazed at how this changes absolutally nothing in me. There is not a separate human self observing what the narcissist self is doing and knowing how it functions and knowing his flaws, can take a decision based on that. No, there is only the narcissist self that replaced the "normal" self long time ago and only he exists at this time, exactly what the narcissist researchers are saying. It is the narcissist looking at how he takes decisions and can change nothing about the way they are taken because that is how he functions, like a robot aware he is a robot. A narcissist is a robot because of this, not only because he has no emotions.


I am looking at this post and it helps me with nothing in making a decision about my last problem. It's so funny that such a condition as this can exist. At least you "normal people" have more variables in equations.

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Dan74
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Re: Extremely good or extremely evil ? (Narcisism)

Postby Dan74 » Fri Apr 25, 2014 3:17 am

I have found this condition unpleasant. It is a chore needed to maintain a grandiose ego.

I am amazed of what I wrote above, the level of intelectually knowing how I function and triple more amazed at how this changes absolutally nothing in me.


I think change is difficult for all people, not only you, dxm_dxm.

There is clearly a part of you that is disenchanted with this 'narcissistic' personality, perhaps you should investigate these feelings. Also you may not perceive it as a self, but there is awareness prior to all your habits and there is no narcissism there.

As Ajahn Amaro translates the Pabhassara Sutta in Small Boat, Great Mountain "the heart’s nature is intrinsically radiant, defilements are only visitors.”
_/|\_


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