How can I deal with false compassion and kindness?

[angryrika]

Something I noticed in my practice is that, whenever somebody is acting unwholesomely or is suffering, I try to think of something I could say to help them or bring them on the "right track". It's hard for me to listen to the suffering of others or comfort them, easier for me to just analyze their behavior. But I know that this in itself is unwholesome and is not necessarily pure compassion/kindness. I find myself in situations where I feel like I'm obligated to offer comforting words (to those who suffer), or words of mutual joy (to those who have accomplished or gained something good). I feel like this sense of obligation is a huge obstacle; it prevents me from speaking my mind and makes me think of what I "should" say. I don't know how to make the "stock phrases" of compassion/kindness ("I'm sorry to hear that...") feel genuine and not empty. I find that when being compassionate is something you do in order to be a "better person", it is not complete; it's built strictly on social conventions as opposed to discernment (in my personal experience).

Here's an example of looking for solutions: I have a friend that hangs out with some guys who seem to be very interested in her. They talk dirty with her, they try to go on dates with her, and when she says no they beat themselves up and/or try to make her like them. When she talks to me about them, I find myself getting very preoccupied with knowing more and more about what those people say to her so I can think of a solution to the whole issue. While she obviously seems distressed with their behavior, my focus goes away from that and towards the solution.

How are others dealing with this issue? What are some things/habits you've found to be important to notice/pay attention to or cultivate?

[Bakmoon]

Being kind or compassionate doesn't necessarily require you to have a particular feeling or emotion. If something bad happens to someone and you wish that it hadn't happened to them, you are telling the truth when you say that you are sorry that happened to them.

Don't be hard on yourself. Remember we need to have metta and compassion for ourselves too.

[Sam Vara]

Just a thought about this bit:

I have a friend that hangs out with some guys who seem to be very interested in her. They talk dirty with her, they try to go on dates with her, and when she says no they beat themselves up and/or try to make her like them. When she talks to me about them, I find myself getting very preoccupied with knowing more and more about what those people say to her so I can think of a solution to the whole issue. While she obviously seems distressed with their behavior, my focus goes away from that and towards the solution.

It's difficult to know from such a brief second-hand account, but it might be that your friend is not all that distressed with the situation. Due to sexual double standards, vanity, etc., many women would find this situation quite appealing and flattering. Confirmation that she is desirable, without loss of reputation, plus sympathy. If it were all that distressing, she could presumably stop "hanging out" with these guys. Worth considering, anyway.

In terms of the general problem, I think Bakmoon's advice is good. If you think your lack of compassion is a problem, then have compassion for yourself. Start with where you are.

[SarathW]

Do not forget about the Upekkha. (equanimity)
You can't solve all the problems in the world.
Dukkha (unsatisfactoryness) is the nature of the world.
We always will have some thing to complain about.

[paul]

... it's built strictly on social conventions as opposed to discernment (in my personal experience).

This is an important observation; it is discernment of the difference between conventional (vohara) and ultimate (paramattha) reality. Continue to contemplate this difference as it's basic to insight. It's necessary to protect the practice by avoiding unprofitable relationships, to maintain footing in the ariya-bhumi.

"Bhumi (lit., soil, ground) means the stages where all creatures find their footing, generate, and grow. It is of two kinds: (1) puthujjana-bhumi: the stage of the worldling; (2) ariya-bhumi: the stage of the noble ones."

[lyndon taylor]

Sounds like you are trying to force yourself to be compassionate when you do not feel naturally compassionate at all, If you truly develop compassion in your heart, you will have no trouble expressing that compassion for others, it will come naturally. Forcing yourself to be compassionate when you do not feel compassionate will not necessarily help you to be any more compassionate. I would meditate on why and how you can develop genuine compassion, then you will feel no need to force compassion, it will come naturally for you. IMHO

[Zom]

Yes, this is very interesting thing about these "stock phrases". I noticed that I often have this same kind of problem - simply because these "stock phrases" are, well, a lie. Not a big one though, but still, if you practise right speech...

[angryrika]

Being kind or compassionate doesn't necessarily require you to have a particular feeling or emotion. If something bad happens to someone and you wish that it hadn't happened to them, you are telling the truth when you say that you are sorry that happened to them.

Don't be hard on yourself. Remember we need to have metta and compassion for ourselves too.

I forgot to mention that I often don't wish that something bad hasn't happened to someone. If I do, it usually is not genuine (and that's for sure). It's hard for me to discern the suffering in others, because I can only see their expressions of it.

It's difficult to know from such a brief second-hand account, but it might be that your friend is not all that distressed with the situation. Due to sexual double standards, vanity, etc., many women would find this situation quite appealing and flattering. Confirmation that she is desirable, without loss of reputation, plus sympathy. If it were all that distressing, she could presumably stop "hanging out" with these guys. Worth considering, anyway.

That's an interesting way to look at it, and it does make sense. But in all the 5 years I've known her, she's often complained to me about guys hitting on her. I wouldn't say that she's depressed or anything about it, but she's just so clearly annoyed and angry (but not in a fit of rage).

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Thanks all! I'll definitely keep trying to not be hard on myself.