Joke!!!

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Fede
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Fede »

Cooran, you haveta stop now...I'm not sure how much more my sides can take..... - and I'm running out of clean underwear!

(TMI.....???? :jawdrop: :tongue: )
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


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PeterB
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by PeterB »

Peter's Annual Christmas joke ( slightly late this year ).

Every year a certain hotel holds a Yuletide Chess Tournament
This year a guest who had nothing to do with the chess contest was checking in.
All around the reception area there were people argueing in loud voices.
"I could take you any time" yelled one. "I beat you three times in a row last year" said another.
The new arrival looked worried ." Whats going on" he asked the receptionist.." dont worry " was the reply.
" Its just chess nuts boasting in an open foyer "
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Kare
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kare »

PeterB wrote:Peter's Annual Christmas joke ( slightly late this year ).

Every year a certain hotel holds a Yuletide Chess Tournament
This year a guest who had nothing to do with the chess contest was checking in.
All around the reception area there were people argueing in loud voices.
"I could take you any time" yelled one. "I beat you three times in a row last year" said another.
The new arrival looked worried ." Whats going on" he asked the receptionist.." dont worry " was the reply.
" Its just chess nuts boasting in an open foyer "
That one is even worse than the harpist who got real drunk after a gig and forgot his harp in a disco. The next morning he exclaimed: "I lost my harp in Sam Fran's Disco!"
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
PeterB
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by PeterB »

Kare wrote:
PeterB wrote:Peter's Annual Christmas joke ( slightly late this year ).

Every year a certain hotel holds a Yuletide Chess Tournament
This year a guest who had nothing to do with the chess contest was checking in.
All around the reception area there were people argueing in loud voices.
"I could take you any time" yelled one. "I beat you three times in a row last year" said another.
The new arrival looked worried ." Whats going on" he asked the receptionist.." dont worry " was the reply.
" Its just chess nuts boasting in an open foyer "
That one is even worse than the harpist who got real drunk after a gig and forgot his harp in a disco. The next morning he exclaimed: "I lost my harp in Sam Fran's Disco!"
As genkaku said on a previous airing of my Christmas Joke " Its so terrible its good "...
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octathlon
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by octathlon »

Roy Rogers got a fancy new pair of cowboy boots. The next day, they were wet so his wife Dale Evans told him to leave them on the back porch. Later he looked out the window and saw a mountain lion grab them and run off. He grabbed his hunting rifle and he and Dale ran out after the lion. In the woods they found his boots, chewed up to shreds. Dale tapped him on the shoulder, pointed at a mountain lion up in a nearby tree and said,

"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"



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Kare
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kare »

Just wondering:

In Norwegian there are lots of one-liner jokes in the style of: "Why cannot I knock when John Knox?"

Are these known in English?
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Maybe this style, Kare?

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Kare
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kare »

cooran wrote:Maybe this style, Kare?

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Not quite. The Norwegian ones in this category all are questions, and they all start with "Why cannot I ... when ...". They are all very language specific, so they just don't translate well. Some of them are real absurd. The one about Knox was rather lame, but it was the only one I could invent in English. Oh yes - another one just popped up: "Why can't I quit, when biscuits?"
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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

Kare wrote: Not quite. The Norwegian ones in this category all are questions, and they all start with "Why cannot I ... when ...". They are all very language specific, so they just don't translate well. Some of them are real absurd. The one about Knox was rather lame, but it was the only one I could invent in English. Oh yes - another one just popped up: "Why can't I quit, when biscuits?"
Hi, Kare,
Thanks for the clarification, but I don't know any English joke-form like this.
We do have lots of standard forms, though - 'Knock, knock' jokes, for instance.
The one that comes closest to yours may be the title/author ones - Clifftop Tragedy by Eileen Dover, The Broken Window by Eva Brick, etc.
:namaste:
Kim
Esaka
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Esaka »

Maybe you enjoy these clips :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YZcFrBKKCk" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5vPDJY1xPE" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IxA56Dz ... playnext=1" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Metta,
Esaka
PeterB
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by PeterB »

During his last visit to the UK the Pope was being driven from the airport in a long sedan. As they travelled to London the Pope told his driver that he had never driven a long sedan.." Do you think I could take the wheel for a few miles ? he asked.
They changed places and The Pope sat in the drivers seat while his driver sat in the back.
After a few miles the Pope decided to see how fast the sedan would go..so he put his foot down.
Soon the sedan was followed by a traffic cop who signalled it to pull over.
The cop looked into the car and pulled out his walkie talkie.." need advice "he said."I have just stopped someone very important for speeding and I need to know how to proceed ".
"Who is it ? " Said the police Commander "is it the Prime Minister ? "
"No, more important than that "
"Is it the Queen ? "
" No, more important than that...to be honest I am not sure who it is, but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur ! "..
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.

After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away.

Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!"

So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia.
It eats shoots and leaves.”
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

Tut, tut, Cooran, how can you be so un-Australian as to present us with a bowdlerised stolen version of such a classic Aussie joke? :tongue:

He's a wombat.
His girlfriend has invited him round for dinner.
Straight after dinner, he races her off to the bedroom for a quickie.
He then gets up to go and his girlfriend asks, understandably, 'Hey, what kind of relationship do you think this is?'
He says, 'You ought to know that a wombat eats roots and leaves.'
And leaves.
:o

Kim
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

:clap:

I like yours better!

with metta
Chris
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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