Age difference in relationship

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steve19800
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Age difference in relationship

Postby steve19800 » Fri Aug 01, 2014 5:50 am

Hi Everyone,

First of all, I don't know if this topic is Modern Theravada in particular but I would like to know at least from your perspective or experience.
Do you think age difference contributes to a harmonious relationship? For example if you have 3 or 6 years gap then most of the time the relationship will be going through hard times particularly in married life. I know this sounds ridiculous but I witnessed many to be true.

Can anyone share some thoughts? Thanks.

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby retrofuturist » Fri Aug 01, 2014 5:58 am

Greetings Steve,

I don't see why that need be so. Each of my grandfathers is/was several years older than their wives and they got along famously.

My girlfriend is 8.5 years younger than me, and whilst it's not always smooth sailing, I don't think this has anything to do with age per se...

Metta,
Retro. :)
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby Mkoll » Fri Aug 01, 2014 6:01 am

steve19800 wrote:Hi Everyone,

First of all, I don't know if this topic is Modern Theravada in particular but I would like to know at least from your perspective or experience.
Do you think age difference contributes to a harmonious relationship? For example if you have 3 or 6 years gap then most of the time the relationship will be going through hard times particularly in married life. I know this sounds ridiculous but I witnessed many to be true.

Can anyone share some thoughts? Thanks.

I'd say open Dhamma or the Lounge would be the best home.

I agree with retro.
Peace,
James

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby SarathW » Fri Aug 01, 2014 6:55 am

This may not directly related to your OP.
In Parabhava Sutta it says if a very old man (say 80 year old man) get married to a vey young woman (Say 18 years old) that is a reason for loss of wealth.
:shrug:

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby Sweet_Nothing » Fri Aug 01, 2014 7:19 am

As long as there is genuine affection, intimacy and understanding I do not think a reasonable difference in age matters.
Any relationship is wholesome when there are no impure intentions involved. At the same time, it is important to be with one partner rather than moving on to different partners over and over again, as this only multiplies attachments/sankharas creating more delusion.
Namo Tassa Bhagawato, Arahato, Samma Sambuddhasa

By uplifting others, we uplift ourselves.
By uplifting ourselves, we may uplift others.

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby Kim OHara » Fri Aug 01, 2014 7:47 am

retrofuturist wrote:Greetings Steve,

I don't see why that need be so. Each of my grandfathers is/was several years older than their wives and they got along famously.
My girlfriend is 8.5 years younger than me, and whilst it's not always smooth sailing, I don't think this has anything to do with age per se...

Metta,
Retro. :)

In my family the age differences (for whatever reason) have run the other way: my mother five years older than my father, and my brothers all marrying girls one to five years older than themselves.
:shrug:
My son and his friends (all now in their twenties) say that any girl they go out with should be at least [half their own age plus seven years] old or the relationship is too unequal. That seems about right to me, too, even for older people, since an age difference of five or ten years matters as little in middle age as a difference of a couple of years for teenagers.

But the key is some reasonable approximation of equality.

:namaste:
Kim

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby equilibrium » Fri Aug 01, 2014 9:59 am

Age is based on time.....yet time doesn't really exist at all.....hence, there is no such a thing as age.

Therefore.....harmonious relationship doesn't depend on age....it depends on something else.

Furthermore.....harmonious relationship is subjective.....life isn't meant to be harmonious is it?.....or the way "I" want it to be?

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby SarathW » Fri Aug 01, 2014 10:05 am

What we call the time is the change (impermanence)
Impermanence (changing nature) is there.
:thinking:

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby Sam Vara » Fri Aug 01, 2014 10:09 am

I don't think it matters at all. I'm 26 years older than my wife. She is also a Christian, considering training to become a priest. We know two other couples who have even bigger age gaps. Any lack of harmony in my marriage is usually due to me forgetting to treat her with respect - so I think this is the important thing!

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby TheNoBSBuddhist » Fri Aug 01, 2014 10:39 am

The only times a noticeable age-difference may be an issue, is "right at the beginning" and "right at the end".

