Fourth month of daily sitting is over. A month of great growth, as illustrated by the facts that:
- I did not miss a single sitting. Sure most morning sittings were done in late afternoon and most evening sittings late at night, but I did not skip a single sitting.
- I do not have to fight myself to do the daily sitting anymore. For sure there is still some intial hesitation and tendency to procastinate, but it is readily overcome compared to how hard it was in the first two months.
- The desire to abandon a sitting has decreased dramatically. It only arises in the first five minutes (initial anxiety) or the last ten minutes (physical discomfort, anxiety). The rest of the sitting goes very smooth.
- I do not wonder about the time as much as I used to earlier. In the first couple months I used to think frequenty "another 5 minutes gone" and so on every 3-5 minutes. This month I only think "How long has it been" three or four times in the entire sitting.
- Physical discomfort -specifically pain in the legs and lower back- has reduced significantly. A distinct improvement from the situation 4 weeks ago, and a huge improvement from the pain I faced in the second month. Towards the end of this month I found sitting for 50 minutes more comfortable than sitting for 30 minutes during the second month. Amazing.
- Legs falling asleep has always been a big issue for me, and this nearly ruined my fifth ten-day course back in 2005. While my legs still fall asleep during sittings, now they wake up quicker. During first couple months it would take almost 120-150 seconds for them to come back to life, now it takes just 60-90 seconds.
- In the first three months I could not keep my back straight for more than 3-5 seconds at a time. It was very pathetic situation as moving the body even a little ruins concenteration. I would have to constantly make small adjustments to posture to straighten the back. Towards the end of this month I found I can sit very still for 15-20 seconds at a time. A huge improvement.
- I have finally started to feel some faint vibration type sensation around the upper lip/ moustache area. This is the area where I try to find the touch of breath. While the sensation is not strong or persistent enough to abandon the breath as primary object of meditation (that might take years at the rate I am progressing), this is progress compared to the first three month when I felt nothing.
The combined effect of all these changes is that the daily sittings have gone in four months from "
Ye-gods-time-for-another-torture-session" to "
I-think-I-can-do-this" to "
Hey-this-is-not-difficult-after-all".
About the only negative I can bring up is that the mindfulness and concenteration is not increasing as much as I expected. I seem to have reached a plateau and progress in that area is glacial. The mind still goes on absurdly long daydreaming / fictional world building trips. I still lose all awareness of breath and its touch in many sessions, and have to strive hard to just remain focused on incoming and outgoing breath. But since the sittings are becoming easier, there is no reason to despair or any excuse to be lazy. I just need to keep striving diligently and let Dhamma take care of the rest.
This month I resolve to practice
Anapanasati meditation every morning and evening for at least 55 minutes. The goal this month is to strive harder than before and try develop persistent awareness of the incoming and outgoing breath.
20131215
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20131216
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20131217
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20131218
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20131219
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20131220
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20131221
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20131222
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20131223
<Failure, 40 minute Morning sitting>
Evening sitting.
20131224
Morning sitting.
<Failure, 50 minute Evening sitting>
20131225
Morning sitting.
<Failure, 40 minute Evening sitting>
20131226
<Failure, 45 minute Morning sitting>
<Failure, 45 minute Evening sitting>
20131227
Morning sitting.
<Failure, 50 minute Evening sitting>
20131228
<Failure, 50 minute Morning sitting>
<Failure, 50 minute Evening sitting>
Due to certain changes (details in monthly report card) sitting for 55 minutes is no longer possible. It will take some time to ripen to sit for that long, and this past week I have been spending far too much time waiting for alarm to sound rather than focusing on respiration. Therefore to improve the
quality of meditation, from today (29 Dec 2013) till 14 Jan 2014, I will deload and meditate twice daily for 50 minutes.
20131229
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20131230
"Morning" sitting.
<Failure, 45 minute Evening sitting>
20131231
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20140101
<Failure, 30 minute Morning sitting>
<Failure, 40 minute Evening sitting>
20140102
Morning sitting.
<Failure, 35 minute Evening sitting>
Sitting for 50 minutes is also not possible, and these constant failure to sit for resolved time have been weakening motivation to medtiate. Time to swallow the ego and begin at bottom: from today till 14 Jan 2014, I will meditate twice daily for 40 minutes each.
20140103
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20140104
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20140105
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20140106
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20140107
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20140108
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20140109
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20140110
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20140111
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20140112
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20140113
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.
20140114
Morning sitting.
<Failure>