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For those in relationships... - Dhamma Wheel

For those in relationships...

Exploring Theravāda's connections to other paths. What can we learn from other traditions, religions and philosophies?
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Lazy_eye
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For those in relationships...

Postby Lazy_eye » Wed Apr 01, 2009 11:17 am

Is your spouse or significant other also practicing Buddhism? If not, how does he/she regard your practice? Do any concerns come up, and if so, how do you address them?

How easy do you find it to integrate your practice and your relationship?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this..

:namaste:

LE

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Ben
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby Ben » Wed Apr 01, 2009 11:59 am

“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

(Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • •

e: [email protected]..

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Fede
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby Fede » Wed Apr 01, 2009 4:15 pm

I am in a relationship, and though my partner lists his 'religion' as Buddhist, on Facebook, it's really more as a nod and out of respect for me, than for any personal vocational reasons.
He respects my calling, and is curious.
He tells me (and I know you only have my word for it, but I'm being honest) that he thinks I'm one of the kindest and least harmful people he knows.
he has mellowed much in the time I have known him.
He's still volatile, but friends have marked upon the changes in him.
This is more, I am sure, out of a desire to effect change in himself as a result of 'seeing', than of any direct influence I have purposely tried to implement upon him, myself....

Any 'problems' within the relationship cannot be laid at the feet of Buddhism. It has not caused any dissent, division or rift, or clash of ideas.
Rather, whatever may have brought any of these about, I would say is down to my own sense of attachment, grasping and clinging, and seeking satisfaction in transitory things, fleeting and impermanent as they are.

I make every Effort to practise in my relationship. If I fail, it's my fault.....

Hope this helps.

:namaste:
Last edited by Fede on Sun Apr 05, 2009 7:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk/relationships/forum/

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jcsuperstar
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby jcsuperstar » Wed Apr 01, 2009 5:24 pm

สัพเพ สัตตา สุขีตา โหนตุ

the mountain may be heavy in and of itself, but if you're not trying to carry it it's not heavy to you- Ajaan Suwat

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Rui Sousa
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby Rui Sousa » Wed Apr 01, 2009 5:52 pm

With Metta

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BubbaBuddhist
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby BubbaBuddhist » Wed Apr 01, 2009 7:22 pm

My wife is Buddhist, in fact we met on e-sangha. The interesting thing is that I'm Theravada and she's Tibetan gelugpa. We're a bi-partisan household. Early on we made a pact: the first one of us to reach Realization the other one will switch over. :P

That said, this has been no cure for normal domestic stress. Marriage is a process where you basically swap single-person suffering for married person suffering, and it's a test of your practice how you deal with this stress while maintaining compassion and equilibrium.

Some time ago I decided against taking the robe, although I yearned to do so, because I realized if I did, I would be unable to help my son, who has psychological problems and has no other family than me to help him when he's in trouble, financially and emotionally. I decided for me to join the sangha at that time would have been a act of utter selfishness. Some time later, I also decided I would partake of the joys of lay life as described by the Buddha in several suttas. I saw no reason to live as a monk without actually being part of the community of monks. So I engaged in the comforts of marriage, a home and having cats. But every time you make a choice you give something up. Every decision has consequences. How you deal with those consequences can be graceful or not. :buddha1:

J

J
Author of Redneck Buddhism: or Will You Reincarnate as Your Own Cousin?

nathan
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby nathan » Wed Apr 01, 2009 11:48 pm