For example, Sam Vara, at the time you met your wife, all things might have been completely appropriate; however, had you met her when you were 29, little would you have thought that the three-year-old in front of you would have become your wife! And I am acquainted with a couple, the wife of which attended her husband's christening. Admittedly she was only 13, but you get the picture. So beginnings need some form of ethical approach, if such attractions occur at a time when the society the couple live within, consider it unreasonable.
Similarly, at the other end of the spectrum, it is extremely common that the younger member of the relationship becomes the older member's carer - as happened with my aunt and uncle. She was 13 years younger than he, and ended up being his nurse, carer, companion and cook, as he became more and more infirm.
Age differences are all in the mind. If love exists, ages are mere numbers indicating chronological progress.
:namaste:

You will not be punished FOR your 'emotions'; you will be punished BY your 'emotions'.



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Pay attention, simplify, and (Meditation instruction in a nutshell) "Mind - the Gap."
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby Mkoll » Fri Aug 01, 2014 12:14 pm

TheNoBSBuddhist wrote:For example, Sam Vara, at the time you met your wife, all things might have been completely appropriate; however, had you met her when you were 29, little would you have thought that the three-year-old in front of you would have become your wife!

:rofl:
Peace,
James

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby Reductor » Fri Aug 01, 2014 4:58 pm

My wife and I have been together for 10 years (9 married, one not). It's been pretty rough for much of it, but I don't think that has as much to do with our age difference as it does with our personality differences.

Possibly we've had trouble from a difference in sex drive, with me being younger and her older. But more likely, I now think, she's just not as lust bent as I am and has never been.

What's our age difference, you ask? Well, I began to date her when I was 21, and we'd not reached the limits set out by Kim above (half one's age plus seven years). I was four years too young for even that! Lol.

So, five or six years sound like nothing, to me. More like an excuse when things are a bit difficult ("Oh, you're such an old man! How can we ever relate! You're practically my father (if you had me while in kindergarten)!"). Anyway... good luck with whatever.
Michael

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby steve19800 » Tue Aug 05, 2014 2:16 am

retrofuturist wrote:Greetings Steve,

I don't see why that need be so. Each of my grandfathers is/was several years older than their wives and they got along famously.

My girlfriend is 8.5 years younger than me, and whilst it's not always smooth sailing, I don't think this has anything to do with age per se...

Metta,
Retro. :)


Greetings Retro,

Thanks all for the fast reply. Sorry for being unclear, what I meant by the gap are 3 and 6 years. It is not superstitious but there maybe some astrological influence or elements involved in some people who were born in particular time which do not match with other characters? I know couples who have 6 or 3 years gap with their partner are often encountering much more problem to their relationship, either health problem suddenly emerged after the marriage or the relationship itself. Does anyone know anyone who has 3 or 6 years gap but experience the opposite? I know it's strange but I haven't seen any.

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby Ben » Tue Aug 05, 2014 2:23 am

steve19800 wrote:
retrofuturist wrote:Greetings Steve,

I don't see why that need be so. Each of my grandfathers is/was several years older than their wives and they got along famously.

My girlfriend is 8.5 years younger than me, and whilst it's not always smooth sailing, I don't think this has anything to do with age per se...

Metta,
Retro. :)


Greetings Retro,

Thanks all for the fast reply. Sorry for being unclear, what I meant by the gap are 3 and 6 years. It is not superstitious but there maybe some astrological influence or elements involved in some people who were born in particular time which do not match with other characters? I know couples who have 6 or 3 years gap with their partner are often encountering much more problem to their relationship, either health problem suddenly emerged after the marriage or the relationship itself. Does anyone know anyone who has 3 or 6 years gap but experience the opposite? I know it's strange but I haven't seen any.


My wife and I have been together 22 years and we have a six year age difference.
Keep in mind all relationships require constant work.
Kind regards,
Ben
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby SarathW » Tue Aug 05, 2014 4:51 am

steve19800 wrote:
retrofuturist wrote:Greetings Steve,

I don't see why that need be so. Each of my grandfathers is/was several years older than their wives and they got along famously.

