Dhamma Wheel Buddhist Forum

There is anger so this post is unlikely to contain skillful words.
My husband disrespects me, he lies to me about illegal drugs and expects me to pick up the pieces and forgive him. Apart from the drug issue that comes up every 1-2 months we have a really good loving relationship.

This morning I have no compassion, I'm sick of being compassionate I feel it allows him to walk all over me. I'm so angry.

What's a skillful way to deal with this? I'm failing to see how right speech is getting me anywhere in this situation apart from making me into a doormat he can walk all over.

Greetings Sadge,

Being a Buddhist or compassionate doesn't mean one must be a door mat. We need to protect ourselves from the acts of others, even the one's with whom we have loving relationships.
It sounds like your relationship is facing some serious issues. I think it would be good for you to have a frank and fearless discussion with your husband and, if necessary, let him know in no uncertain terms that some behaviours will no longer be tolerated. But then if you issue an ultimatum, you must be prepared to follow through.
kind regards,
Ben

I agree with Ben.

He may need professional help to quit drug use, but he has to want to. External pressure alone rarely works, but it can help if he also realizes that he needs to quit.

Thank you, it's good not to feel alone. You are right a frank discussion with an ultimatum is the best way to deal with it rather than angry screaming. Your also right if I issue an ultimatum I need to follow through with it. Better make sure the ultimatum is sensible.
Just hope I can be strong. Crying in hopelessness does not help.

If I had another life I would be a nun. I really would.

Sadge, so many good posts and good advice above that I hesitated to add something.

Here's what Ven. Thanissaro has to say about right speech:

Right speech, explained in negative terms, means avoiding four types of harmful speech: lies (words spoken with the intent of misrepresenting the truth); divisive speech (spoken with the intent of creating rifts between people); harsh speech (spoken with the intent of hurting another person's feelings); and idle chatter (spoken with no purposeful intent at all).

So, if we take this teaching to heart, we need not connote Right Speech with being a doormat. It sounds as though you and your husband love each other. He needs to be in a clinical setting, such as a serious rehab environment, in order that he be weaned off of whatever drugs he is abusing. He can't truly be a good husband, support system and and companion to you if he is choosing to abuse drugs when his marriage is at risk. The UK has many good clinical resources. He needs to be told, with skillful speech, that he needs to enter rehab or you will need to consider changing your relationship. That doesn't mean you won't still love him and be a friend to him, but he needs to decide whether drugs or his family matter more to him. Until his brain is clear of the intoxicants through rehab, that's a decision he won't be able to make on his own.

Hi Sadge,

one other thing that might be worth considering, is for the two of you to sit down with a professional relationships counsellor (I recommend getting a down-to-earth, non-religious one). Then, with a third party present, you can discuss any issues you have, and your husband can discuss any issues he has. They are supposed to be impartial, but if he is worried you could even offer it be a male counsellor, or even a male and a female, to really provide some balance. (So he doesn't feel like it's just two women (yourself and the therapist) ganging up on him. )

My (now ex) and I had some of this kind of counselling as we were already breaking up (and due to various serious events, it was sadly irrevocable, by that stage, that we would break up). But I can recall after that session thinking, "if only we had tried this earlier on, things could have been different, and we might have been able to resolve certain issues, and stay together".

It went well, we had a frank discussion, he threw away all the drugs. We will see how things go.

Hope it all goes well for you, Sadge.

Sadge wrote:It went well, we had a frank discussion, he threw away all the drugs. We will see how things go.

I'm glad to hear it.
I wish you both well.
kind regards,

Ben

Usually a habit like this is not so easy to abandon. If I were in your shoes, I'd encourage him to go to NA or get some other form of support.

Sadge, I am a recovering addict, both of Oxycontin and speed, both of which were taken IV. Dhamma has helped me to conquer this addiction. I would entirely recommend you get your Husband into some sort of Buddhist psychotherapy setup, get him practising meditation also. Ultimately however the change must come from him, he needs to want to change - That's the first step, without it nothing can be accomplished.

Make him see that you are more important than his drugs. I think if you cannot make progress with him in this way then an ultimatum might be what's necessary.

If you wish to discuss this with me further feel free to do so via pm, there are certain elements of my past that I would not feel comfortable discussing here in public, but would happily talk to you with in private. I feel given my past I might be able to help council you through this and with any luck allow you to get an insight into the way a person on drugs thinks. Having him throw away the drugs may not be the end of it.

with metta
Jack

BlackBird wrote:Having him throw away the drugs may not be the end of it.

with metta
Jack

Hi Sadge,

I agree, and unpleasant as the task may be, if there is a repeat of this issue - and you said earlier, this has all happened before already - you might need to go that extra step, and insist on something being done to root out the underlying problem. It is indeed easy to throw away some drugs. It is much, much harder (for an addicted person, I mean) to stay off them long-term, however.

metta