I have maintained no relationship for a decade (so I realize that I shouldn't even post here but I have had intimate relationships in the past and) because I could see this exchange of forms of suffering in it along with it's obvious merits I have since refrained from it. That and it has seemed as entirely likely that I would flee the world for the relative sanctuary of the ordained sangha regardless of my other choices even when I was in a relationship. Had I had children I would have felt entirely obligated to meet those responsibilities to the best of my capabilities and this has always been the primary concern I have had in regards to any intimate relationship. The potential fate of any potential children has been a consideration regardless of whether or not I would go on to provide for them in any way. That is, the capacity for any woman so involved with me and others socially to see to their care or well being apart from me, should she so wish as this is an ongoing potential reality for men in my country. Regardless of their intentions, women simply have greater rights and men have the greater burden of proof in terms of legal domestic custody concerns. This was all important to me as well along with that shared intention of concern prior to any intimacy at all. At this more advanced age I look back at all of those involvements with both thankful appreciation and relief at the overall outcomes even though some of those relationships may have taken other positive directions and continued to now with much different outcomes.
Last edited by nathan on Thu Apr 02, 2009 2:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
But whoever walking, standing, sitting, or lying down overcomes thought, delighting in the stilling of thought: he's capable, a monk like this, of touching superlative self-awakening. § 110. {Iti 4.11; Iti 115}

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zavk
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby zavk » Wed Apr 01, 2009 11:56 pm

Hi LE,

My partner is not Buddhist but she has no problems with my practice whatsoever. In fact, she agrees with and appreciates Buddhist ideals. She just doesn't feel the inclination to take refuge in the path. Maybe she will one day, I don't know.

My practice has definitely benefited our relationship in that it has taught me responsibility, kindness, patience, etc, etc. This of course requires constant effort. And to the extent that she has seen how much I have benefited from the dhamma she has been very supportive.

She does tease me occasionally about being 'Buddhist' when I try to be moderate with various indulgences such as partying and gossiping. But it's all good.

:juggling:

Best wishes,
zavk
With metta,
zavk

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retrofuturist
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby retrofuturist » Thu Apr 02, 2009 12:08 am

"Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education." - Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh

"The uprooting of identity is seen by the noble ones as pleasurable; but this contradicts what the whole world sees." (Snp 3.12)

"To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead" - Thomas Paine

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AdvaitaJ
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby AdvaitaJ » Thu Apr 02, 2009 12:58 am

The birds have vanished down the sky. Now the last cloud drains away.
We sit together, the mountain and me, until only the mountain remains.
Li Bai

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Lazy_eye
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby Lazy_eye » Sun Apr 05, 2009 4:32 am

Thank you all for the interesting and insightful replies. This is a topic I periodically find myself thinking about, and it's beneficial to hear about your experiences and approaches (as varied as these are!).

Metta,
LE

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Jechbi
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby Jechbi » Sun Apr 05, 2009 7:38 am


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retrofuturist
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby retrofuturist » Mon Apr 06, 2009 4:08 am

Greetings,

Well I'll be observing my first regular Uposatha Day on Thursday (the only other times I've done it have been whilst on retreat or with the family away) so I'll let you know if that raises any issues!

After having my son's birthday party yesterday and a big dinner, the thought of not eating the wrong side of noon sounds like a happy proposition!

Metta,
Retro. :)
"Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education." - Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh

"The uprooting of identity is seen by the noble ones as pleasurable; but this contradicts what the whole world sees." (Snp 3.12)

"To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead" - Thomas Paine

rowyourboat
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby rowyourboat » Sat Apr 11, 2009 9:44 am

With Metta

Karuna
Mudita
& Upekkha

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Zack
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby Zack » Sat Apr 11, 2009 4:39 pm

I am of nature to decay, I have not gone beyond decay.
I am of the nature to be diseased, I have not gone beyond disease.
I am of the nature to die, I have not done beyond death.
All that is mine, dear and delightful, will change and vanish.
I am the owner of my kamma, heir to my kamma, born of my kamma, related to
my kamma, abide supported by my kamma. Whatever kamma I shall do,
whether good or evil, of that I shall be the heir.
Thus we should frequently recollect.
- Upajjhatthana Sutta, Anguttara Nikaya v.57

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Pablo
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby Pablo » Tue Apr 14, 2009 2:11 pm


lonewolf
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Re: For those in relationships...

Postby lonewolf » Thu Oct 16, 2014 3:05 am



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