Very simple question...

A discussion on all aspects of Theravāda Buddhism
User avatar
Beautiful Breath
Posts: 162
Joined: Sun May 03, 2009 10:25 am
Location: South West England, UK
Contact:

Re: Very simple question...

Post by Beautiful Breath »

...thanks again for all your replies.

Its such a confusing and painful time for me - I feel like I have been hurled into an acid trip like scenario that I have no control over - the bizarre thing is I KNOW that these feelibngs are wrong. If I intellectualise (as I said) its a ludircous thing to be hung up over. Wht on earth would I want to be with another person who had demonstrated a capacity for emotional abuse aned even violence - why would I want to have a 5 year old living in my home after spending the last 17 years bringing up my daughter... I must be going mad :jumping:

Either way, if I ask myself "...do you want this woman back in your life..."? the answer is a resounding NO!!!

So why on earth am I still feeling such a yearning for her?

What would the Abidhamma say about such contradictory feelings?

BB
User avatar
Ben
Posts: 18438
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:49 am
Location: kanamaluka

Re: Very simple question...

Post by Ben »

Nothing outside of yourself can give you everlasting happiness. Likewise nothing outside of yourself is a source of misery,
The misery you are experiencing is the misery you are manufacturing for yourself. Attachment, addiction, craving, aversion, lust - its all the same. If you weren't obsessing over this woman, there would be some other thing that would manifest which you would superimpose your dukkha upon.
I once heard someone say "love is the mother of misery", wise words indeed.
As I said earlier - just let go. Let her go, let go of the dukkha.
And if you have the time, do a residential retreat of vipassana, it will be for your benefit.
All the best.

Ben
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

e: [email protected]..
User avatar
kirk5a
Posts: 1959
Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2010 1:51 pm

Re: Very simple question...

Post by kirk5a »

Beautiful Breath wrote:...thanks again for all your replies.

Its such a confusing and painful time for me - I feel like I have been hurled into an acid trip like scenario that I have no control over - the bizarre thing is I KNOW that these feelibngs are wrong. If I intellectualise (as I said) its a ludircous thing to be hung up over. Wht on earth would I want to be with another person who had demonstrated a capacity for emotional abuse aned even violence - why would I want to have a 5 year old living in my home after spending the last 17 years bringing up my daughter... I must be going mad :jumping:

Either way, if I ask myself "...do you want this woman back in your life..."? the answer is a resounding NO!!!

So why on earth am I still feeling such a yearning for her?

What would the Abidhamma say about such contradictory feelings?

BB
Hi BB

I can't help with the Abidhamma answer, but the Buddha did say

"O bhikkhus, I do not perceive at all any other form which thus stands taking hold of the mind of man as does this: the form of woman... sound... scent... taste... the touch of woman. O bhikkhus, I do not perceive at all any other form which thus stands taking hold of the mind of woman as does this: the form of man, sound, scent, taste, touch of man."

So that would appear to be the answer to "why?" It's because for men, women are the #1 thing which the mind grasps through the eyes, ears, nose, tongue and body. :smile:
"When one thing is practiced & pursued, ignorance is abandoned, clear knowing arises, the conceit 'I am' is abandoned, latent tendencies are uprooted, fetters are abandoned. Which one thing? Mindfulness immersed in the body." -AN 1.230
beeblebrox
Posts: 939
Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2009 10:41 pm

Re: Very simple question...

Post by beeblebrox »

Beautiful Breath wrote: Either way, if I ask myself "...do you want this woman back in your life..."? the answer is a resounding NO!!!

So why on earth am I still feeling such a yearning for her?
If you don't want her back in your life... are you sure that your feelings are related to her? If these feelings didn't come till you started having problems with her, are you sure that she was the cause, or that these problems were even the cause?

Maybe it's something else. It's very easy to make connections between one thing to another, when there's really none. Many people don't even notice this... because it's an automatic process, due to their habits.

I remember a long time ago, when I had a lot of problems with this one woman. She made me feel really terrible, or at least so I thought. I stopped seeing her, but this feeling still lingered. I blamed her for it. After a while, I stopped caring about her, but the painful feeling still lingered... so where was it coming from?

After a few years, I'm at peace with her, and even looked at her from a positive light... but this bad feeling still pops up, every now and then, and seems like it has nothing to do with her. So what's causing it? And what really caused it back then, when I had a falling out with her? Apparently, she was just a convenient target for me to put my blame on.

Just look at the feelings as pleasant, not pleasant, neutral... don't try to connect them to anything. Pay attention to what they really are, or where they really come from. This is not easy. That why you just sit...

:anjali:
ricketybridge
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Apr 04, 2011 1:15 am

Re: Very simple question...

Post by ricketybridge »

Ben wrote:Nothing outside of yourself can give you everlasting happiness. Likewise nothing outside of yourself is a source of misery,
The misery you are experiencing is the misery you are manufacturing for yourself. Attachment, addiction, craving, aversion, lust - its all the same. If you weren't obsessing over this woman, there would be some other thing that would manifest which you would superimpose your dukkha upon.
I once heard someone say "love is the mother of misery", wise words indeed.
As I said earlier - just let go. Let her go, let go of the dukkha.
I love this. Fantastic, strong summary of the core issue (of the 4 Noble Truths, basically?). Each time I reread this, my pain lessens that much more. Thank you. :)
Jhana4
Posts: 1331
Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2011 5:20 pm
Location: U.S.A., Northeast

Re: Very simple question...

Post by Jhana4 »

If something like that happened to me, I wouldn't look for only Buddhist tools, but anything that worked, especially if my daily practice was disrupted.

Here are some ideas to get over an ex more quickly:

- stay busy, preferably with something absorbing. One day you will look up from your work and you will realize you feel okay.
- spend a lot of time with friend who really like you and who you really like. Have fun in addition to venting to them.
- start dating
- go for counseling
- get in really good shape or do some kind of self improvement where you can see incremental results.
In reading the scriptures, there are two kinds of mistakes:
One mistake is to cling to the literal text and miss the inner principles.
The second mistake is to recognize the principles but not apply them to your own mind, so that you waste time and just make them into causes of entanglement.
Post Reply