Joke!!!

[cooran]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.... I assumed you had stolen the car.''

[effort]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
.....

i laughed as much as that makes my family worried... great...

[cooran]

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
“What’s your ‘Unique Breakfast?’” he asked.
“Baked tongue of chicken,” she replied.
“Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”
“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” the man replied.
--------------------------------------
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.
-----------------------------------------

[Kare]

In Norway there are two kinds of goat cheese. There is white goat cheese and there is brown goat cheese.
So how are those cheeses made?
The white goat cheese is made from the white stuff that comes out of the goat.

[Kim O'Hara]

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?

A: Patio furniture.


Kim

[Monkey]

Two pinguins are standing on an iceberg.
The one says: I'll push you off
The other one says: No

[cooran]

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

[Dan74]

Two pinguins are standing on an iceberg.
The one says: I'll push you off
The other one says: No

This thread has some of the funniest (and daggiest) jokes, but this one I don't get at all.
(I've retold the ones about the old betting man and the talking dog a few times already!)

[Kim O'Hara]

WHEN choosing a path in life, try to avoid the psychopaths.


Kim

[Monkey]

Two pinguins are standing on an iceberg.
The one says: I'll push you off
The other one says: No

This thread has some of the funniest (and daggiest) jokes, but this one I don't get at all.
(I've retold the ones about the old betting man and the talking dog a few times already!)

Sorry then Dan74, it happens to be the funniest joke I know. There really isn't anything to understand about it, but imagining the awkward situation that these two pinguins are in makes me laugh. Maybe it works better in Dutch

[cooran]

Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope…

[Kim O'Hara]

An excellent argument for reincarnation, Chris!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fx7aoEBtPXA&feature=related

[PeterB]

A man and woman who have never met before find that they have been booked into the same railway sleeper carriage..
After some embarrassment they decide to make the best of it.
He takes the top bunk and she the bottom one.

After a few minutes the man says " Ma'am I am sorry to bother you but could you get me a spare blanket. I'm freezing.."
The woman says..." I tell you what, as its so cold, lets pretend just for tonight that we are married.."
"OK " says the man his face lighting up...
" Get your own damn blanket ! " says the woman.
After a few moments silence the man turns over and farts.

[cooran]

A man named Marty called his son. “Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and their is nothing you can do about it.
I have decided to divorce your mother.”

“But dad how can that be “the son asked “you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along?
What happened suddenly?”

“Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded “but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.”

Alright” said the father hanging up “you have my word.

“Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”

[effort]

a man sold a painted owl instead a parrot to a guy, after a while he ask the guy:" so does he speak?" and the guy replied:" ohh not yet, but he is paying attention very good!"

[cooran]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

---------------------------------------

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.

[PeterB]

[PeterB]

An elderly man who has lost his hearing some years before was fitted with two tiny hearing aids and recovered his hearing almost completely.
When he visited his doctor next the doc remarked that the man's family must be pleased.

" I havent told them yet " the man replied, "I just sit and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times "....

[David N. Snyder]

An elderly man who has lost his hearing some years before was fitted with two tiny hearing aids and recovered his hearing almost completely.
When he visited his doctor next the doc remarked that the man's family must be pleased.

" I havent told them yet " the man replied, "I just sit and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times "....

I'll have to remember to try that, if I start to lose my hearing.

That reminds me of a true incident in Las Vegas:

An Ethiopian-American lady walks into a room where a 400 lb. man is lying on a sofa. She mutters in her Ethiopian language (Amharic), "my god, how could someone get so big?"

The man who had spent some years in the peace corps in Ethiopia replies back in perfect Amharic, "it wasn't easy, it took several trips to the buffet line at the Vegas casinos."

[cooran]

With considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don't know how we missed doing this.

At a high school, a group of students played a prank - they let three goats loose inside the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.
School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3!
…………………………………………………..
A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk...

..., and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"
The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.
"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"
"I did," admitted the youngster.
"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"
"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."
…………………………………..
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident ...

... except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.