Dear forum members!
i have a big hindrance and i try clean it. it makes my mediations harder. but to clean it is very hard. i don't know what i actually do.....
i was interested in sado masochism for some years. after some years i ended it. i decided i want continue it never.
i know that is a very negative site. i was thinking and meditated many times about SM is very negative and if i would continue it i would makes more bad karmas. i don't want turn to SM. i turn to Buddha's site. i turn to Dhamma's site. i was thinking many times. and i focused on METTA many times.
this way was very strong.... i had a lot of bad feelings and i had some strange and stupid dreams. my emotions was wild. and i abrupt cried while i meditated. i was depressed.
a lot of memory about my SM experiences appeared in my mind while i meditated. i often couldn't meditated in those weeks. i was thinking about to try an other way.
now i try it... when a thought about SM appears in my mind i think it: this thought is full of desire, full of ignorance and full of anger.
and i see the thought's end.
if i don't heal my heart and mind i would want make SM experiences.... i need heal my mind. i don't like these negative desires. these desires are big hindrances. this hindrance makes my mediation harder.
but in this way i sometimes have thoughts about sado-masochism. when i meditate or dreaming i have such thoughts and desires. and this way also isn't easy. i cried again when i mediated today and i felt bad feelings and emotions. i don't know why it is such hard!!
my first way i was thinking about SM is very negative and bad... it makes bad karmas. i don't want turn to SM. i turn to Buddha's site. i turn to Dhamma's site. metta.
that was harder than my second way what i try in the present:
when a thought about SM appears in my mind i think it: this thought is full of desire, full of ignorance and full of anger.
and i see the thought's end. and i see the thought's end.
maybe this way is easier but i think it is slower. both way are hard. the wild emotions often kill my meditations.
this way will kill me and it will be a long way.....