Joke!!!

[Kim O'Hara]

[cooran]

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

[Reductor]

...
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

There's a good boy.

[cooran]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

[cooran]

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[cooran]

Job Interview Question

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

[cooran]

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his
lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[cooran]

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

==================================================

[Kim O'Hara]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. 

Here are the winners: 
 
 
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the  subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.


 
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 
 
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you  realize it was your money to start with.
 
 
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a  hillbilly.
 
 
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 



6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about  yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 
 
 
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high 
 
 
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
 
 
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
 
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
 
 
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these  really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 
 
 
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
 
 
13. Glibido : All talk and no action. 
 
 
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 
 
 
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
 
 
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 
 
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
 


The  Washington  Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 
 And the winners are:

 
1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs. 
 
 
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 
 
 
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
 
4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
 
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 
 
 
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 
 
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
 
 
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
 
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has  been run over by a steamroller.
 
 
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
 
 
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam. 
 
 
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 
 
 
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.


14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 
 
  
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 
  
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
 


They took quite a while to reach me via the traditional forwarded-email chain.
It turns out that there is no such thing as the "Washington Post Mensa invitational" but there are still lots more where these came from: http://webslung.posterous.com/the-washington-posts-mensa-invitational

Kim

[cooran]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Fede]

Cooran, you haveta stop now...I'm not sure how much more my sides can take..... - and I'm running out of clean underwear!

(TMI.....???? )

[PeterB]

Peter's Annual Christmas joke ( slightly late this year ).

Every year a certain hotel holds a Yuletide Chess Tournament
This year a guest who had nothing to do with the chess contest was checking in.
All around the reception area there were people argueing in loud voices.
"I could take you any time" yelled one. "I beat you three times in a row last year" said another.
The new arrival looked worried ." Whats going on" he asked the receptionist.." dont worry " was the reply.
" Its just chess nuts boasting in an open foyer "

[Kare]

Peter's Annual Christmas joke ( slightly late this year ).

Every year a certain hotel holds a Yuletide Chess Tournament
This year a guest who had nothing to do with the chess contest was checking in.
All around the reception area there were people argueing in loud voices.
"I could take you any time" yelled one. "I beat you three times in a row last year" said another.
The new arrival looked worried ." Whats going on" he asked the receptionist.." dont worry " was the reply.
" Its just chess nuts boasting in an open foyer "

That one is even worse than the harpist who got real drunk after a gig and forgot his harp in a disco. The next morning he exclaimed: "I lost my harp in Sam Fran's Disco!"

[cooran]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[PeterB]

Peter's Annual Christmas joke ( slightly late this year ).

Every year a certain hotel holds a Yuletide Chess Tournament
This year a guest who had nothing to do with the chess contest was checking in.
All around the reception area there were people argueing in loud voices.
"I could take you any time" yelled one. "I beat you three times in a row last year" said another.
The new arrival looked worried ." Whats going on" he asked the receptionist.." dont worry " was the reply.
" Its just chess nuts boasting in an open foyer "

That one is even worse than the harpist who got real drunk after a gig and forgot his harp in a disco. The next morning he exclaimed: "I lost my harp in Sam Fran's Disco!"

As genkaku said on a previous airing of my Christmas Joke " Its so terrible its good "...

[octathlon]

Roy Rogers got a fancy new pair of cowboy boots. The next day, they were wet so his wife Dale Evans told him to leave them on the back porch. Later he looked out the window and saw a mountain lion grab them and run off. He grabbed his hunting rifle and he and Dale ran out after the lion. In the woods they found his boots, chewed up to shreds. Dale tapped him on the shoulder, pointed at a mountain lion up in a nearby tree and said,

"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

[Kare]

Just wondering:

In Norwegian there are lots of one-liner jokes in the style of: "Why cannot I knock when John Knox?"

Are these known in English?

[cooran]

Maybe this style, Kare?

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

[Kare]

Maybe this style, Kare?

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Not quite. The Norwegian ones in this category all are questions, and they all start with "Why cannot I ... when ...". They are all very language specific, so they just don't translate well. Some of them are real absurd. The one about Knox was rather lame, but it was the only one I could invent in English. Oh yes - another one just popped up: "Why can't I quit, when biscuits?"

[Kim O'Hara]

Not quite. The Norwegian ones in this category all are questions, and they all start with "Why cannot I ... when ...". They are all very language specific, so they just don't translate well. Some of them are real absurd. The one about Knox was rather lame, but it was the only one I could invent in English. Oh yes - another one just popped up: "Why can't I quit, when biscuits?"

Hi, Kare,
Thanks for the clarification, but I don't know any English joke-form like this.
We do have lots of standard forms, though - 'Knock, knock' jokes, for instance.
The one that comes closest to yours may be the title/author ones - Clifftop Tragedy by Eileen Dover, The Broken Window by Eva Brick, etc.

Kim