Lack of Free Will and Anatta

[sentientbeing]

I have been experiencing Depersonalization Disorder for the last 3 years along with other psychological conditions such as Anhedonia, Depression...
The most disturbing of these symptoms is the experience of behaving against my will. My thoughts, feelings, actions work in a completely deterministic fashion that I have no control over.
I also experience Anatta and I have difficulty setting long-term goals and accomplishing them because I lack the emotional substrate.

Is there a way to "un-enlighten"? I would prefer to live in the state of ordinary consciousness with attachments and suffering.

[James the Giant]

Have you seen a doctor/psychologist about all this? And are you getting ongoing treatment? It sounds like you have, since you know your diagnosis.

[sentientbeing]

Yes, the diagnosis oscillates between Schizo-affective Disorder and Bipolar II Disorder. After trying different medications, the Bipolar mood stabilizers have been the most effective.

[James the Giant]

Sweet, just wanted to make sure. Some people ask similar questions here but have not seen a doctor first.

[sentientbeing]

Thanks for asking!

The emptiness of mind is very apparent in this state, its almost as if my mind has expanded infinitely and phenomenon come into being and cease on their own, similar to the physical laws that govern space-time.

[Cittasanto]

I have been experiencing Depersonalization Disorder for the last 3 years along with other psychological conditions such as Anhedonia, Depression...
The most disturbing of these symptoms is the experience of behaving against my will. My thoughts, feelings, actions work in a completely deterministic fashion that I have no control over.
I also experience Anatta and I have difficulty setting long-term goals and accomplishing them because I lack the emotional substrate.

Is there a way to "un-enlighten"? I would prefer to live in the state of ordinary consciousness with attachments and suffering.

Hi Sentient,
I think your question is not to the right group of people, mainly because what you are experiencing isn't part of the practice per se, rather a medical condition.
Try talking to your doctor about referrals to psychotherapists or other professional experienced in dealing with this area they may send you to a MBSR type therapist or another better suited to the specific help you require.

Hope you find what you are looking for.