he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Buddhist ethical conduct including the Five Precepts (Pañcasikkhāpada), and Eightfold Ethical Conduct (Aṭṭhasīla).
lotus flower
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he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by lotus flower »

hello... i like a man very much but he has a wife. We talking sometimes like friends but at the last talking it happened: i just started look into his eyes deeply. he started the same. he looked into my eyes deeply and his eyes was so calm. he said nothing. so we made a short eye contact. I don't know was it a serious bad action?...
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Shaswata_Panja
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by Shaswata_Panja »

I am not a woman, so I cannot say what feelings a woman gets when staring deeply into a man's eyes..But men unconsciously stare at women with lustful or romantic feelings...They donot even make a intention but it just happens within a second of looking at a pretty lady...These feelings get heightened if the man is restraining his generative fluid for sometime...Only through constant mindfulness have I realized as to how lustful a man I am and how mammoth the task of sexual transcendence is...Intense self-questioning tend always produce a right answer....So question yourself constantly about your motives, intentions and feelings towards him
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Pondera
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by Pondera »

Yeah. For him. For you ... Try not to encourage that type of thing with this type of guy. He should know better.

You could feel this attraction with many such men - some who are not married. If he insists on this type of behavior, then he is interested - ultimately - in commiting a very serious injury to his wife through unfaithfulness. Then you would be at the centre of their troubles.

You could draw a line with him to discourage that behavior.

That's what I would do.my 2 ¢
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lotus flower
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by lotus flower »

You are true, it is dangerous. thank you for the advices.
We found the teaching of the Buddha. Be grateful for it... We can meditate... Be grateful for it... We know that this universe is the samsara. Be grateful for it... We have THE CHANCE TO ATTAIN NIBBANA. Be grateful for it... :buddha1: :buddha2:
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Bhikkhu Pesala
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by Bhikkhu Pesala »

Covetousness (abhijjhā) is one of the ten unwholesome kammas. It unwholesome kamma on the mental level, but it is strong enough to lead to hell as it is included in the dasākusala kammapathā.

For monks, staring at women eye-to-eye (lustfully) is one of the seven defilements of chastity. It requires exceptional sense-faculty restraint to avoid all eye-contact, but you will find that some well-trained forest monks behave in this way — avoiding all eye-contact with women even if it is not lustful.

You could alwasy wear a niqab :stirthepot: but would that stop you from gazing into the eyes of men?

Such methods don't actually work. Restraint has to start at the mental level, which is only possible if one practises Satipatthāna meditation.

If the eye-contact is just friendly, it is wholesome, not unwholesome, but lust is the near enemy of loving-kindness. One has to guard the mind-door carefully, even more so than the eye-door.
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lotus flower
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by lotus flower »

Bhikkhu Pesala wrote:Covetousness (abhijjhā) is one of the ten unwholesome kammas. It unwholesome kamma on the mental level, but it is strong enough to lead to hell as it is included in the dasākusala kammapathā.

For monks, staring at women eye-to-eye (lustfully) is one of the seven defilements of chastity. It requires exceptional sense-faculty restraint to avoid all eye-contact, but you will find that some well-trained forest monks behave in this way — avoiding all eye-contact with women even if it is not lustful.

You could alwasy wear a niqab :stirthepot: but would that stop you from gazing into the eyes of men?

Such methods don't actually work. Restraint has to start at the mental level, which is only possible if one practises Satipatthāna meditation.

If the eye-contact is just friendly, it is wholesome, not unwholesome, but lust is the near enemy of loving-kindness. One has to guard the mind-door carefully, even more so than the eye-door.
i understand. But he is my boss, i can not avoid from him. he comes to this place everyday. i easily see him even if i wouldn't want to see. I can do that i don't look deep into his eyes again and don't make long eye contact. but what if i only talking with him like friends? Of course while talking with him like friends i know, i feel that i like him as a man and i can not change it. But we just talking. Is it a sin? Why?
And if i look him sometimes for some seconds when he is around and i try that he DOESN'T see it then is it sin?
We found the teaching of the Buddha. Be grateful for it... We can meditate... Be grateful for it... We know that this universe is the samsara. Be grateful for it... We have THE CHANCE TO ATTAIN NIBBANA. Be grateful for it... :buddha1: :buddha2:
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Ben
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by Ben »

lotus flower wrote:
Bhikkhu Pesala wrote:Covetousness (abhijjhā) is one of the ten unwholesome kammas. It unwholesome kamma on the mental level, but it is strong enough to lead to hell as it is included in the dasākusala kammapathā.

For monks, staring at women eye-to-eye (lustfully) is one of the seven defilements of chastity. It requires exceptional sense-faculty restraint to avoid all eye-contact, but you will find that some well-trained forest monks behave in this way — avoiding all eye-contact with women even if it is not lustful.

You could alwasy wear a niqab :stirthepot: but would that stop you from gazing into the eyes of men?

Such methods don't actually work. Restraint has to start at the mental level, which is only possible if one practises Satipatthāna meditation.