My girlfriend is 8.5 years younger than me, and whilst it's not always smooth sailing, I don't think this has anything to do with age per se...

Metta,
Retro. :)


Greetings Retro,

Thanks all for the fast reply. Sorry for being unclear, what I meant by the gap are 3 and 6 years. It is not superstitious but there maybe some astrological influence or elements involved in some people who were born in particular time which do not match with other characters? I know couples who have 6 or 3 years gap with their partner are often encountering much more problem to their relationship, either health problem suddenly emerged after the marriage or the relationship itself. Does anyone know anyone who has 3 or 6 years gap but experience the opposite? I know it's strange but I haven't seen any.


Even if you marry to someone who was born as you, on the same year, month, hour, day, minutes and seconds makes no difference.
It just two ignorant people.
Oscar Wilds said "the secret of a happy marriage is the mutual miss understanding"

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Marriage
:shrug:

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby TheNoBSBuddhist » Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:51 am

steve19800 wrote:....what I meant by the gap are 3 and 6 years. It is not superstitious but there maybe some astrological influence or elements involved in some people who were born in particular time which do not match with other characters? I know couples who have 6 or 3 years gap with their partner are often encountering much more problem to their relationship, either health problem suddenly emerged after the marriage or the relationship itself. Does anyone know anyone who has 3 or 6 years gap but experience the opposite? I know it's strange but I haven't seen any.

I have known plenty more couples have difficulties within their relationships when the gaps have been completely different... 2 years, 4 years, 5 years (that's a common one!) and 8 years.
The age-difference is completely irrelevant, and I would respectfully suggest you attach no specific importance or significance to such a gap. There is no hidden meaning, no symbolic essence. It's just a chronological calculation. What matters is the continued maintenance, care, consideration and attention you give to the relationship. And as Ben accurately points pout, the work is never complete. It is constant, and often, requires reappraisal.
:namaste:

You will not be punished FOR your 'emotions'; you will be punished BY your 'emotions'.



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Pay attention, simplify, and (Meditation instruction in a nutshell) "Mind - the Gap."
‘Absit invidia verbo’ - may ill-will be absent from the word. And mindful of that, if I don't respond, this may be why....

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby steve19800 » Sun Aug 10, 2014 6:12 am

Thanks all for all your replies.
I know it sounds illogical and irrational but I witnessed a lot, not limited only to a wife-husband relationship but also siblings relationship, not sure how to prove it. Thanks again.

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby TheNoBSBuddhist » Sun Aug 10, 2014 7:08 am

You need to widen your research; I guarantee that these are coincidences. It's like going on a long road trip; In order to distract and amuse them, you give the children a task of counting cars and vehicles of a certain colour (blue), but not another (red) - and then you remain astounded by in fact, just how many red cars there are.... I think you may have looked for answers wanting the answers to be there. That's fine, that's ok; but do not accord credit to one factor, for things going wrong, when in fact, the problem is closer to home and more within your heart and mind, than in any chronological age factor.
Age difference is often irrelevant, but can carry much weight if you neglect the real source of the problem.
Be well. With metta.
:namaste:

You will not be punished FOR your 'emotions'; you will be punished BY your 'emotions'.



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Pay attention, simplify, and (Meditation instruction in a nutshell) "Mind - the Gap."
‘Absit invidia verbo’ - may ill-will be absent from the word. And mindful of that, if I don't respond, this may be why....

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby shaunc » Mon Aug 11, 2014 9:48 am

My wife is 13 years younger than me & we've been married for 13 years. When we married she was 24 & I was 37.
I suppose a mans only as old as the woman he feels. :lol:

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Re: Age difference in relationship

Postby Cittasanto » Mon Aug 11, 2014 10:11 am

Hi Steve
My relationship has a 6 year age gap. and my grandad was with someone about 20 year younger. so I see no specific problem due to age, but that doesn't mean there is never issues any relationship could have.

Kind Regards
Cittasanto
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