Sexual Misconduct

[Tehuti]

I know this may be slightly off-topic, but I would like to raise the following question:

What would be the advice for those tormented by thoughts of unrequited love?

For those who live life on the outside, and see the relationships of others and experience longing - maybe even suffering?

There must be an antidote to these pangs - a way of transcending - but this sort of thing can be so deep set, it becomes difficult to see a way out.

Thank you.

[BubbaBuddhist]

Been there. The only cure I know of is requited love. There's more, lots more than one person out there for everyone.

BB

[Dan74]

I know this may be slightly off-topic, but I would like to raise the following question:

What would be the advice for those tormented by thoughts of unrequited love?

For those who live life on the outside, and see the relationships of others and experience longing - maybe even suffering?

There must be an antidote to these pangs - a way of transcending - but this sort of thing can be so deep set, it becomes difficult to see a way out.

Thank you.

The only people who promptly roll out ready made solutions for these problems (like for your existential crisis) are the ones who haven't been there, I reckon.

The only way I know is to stay with it, neither running away nor wallowing. In time things change.

[convivium]

i want to direct this message at younger people, like me, who are single, already dedicated to the dhamma, have done several retreats, and attempted to keep the precepts for some years. granted this, i want to say this as unassumingly as possible: all the greatest masters were celibate or abstained from orgasm. if you didn't know that, then look into it. there's a reason the buddha said it's better to put your penis in a snake rather than a women to ananda. in some contexts, in some traditions (nyingma, e.g.) your own hand can be worse than having sex with an actual person. no, it's not painless to be celibate.
there came a point in my practice where i realized that either i stop masturbating or i don't progress. when you take away forms of escape, especially those outlined in the precepts, you have to face yourself more directly. that means a lot of pain, because life is suffering.
i found the following analogy to be very helpful: it's like being trapped in a flood, by your leg and the water is rising. would you let it drown you, or have someone saw your leg off right away? really the orgasm is so deeply imbedded in the psyche (not to generalize, but even the buddha said that lust is the hardest kilesa to overcome) that it is the psychological equivalent of having one's leg cut off. before you take oath's of chastity (if you were to), keep this in mind.

[SittingSilent]

I may have what might be a unique problem related to attempting celibacy and not involving myself in self-pleasurement (to use a more discrete term). I am a FTM transperson, so because my body does not naturally produce testosterone I must inject it on a weekly basis to maintain bone density, proper blood cells, etc along with the expect reasons of male presentation, etc. Unfortunately a major side effect of testosterone hormone therapy is a huge increase in libido. I can easily restrain myself from directing this towards other people, but as for not releasing it at all, now that has become a problem. Does anyone have a suggestion for how to deal with my libido while not engaging in behaviors that are undesirable. I would love to be able to follow the five precepts!

[Cittasanto]

I may have what might be a unique problem related to attempting celibacy and not involving myself in self-pleasurement (to use a more discrete term). I am a FTM transperson, so because my body does not naturally produce testosterone I must inject it on a weekly basis to maintain bone density, proper blood cells, etc along with the expect reasons of male presentation, etc. Unfortunately a major side effect of testosterone hormone therapy is a huge increase in libido. I can easily restrain myself from directing this towards other people, but as for not releasing it at all, now that has become a problem. Does anyone have a suggestion for how to deal with my libido while not engaging in behaviors that are undesirable. I would love to be able to follow the five precepts!

Hi SittingSilent.
I would highly recommend you find a respectable teacher you can have regular contact with close by your area for specific guidance as there maybe neuances a close relationship with a teacher is better equiped to advise you on particularly being a transperson. although I think I remember another member is a transperson also?
I am probably over-reacting but contemplations such as the corpse and 32 parts of the body may have stronger adverse effects in your situation than someone who hasn't been through that sort of transition.
I really am trying not to be rude there but you aren't really breaking the five precepts, in my book, with masturbation as celibacy is not the precept here. however there are plenty of threads on this you could look at and a practice of not engaging in fantasies does help.

[Cittasanto]

and although today seams to be a day of coincidences just came accross this video in the sujjestions

[mysticmorn]

Sexual misconduct traditionally also meant no sex between a Dharma teacher and the students. This was because in the old days, the students took temporary vows of celibacy while under the guidance of a teacher. Though times have changed, this seems like a very good rule to follow. Since the students tend to put a tremendous amount of trust in the teachers, there is a clear power differential between students and teachers. Care needs to be taken that the students' faith and sacred trust in the teacher not be violated.