Dealing with people who want to hurt us...

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catmoon
Posts: 369
Joined: Sat Oct 17, 2009 1:59 am

Re: Dealing with people who want to hurt us...

Post by catmoon »

Metta for difficult people is... difficult. My experience has been that it is best to simply keep chipping away at it a little each day. Don't try to get there in one fell swoop. In time, maybe weeks, maybe months, you will succeed in creating some small goodwill that you can actually feel. The hard part is making that first crack. Once it is there, the crack can be widened with less difficulty.
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orangemod
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:39 am
Location: Decatur Illinois

Re: Dealing with people who want to hurt us...

Post by orangemod »

Hi green-tea
I know almost nothing about Buddhist teachings, unlike so many here.
But if I may, my Father has passed away last year. We had a very good relationship. I remember telling my Mom that of course I am sad that he is gone, but having the great relationship we had gives me some peace.
I sincerely hope you can go to your Father and talk to him about this. I cant tell you what to say, but I can tell you that someday he will be gone and I wish you to only have a good feeling about your relationship.

Everyone has a different place they are in as it relates to forgiveness and what they are willing to do to repair bad feelings....as I said, I cannot tell you what to say.
But in my estimation, if you really try to make things okay again, you will at least feel you did all you could when he is no longer here. Sometimes just saying: "Hey Dad, I'm sorry I told to to screw-off :) I was just angry and lost my temper" He may (hopefully) reciprocate and say he is sorry too. Things can really get better from there. One thing is for sure, it cant hurt to try !!!
At present my own Brother is very unfriendly to me. I said something that he was offended by. Forget the fact that it was not offensive or meant to be. He just let his personal insecurity get the better of him.
So whats old Dave do ??? yup, I apologized to him and told him I meant no offense and gave him some information that might help him understand.
What did he do? Well, he refused my apology and apparently "wants" to remain "offended"
Well, what can I say ? I felt I have done all I can and no longer feel bad about our poor relations. That is because I have done all I can. I refuse to carry around hate for him. I am sorry for him that he does !!!

"Holding onto hate for others is like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to die"
I wish you luck.
Cheers, Dave
rowyourboat
Posts: 1952
Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 5:29 pm
Location: London, UK

Re: Dealing with people who want to hurt us...

Post by rowyourboat »

dear Green Tea

My heart goes out to you. You are in a very difficult situation I think. I am currently having problems with a narcisitic boss and you father reminded me of him. There can be no doubt that growing up with a man like that has affected you as well. Please do whatever required to generate better mental health for yourself. Also the temptation will be strong to bury your negative emotions in meditation. It is eventually better to work through them with someone. Being mindful of the mind also helps a lot.

with metta
With Metta

Karuna
Mudita
& Upekkha
5heaps
Posts: 334
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2009 12:19 am

Re: Dealing with people who want to hurt us...

Post by 5heaps »

green-tea wrote:I would love any input on this!
Technically there's nothing you can do.. it's a situation involving 2 contaminated objects (ie. you and your father).

On the other hand you can try and set up a brighter future with what you've got. Two methods spring to mind:
1) leave harmful people and find very virtuous lucid people to live and practice around.
2) try to apply your dhamma knowledge to the situation, which will lead either positive consequences (ie. really learning compassion, learning about the obscured nature of hate+resentment+etc, of detachment from the 8 worldly thoughts) or negative consequences (ie. kicked out of the house, emotional hell, etc), or both.

Applying dhamma knowledge of course implies having learned dhamma well and then contemplated it well.
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