Craving for Friendship and Marriage

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Craving for Friendship and Marriage

Postby indian_buddhist » Mon Apr 21, 2014 8:35 am

As far as I can understand Buddhist philosophy , anything with Craving with wrong.

I am unable to understand it in the context of seeking Friends and Marriage (life partner). I know that Craving for Friendship and Marriage (for a life partner) would come under Bhava - Tanha.

Just want to understand as to what is the demarcation line between Craving and genuine desire for Friendship and/or marriage?. Is genuine desire for Friendship and/or Marriage wrong in Buddhism?.

To give you a good example: I being a male wanted to talk to my male office colleague - This was just genuine desire for Friendship but he did not respond properly. If felt hurt. Now I need to understand if this would come under the category of Craving for Friendship?.......If it was not craving and genuine desire then why did i feel hurt and upset?.

Buddha says that if you seek something without Attachments /Craving you will not be hurt/suffering. Then why did i feel hurt?.

Also in the context of getting married, I am seeking marriage and often i get spurned by girls. There was no craving involved just genuine seeking but on being spurned I felt hurt. Can anyone explain this in the context of the 4 Noble Truths?.

Also living a solitary life having no friends and abstinence from marriage would not come under the path of 8 Noble path right?.

Thanks.
Identification with my country is one of my fetters.
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Re: Craving for Friendship and Marriage

Postby TheNoBSBuddhist » Mon Apr 21, 2014 9:53 am

I am not sure, to Moderators, whether this thread is in the correct forum category...?

Anyway:
Listen, I am no expert. Maybe I should not even be replying, given my simple and uneducated approach; but I think you have this all wrong.

There is nothing wrong with wishing to be attached to someone.
You are human, so am I. We are all human, and as such we are gregarious and sociable.
We all need interaction with others, we need friends, and we enjoy the thought, as laypeople, of perhaps being able to marry and have a family.

There is nothing wrong with any of that.

When it becomes wrong, is when we make it the be-all and end-all of our objective.
we desire such things to obsession, and believe that the only way we can ever be truly happy is to accomplish those things.

'Those things', are not a problem.
Craving them to the point of obsession - is the problem.

Your hurt and upset at the reluctance of your colleague to be friendly, is a sign that you personally placed too much emphasis on desiring a result for yourself, rather than just being friendly for the sake of being friendly.

you were too 'attached' to the idea of making him your friend.

you placed the emphasis on the desire for the outcome, not the action.

Some attachments are commendable.
For example, my 'attachment' to wanting to better myself and learn more about the Dhamma, is a positive attachment.
But once I feel I have reached a position where i feel comfortable and confident, sufficiently, for myself and my own progress, I will not hold on to the attachment of wanting more knowledge.
My 'desire' will have served its purpose.

I will no longer require the raft, you see....?

Attachment can be good, but when it becomes an obsession and transforms into an 'at all costs' desire, THAT is when it becomes unhealthy.
:namaste:

You will not be punished FOR your 'emotions'; you will be punished BY your 'emotions'.



Image

Pay attention, simplify, and (Meditation instruction in a nutshell) "Mind - the Gap."
‘Absit invidia verbo’ - may ill-will be absent from the word. And mindful of that, if I don't respond, this may be why....
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Re: Craving for Friendship and Marriage

Postby Aloka » Mon Apr 21, 2014 10:40 am

Hi indian_buddhist,

Its possible that you might find something helpful in Ven P.A. Payutto's booklet "A Constitution for Living" which is advice for lay Buddhists.

http://www.watnyanaves.net/uploads/File/books/pdf/a_constitution_for_living.pdf

With kind regards,

Aloka
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Re: Craving for Friendship and Marriage

Postby fivebells » Mon Apr 21, 2014 10:54 am

indian_buddhist, Buddhism doesn't demand that you give up anything before you're ready to.

What you're probably craving in those situations is respect, love and power, and those cravings are probably the source of your suffering. You need to make your own investigation to see whether that's really the case, though.

Buddhism doesn't demand that you give up the search for these things, it only promises that 1) the craving for them will cause you suffering, 2) abandoning the craving will release the suffering and 3) samatha practice will give you a more reliable place to stand in assessing this kind of dilemma.
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Re: Craving for Friendship and Marriage

Postby TheNoBSBuddhist » Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:13 am

You see? I told you I was 'simple and uneducated!'

:tongue:

Very good counsel from both Aloka and fivebells.

:namaste:
:namaste:

You will not be punished FOR your 'emotions'; you will be punished BY your 'emotions'.



Image

Pay attention, simplify, and (Meditation instruction in a nutshell) "Mind - the Gap."
‘Absit invidia verbo’ - may ill-will be absent from the word. And mindful of that, if I don't respond, this may be why....
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Re: Craving for Friendship and Marriage

Postby shaunc » Mon Apr 21, 2014 6:41 pm

TheNoBSBuddhist wrote:I am not sure, to Moderators, whether this thread is in the correct forum category...?

Anyway:
Listen, I am no expert. Maybe I should not even be replying, given my simple and uneducated approach; but I think you have this all wrong.

There is nothing wrong with wishing to be attached to someone.
You are human, so am I. We are all human, and as such we are gregarious and sociable.
We all need interaction with others, we need friends, and we enjoy the thought, as laypeople, of perhaps being able to marry and have a family.

There is nothing wrong with any of that.

When it becomes wrong, is when we make it the be-all and end-all of our objective.
we desire such things to obsession, and believe that the only way we can ever be truly happy is to accomplish those things.

'Those things', are not a problem.
Craving them to the point of obsession - is the problem.

Your hurt and upset at the reluctance of your colleague to be friendly, is a sign that you personally placed too much emphasis on desiring a result for yourself, rather than just being friendly for the sake of being friendly.

you were too 'attached' to the idea of making him your friend.

you placed the emphasis on the desire for the outcome, not the action.

Some attachments are commendable.
For example, my 'attachment' to wanting to better myself and learn more about the Dhamma, is a positive attachment.
But once I feel I have reached a position where i feel comfortable and confident, sufficiently, for myself and my own progress, I will not hold on to the attachment of wanting more knowledge.
My 'desire' will have served its purpose.

I will no longer require the raft, you see....?

Attachment can be good, but when it becomes an obsession and transforms into an 'at all costs' desire, THAT is when it becomes unhealthy.
:goodpost:
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