I have been hesitant to write about this meditation experience because I am not sure I can put it into words sufficient enough to explain it. It was frightening enough to keep me from my sitting mediation practice which is unfortunate because it has been so beneficial for me up till now. If anyone has any understanding of the following description please clue me in, so here goes. (I will note, the problem did not begin until after the meditation!)
I focused on my breathing and my mind began to calm itself from the everyday thoughts. I focused my attention on something I may have learned from Thich Nhat Hanh, did I exist before I was born? My mind began a process of negation from this moment back as far as I could conceive of, memories of this life, back to the womb, back to the egg and sperm before they united, back back back to what was once a flaming rock hurling through space that we now call earth. I realized once again, the interconnectedness of all things in time and space. That everything is in constant motion, dependant and empty. Maybe we could call it a deep seeing.
My mind returned to the breath until my mind was quiet and there was only breath and body. The body fell away and eventually the breath fell away also. I remained like this for some time and then decided my session would come to and end. I felt myself return, the feelings and sensations of the body all returned. Then I opened my eyes.
This is where the problem began! As I sat in my very familiar den, it was also very unrecognizable. Although everything was still it was as if it was moving. It was as if I could literally see the impermanence. It scared the heck out me which I assume made it even worse? I could not shake it and I eventually went into a sort of panic mode, full of anxiety. I tried to keep my attention on the fear waiting for it to go but it would not go. I’m not sure how else to explain it but it was as if my mind had dislodged itself and now everything looked different???
Eventually I turned on the TV to use the method of distraction (mindless distraction) and that worked. Everything was fine after that and has been fine. But what the heck was that all about?
Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated!