Zenainder wrote:It is interesting you stated thinking you were at the end of your searching and having moved on.
Hi again - Here's the whole "mess"
One year ago and before buddhism came to me, I was ridden by what I will call a "demon", and what buddhism describe as a "hungry ghost" - in short it was a "travelmate" that had been following me for most of my life (I'm 52 now), and it grew so strong that it took over most of my time and energy to keep in a "secure closet inside of me", until it wasn't possible to contain him anymore. It came to a point where the sufferings was unbearable, and the worst of sufferings was to watch my loved ones, and how "tortured" they were - So I told myself on that memorable day; this has got to stop now!!!
The first few days was like living inside/under a wet and heavy blanket, reminding me of a kind of prozak-mindlessness
- and when that fog lifted i made myself a promise to slow down the drinking - at least only drink in the weekends, and be more normal. But then a whole week went by and the weekend to, without drinking at all, and i was quite happy about this progress. Another week, and the same happened - and I started to wonder about where have all the cravings gone?
And when I pondered on this missing craving, I became aware that it wasnt the only craving that had vanished. All my cravings were completly "missing", and I started to wonder about if I was going completly mad (absolutly no ambitions, and very happy ...?). I felt like I had several heavy stones that I had been carrying around for so long, had been lifted off my shoulders, and the floting feeling was enormously satisfying. I didnt tell my wife or anybody about this, but after a while my wife began to behave quite strange. She tested me again and again on some of my usual triggerpoints, and where it was certain that a small explosion would result (sexdenial, foul/loud speaking, aggression and so on)
And all the time I just watched this in silence - didnt get angry (but slightly amused), but saw her very clearly and what she was trying to provoke, and just gave her a lot of metta. This went on for about 2 months, and then I told her that something "funny" had happened with me, and that it wasnt possible for her or myself to find the usual "monster" anymore. Funny thing also - I'v been used to visualising myself and my future/past - and that has been pictures of many colors and rocky mountains and shores) But now it was totally "blank" or "just white sheets". That made me a little uneasy at first, but later I come to think that it is the "picture of emtiness". Now, when I try the same visualising, the picture is mostly "nothing"
This state of calmness and total balance
gave me the ability to see people "for what they were" according to what I read in the dhamma, and be in the moment fully consentrated without even trying or thinking about it. It was like I'v reached a "athmosphere" that was different from what I ever had experienced before, and my childhood-belifs told me; You have been heard, and been saved ...
So I thanked my God and began wondering about seeking out fellowchristians, but something held me back. I thought that maybe it has nothing to do with God, and if i get sucked into some religious communities, I might loose what was gained, or just be fooling myself, and never find out what it really was
So I went for the "gutfeeling" - picked up the first book that "came to me", and it was a small pocketsized book containing zen-koans and poetry. And there i picked up a few simple advices for how to find out for myself by myself. I became completly still (both in mind and body) - didnt start anything that i couldnt se the end of, and waited for information to come to me, and not "hunt for it". And this worked just fine (but I had to tell myself several times to BE STILL, wait wait ....) Not only new information came easy to me, but also individuals witch I have had a rather difficult life with, got solved without me doing anything other than beeing there and let metta do its duty