The First Step is Taken: Application is in.

[Anagarika]

Jayantha, I have heard other accomplished Bhikkhus talk about how important it was to visualize their teachers during moments of doubt, one mentioning that he would think of Ajahn Chah when he would have fears and doubts about remaining in robes. You alluded to this in your post, and it may be that fears and anxieties are based on just that...fears, which are often not fact based. The fact of the existence of men like Ajahn Chah ( and we can all think of others we know now in robes who are living example of life in robes) can be that pillar of strength when the mind send you to thoughts of "what have I done?" My own feeling is that if one thinks of what one has given up, there can be a sense of longing and pain. If you think in terms of what you are gaining, then there is a sense of confidence. If a life in robes were not something that for you represented an advancement, a noble commitment, then taking this path might be fraught with doubt. But if you visualize Ven. Gunaratana, or any other contemporary monk or nun, and see the life they have lived and are living, then for you it is possible, too. And what wonderful and positive possibilities await you, is yet for you to find out.

My brother once told me in reference to his vocation, "if it was easy, everyone would do it." Sounds to me like you have the right stuff. Rather than let fear guide, you, take each day one day at a time, and once you settle into the life, you may find that things like the stable job, the movies and other entertainments, are worth giving up. Many monks and nuns have regular contact with their families, and perhaps your nephew will be inspired and benefit by seeing his uncle pursuing something so positive and noble. Read up a bit on Ajahn Chah's life..he was apparently a popular young man in his village and very close to his mother. He left a lot behind, and may have had moments of anxiety over leaving, too.

[Sokehi]

Dear Jayanta, I feel with you and know exactly what you are going through.

This too will pass. "Let the tears run dry" and then you wonder "where did this doubt come from?".

[Sokehi]

Jayantha, I have heard other accomplished Bhikkhus talk about how important it was to visualize their teachers during moments of doubt, one mentioning that he would think of Ajahn Chah when he would have fears and doubts about remaining in robes. You alluded to this in your post, and it may be that fears and anxieties are based on just that...fears, which are often not fact based. The fact of the existence of men like Ajahn Chah ( and we can all think of others we know now in robes who are living example of life in robes) can be that pillar of strength when the mind send you to thoughts of "what have I done?" My own feeling is that if one thinks of what one has given up, there can be a sense of longing and pain. If you think in terms of what you are gaining, then there is a sense of confidence. If a life in robes were not something that for you represented an advancement, a noble commitment, then taking this path might be fraught with doubt. But if you visualize Ven. Gunaratana, or any other contemporary monk or nun, and see the life they have lived and are living, then for you it is possible, too. And what wonderful and positive possibilities await you, is yet for you to find out.

My brother once told me in reference to his vocation, "if it was easy, everyone would do it." Sounds to me like you have the right stuff. Rather than let fear guide, you, take each day one day at a time, and once you settle into the life, you may find that things like the stable job, the movies and other entertainments, are worth giving up. Many monks and nuns have regular contact with their families, and perhaps your nephew will be inspired and benefit by seeing his uncle pursuing something so positive and noble. Read up a bit on Ajahn Chah's life..he was apparently a popular young man in his village and very close to his mother. He left a lot behind, and may have had moments of anxiety over leaving, too.

I like your advice, very helpful. You'd like to share this in the "how not to disrobe"-thread, friend?

[Viscid]

Your experience reminds me of a talk Ajahn Brahm gives about Ajahn Chah, who asks his monastics "Have you come here to die?"

I have no experience with ordination myself, but from what I've read from others:

The panic you feel is a confrontation with death. You're giving up everything, so the mind revolts: it wants to remain attached, to return to old habits and ways of thinking. You've now cut off the mind from the past, and it frantically scratches at the door like a trapped rodent. Your old self is dying, and there's acute anxiety associated with that process.

Eventually monastics begin to deeply appreciate the monastic life, and the inherent joy and freedom that it brings. The process takes a long time, though [potentially years, I've heard] and there will be recurring bouts of great fear and doubt. From what I observe, the monastics that survive are those with the strongest faith.

[Bhikkhu_Jayasara]

Your experience reminds me of a talk Ajahn Brahm gives about Ajahn Chah, who asks his monastics "Have you come here to die?"

I have no experience with ordination myself, but from what I've read from others:

The panic you feel is a confrontation with death. You're giving up everything, so the mind revolts: it wants to remain attached, to return to old habits and ways of thinking. You've now cut off the mind from the past, and it frantically scratches at the door like a trapped rodent. Your old self is dying, and there's acute anxiety associated with that process.

Eventually monastics begin to deeply appreciate the monastic life, and the inherent joy and freedom that it brings. The process takes a long time, though [potentially years, I've heard] and there will be recurring bouts of great fear and doubt. From what I observe, the monastics that survive are those with the strongest faith.

Ajahn Brahm is amazing once more.. Its funny when I think about dieing to everything, there is only one thing in life my mind really rejects to allowing me to die, and that is my nephew who ive lived together with since he was 1 years old(hes almost 10) and ive been a father figure and best friend to. Although ive told him and prepared him for my leaving and i view my leaving as a good lesson in loss for him, getting a glypse as to what me leaving will do fills me with sadness, funny how i never had much of an issue about it until this weekend, but i suppose the reality of the ssituation never hit on all of us until now. He is not my son, and he is not financially dependant on me, but its going to be probably the only thing thay really gives me any pause in leaving.

[Khalil Bodhi]

Anumodana!

[Bhikkhu_Jayasara]

Your experience reminds me of a talk Ajahn Brahm gives about Ajahn Chah, who asks his monastics "Have you come here to die?"

Last night after reading most of this talk I sat on my bed before sleep, thinking to myself.. I have to die to my old life, I kept repeating that, I think with elements of disbelief, fear, hesitation, sadness.... I imagined that no matter what happens, i die, I leave, work will go on without me, life will go on without me, it truly will be as if i never existed or mattered. That was frightening at first but as I wen through the process It did feel somewhat freeing. I did the visualization that Brahm talks about here and it actually helped me feel better. I think there is something to this article and I will probably be using this technique a lot in the coming months.

It seems like every step of the way down my journey, Brahm is there to guide me.

[Sokehi]

12 years ago I left Wat Nanachat due to difficulties with letting go of old habits and identities (most often build around habits). Then I could really see and feel what "dying" means in a monastic context. Very very difficult.

Just one year later I did regret leaving the monastery and it took me 11 more years to get everything prepared, internally and externally, to enter a monastery again.

So having experienced this I hope that you won't repeat my "mistake". You might regret it later. Emotions like this are to be expected and I suppose are actually a sign that the practice is working. I recall a saying of Ajahn Chah about a wet stick put into sunlight. We are wet sticks and a monastery is the warm sunlight (hot sometimes ) working on us, drying us up. Fear not.

Mettacittena, friend