If the eye-contact is just friendly, it is wholesome, not unwholesome, but lust is the near enemy of loving-kindness. One has to guard the mind-door carefully, even more so than the eye-door.
i understand. But he is my boss, i can not avoid from him. he comes to this place everyday. i easily see him even if i wouldn't want to see. I can do that i don't look deep into his eyes again and don't make long eye contact. but what if i only talking with him like friends? Of course while talking with him like friends i know, i feel that i like him as a man and i can not change it. But we just talking. Is it a sin? Why?
And if i look him sometimes for some seconds when he is around and i try that he DOESN'T see it then is it sin?
I think you know the,difference between appropriate and inappropriate behaviour. If as you say, the man is married and is in a position of authority over you, then I hope you are aware of the possible repercussions of any escalation of your flirtations.
Wishing you all the best,
Ben
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

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lotus flower
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by lotus flower »

Ben wrote: i understand. But he is my boss, i can not avoid from him. he comes to this place everyday. i easily see him even if i wouldn't want to see. I can do that i don't look deep into his eyes again and don't make long eye contact. but what if i only talking with him like friends? Of course while talking with him like friends i know, i feel that i like him as a man and i can not change it. But we just talking. Is it a sin? Why?
And if i look him sometimes for some seconds when he is around and i try that he DOESN'T see it then is it sin?

I think you know the,difference between appropriate and inappropriate behaviour. If as you say, the man is married and is in a position of authority over you, then I hope you are aware of the possible repercussions of any escalation of your flirtations.
Wishing you all the best,
Ben
Dear Ben. if he would kick out from my job then it is his decide be happy with it. But he asked me how i am so he doesn't seems like bad person.

Adultery is not :
-talking like friends
-look him on secret way that he doesn't know it

Adultery is:
-doing sex , kissing, et cetera.

Then why a simple friendship with him would be wrong?
We found the teaching of the Buddha. Be grateful for it... We can meditate... Be grateful for it... We know that this universe is the samsara. Be grateful for it... We have THE CHANCE TO ATTAIN NIBBANA. Be grateful for it... :buddha1: :buddha2:
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Ben
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by Ben »

It is not simple friendship, lotus flower.
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

e: [email protected]..
lotus flower
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by lotus flower »

Ben wrote:It is not simple friendship, lotus flower.
tell me where is the adultery in this, Please. and tell me why do you find it adultery, please. A few talking sometimes without long eye contact is adultery? i can guard my eyes, if i want. i can do that i don't look into his eyes deeply. if i want i can do.

Flirt talking is one thing, friendly talking is another thing. there is a line between flirt talking and friendly talking.
We found the teaching of the Buddha. Be grateful for it... We can meditate... Be grateful for it... We know that this universe is the samsara. Be grateful for it... We have THE CHANCE TO ATTAIN NIBBANA. Be grateful for it... :buddha1: :buddha2:
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SDC
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by SDC »

Lotus flower, if you're unsure whether or not this is wrong then you must be concerned that it could be. Otherwise you would not be asking. Instead of trying to justify the innocence of your actions (because at this point they are innocent) you should consider how a continuation of this behavior could lead to the development of feelings between you both and that may end up ruining your marriage and his. Not to mention you may be risking your job.
“Life is swept along, short is the life span; no shelters exist for one who has reached old age. Seeing clearly this danger in death, a seeker of peace should drop the world’s bait.” SN 1.3
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dhammacoustic
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by dhammacoustic »

Hi lotus flower

You're saying that the man has a wife and you know this, so any intentional and conscious sexual act (mental or physical) would be unvirtuous, hence unwholesome.

:anjali:
lotus flower
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by lotus flower »

dhammacoustic wrote:Hi lotus flower

You're saying that the man has a wife and you know this, so any intentional and conscious sexual act (mental or physical) would be unvirtuous, hence unwholesome.

:anjali:
Yes i changed . I don't talk to him if it is not nessecary and i don't look him intentional. But i can not avoid from him. Whenever i see him my eyes start look him. I can not control it for some seconds. I can control only that i break the looking.
We found the teaching of the Buddha. Be grateful for it... We can meditate... Be grateful for it... We know that this universe is the samsara. Be grateful for it... We have THE CHANCE TO ATTAIN NIBBANA. Be grateful for it... :buddha1: :buddha2:
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Aloka
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by Aloka »

Hi lotus flower,

I'm a woman, and I think you need to make up your mind very firmly that this man is off limits as far as a relationship is concerned. He's your boss & he's a married man, let it stay like that. Dont get into eye/mind/fantasy games.

Go out socially with a female friend, or join a social club, or a fitness centre, or go to classes to learn a new skill - and make some effort to meet single men if your looking for a boyfriend.

Kind regards,

Aloka
lotus flower
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Re: he has a wife but we do eye contact is it a serious bad action?

Post by lotus flower »

Aloka wrote:Hi lotus flower,

I'm a woman, and I think you need to make up your mind very firmly that this man is off limits as far as a relationship is concerned. He's your boss & he's a married man, let it stay like that. Dont get into eye/mind/fantasy games.

Go out socially with a female friend, or join a social club, or a fitness centre, or go to classes to learn a new skill - and make some effort to meet single men if your looking for a boyfriend.

Kind regards,

Aloka
Aloka thanks but haha Even if i have boyfriend i look another man if i see a man who is nice to me.
We all can not control the eyes. What we can control is break the looking as soon as possible.
We found the teaching of the Buddha. Be grateful for it... We can meditate... Be grateful for it... We know that this universe is the samsara. Be grateful for it... We have THE CHANCE TO ATTAIN NIBBANA. Be grateful for it... :buddha1: :buddha2:
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