I'm quite disillusioned.
I take ant depressants, I take 50mg a night which is the lowest prescribed dosage you can take. But here's my problem.
When I was taking 50mg, everything was going good, my meditational practices were of a good quality, and I found myself aware of being a lot more relaxed in situations away from the cushion. As well as on the cushion.
So I decided to drop myself down from 50mg to 25mg. Even though I said 50mg is the lowest recognised proscribed dose
all this means is that I was taking 2x25mg capsules. When I decided to take 1x25mg capsule (against doctor's orders), the doctor in his own words told me that the 1x25mg capsule was doing 'nothing' for me. It's was just too weak a dose and wasn't effective at all.
Anyway, on 1x25mg tablet I found my meditational practice jittery, tense, and impossible, and found myself quite stressed away from the cushion.
So now I'm back on 50mg and I'm thinking why bother meditating? What's the point? If I'm relaxed here or there it's only the anti depressants not the meditation doing it. This isn't a 'happy' feeling about why bother. I don't mean
'Hey no need to meditate - I've relaxed anayway
It's more a case of
'Why bother, I'm only relaxed because of the anti depressants anyway'
In short, I'm worrying that I won't feel any progress (or more importantly I won't make
any real progress) because any relaxation I'd expereince would be down to the anti-depressants not the meditation.
Important note here, very important
; the anti depressants do not
in any way 'fog' my mind. I'm as clear as the next person, my clarity of thinking is one of sharpness. These anti-depressants do not make you feel sleepy in the day, or drowsy, they just relax your nerves and calm you down.
I can't really stop taking them on doctor's orders, so my question is, is it still possible for me to attain nibbana?