OK so now I have started what about?.....

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OK so now I have started what about?.....

Postby EmmaMicaela » Wed Jul 01, 2009 2:07 am

I have just read Setting the wheel in motion - Thanissaro bhikkhu
The Fire Sermon - Thanissaro bhikkhu
Five Brethren - Thanissaro bhikkhu


I have a little girl. If I am to be dispassionate, how can I be a proper caregiver to my daughter who I love ( which is clinging to , suffering.)
I need to be engaged
I have tried to be mindful with her being about daily, not really working.
Is there a way?
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Re: OK so now I have started what about?.....

Postby David N. Snyder » Wed Jul 01, 2009 2:13 am

There are some good points, suggestions, and tips mentioned over in this thread:

viewtopic.php?f=14&t=1622

All the posts in that thread are good, but especially the posts from those who are parents (you'll be able to tell). :tongue:
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Re: OK so now I have started what about?.....

Postby retrofuturist » Wed Jul 01, 2009 2:14 am

Greetings EmmaMicaela,

Thanissaro Bhikkhu's translations are by and large pretty good, although it might be worth investing in a copy of "In The Buddha's Words" by Bhikkhu Bodhi, widely held as an excellent introductory structured compendium of the Buddha's teachings in their ancient sutta form.

As for the questions in relation to your daughter, check out the topics...

Attachment and my new baby daughter
viewtopic.php?f=14&t=1622

Buddhism for the 21st Century Parent
viewtopic.php?f=14&t=149

... and possibly also invest in the following books from Sarah Napthali (I've read the first and it's pretty good)...

Buddhism For Mothers
http://www.allenandunwin.com/default.as ... 1741140101

Buddhism For Mothers With Lingering Questions
http://www.allenandunwin.com/default.as ... 1741149074

Metta,
Retro. :)
If you have asked me of the origination of unease, then I shall explain it to you in accordance with my understanding:
Whatever various forms of unease there are in the world, They originate founded in encumbering accumulation. (Pārāyanavagga)


Exalted in mind, just open and clearly aware, the recluse trained in the ways of the sages:
One who is such, calmed and ever mindful, He has no sorrows! -- Udana IV, 7


Dharma Wheel (Mahayana / Vajrayana forum) -- Open flower ~ Open book (blog)
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Re: OK so now I have started what about?.....

Postby BlackBird » Wed Jul 01, 2009 3:15 am

EmmaMicaela wrote:I have a little girl. If I am to be dispassionate


I am only young, so I know little of what it is like to be a parent, but I am still on the recieving end of a mother's love - so maybe I can offer a little advice here.

Let go of dispassion, first of all. Imagine the idea of dispassion to be a heavy stone that you're holding in your hand, so save yourself the stress and put it down. Release it. Feel the freedom of giving up on dispassion.

EmmaMicaela wrote:I need to be engaged


Here is the problem.

When you hear "I need to be this, I need to be that"
This is clinging. You're trying to be something that is not what is right at this moment. Suffering likes to tag along behind this "I need, I need, I need"

It's important for you to care for your daughter the best way a mother can. Instead of trying to change the way things are in your head, just try to observe what's going on. Observe the voice inside which says: "I need I need I need"
When you see it, you're no longer caught up in these thoughts, when you're no longer caught up, you're not suffering so much.

It's important to develop calm, without some degree of calm we cannot see these thoughts arise and fall away, we just get caught up in them and so the cycle of suffering continues.

So when you've next got 5 or 10 minutes - sit down, and just watch the breath. Focus on it, did your Mum ever tell you to "STOP and take 3 deep breaths!" It's a bit like that... You just drop everything you're doing and watch the breath. Naturally the mind goes wandering off to all your worldly concerns - That's natural. So you bring the mind gently back to the breath. You can count the breaths if you like - This helps. Mind goes wandering again, thinking about your daughter, the supermarket, your family, friends, what you had for dinner last night - what you'll have for dinner tonight! That's ok, just bring it gently back to the breath. If you keep gently watching the breath - in a comfortable position, you'll start to feel a greater sense of calm arise.

This calm is your working ground, it gives you the right space - The right head space, to see what's going on in your mind.

Before you can start looking at your attachments to your daughter, you'll need a good degree of calm.
When you get calm enough you will see that a Mother's love for her daughter, and clinging/attachment - Are two very different things.

Wishing you the very best
With love
Jack.
"For a disciple who has conviction in the Teacher's message & lives to penetrate it, what accords with the Dhamma is this:
'The Blessed One is the Teacher, I am a disciple. He is the one who knows, not I." - MN. 70 Kitagiri Sutta
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Re: OK so now I have started what about?.....

Postby kc2dpt » Wed Jul 01, 2009 4:00 am

BlackBird wrote:When you get calm enough you will see that a Mother's love for her daughter, and clinging/attachment - Are two very different things.

I agree. As your practice develops, you will become more able to discern the wholesome form the unwholesome. Sometimes it's obvious and sometimes it's subtle. :spy:
- Peter

Be heedful and you will accomplish your goal.
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Re: OK so now I have started what about?.....

Postby Jechbi » Wed Jul 01, 2009 6:02 am

Hello Emma,
EmmaMicaela wrote:I have a little girl. If I am to be dispassionate, how can I be a proper caregiver to my daughter who I love ( which is clinging to , suffering.)
I need to be engaged

...

Is there a way?

Yes.

From the Mangala Sutta, in the words of the Buddha (at least one translation of them) --
To support mother and father, to cherish wife and children, and to be engaged in peaceful occupation — this is the greatest blessing.


Further explanation from here --
Ven. Pesala wrote:The Buddha encouraged people to fulfil their duties to all one’s family members, but he did not urge people to indulge in affection. Since he said, “From affection springs grief, from affection springs fear” how could he have urged people to increase their grief and fear? ... What the Buddha means here, is that one should provide and care for one’s family members with loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic-joy, and equanimity. He does not mean that one should indulge in affection, lust, and attachment.


So parenthood can be an opportunity to cultivate the four sublime states.

Metta
Rain soddens what is kept wrapped up,
But never soddens what is open;
Uncover, then, what is concealed,
Lest it be soddened by the rain.
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Re: OK so now I have started what about?.....

Postby EmmaMicaela » Wed Jul 01, 2009 1:29 pm

Thank You All of you. Now I go forth
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