Ben wrote:Hi Manasikara
At moments like this I am reminded of that saying by Charles Bukowski: Love is a mad dog from Hell.
If its any consolation, many of us have gone through what you are going through - albeit in different manifestations.
With myself, its my 16-year-old son.
This parenting gig can be very difficult.
But at least you have the Dhamma as your anchor.
I appreciate your reply, and understanding, Ben. It's funny that it can be looked at in a Dhammic way. Life keeps forcing me to let go,
for my own well-being in fact! First I had to accept that 'gone are the days of close connectedness of when she was my sweet little girl'. There came this day where I just let go and accepted it, even celebrated it in the sense that, this is part of the journey of growing up - it had to happen.
This time however, I'm a bit scared within that, 'what, do I have to also accept that she might not be as nice a person
as I thought, either?' If I ever needed to apply my newfound (albeit merely intellectual) understanding of anatta
it is now. Forms are not-self...feelings are not-self...perceptions are not-self...volitional formations are not-self...consciousness is not-self.
This contemplation, along with Dependent Coarising and the method of Satipatthana, would help me through the coming challenges. It does when I'm out on the street, for example. If some hoons yell at me as they drive past, and if I'm ready, I can direct awareness to any number of places to avoid anger from arising. One is to 'catch' the inner reaction of sadness before it proliferates too much, just feeling 'sadness' (I'm a sensitive person who despite not liking being insulted, have endured it quite alot this lifetime)...another is to recognize that those guys only yelled at me because of defilements, due to ignorance, and so I can defuse any anger that way, and actually have a bit of compassion in my heart, even for them who just yelled at me...but
...when I am at home, and my daughter is 'testing' me for the tenth time (that day
), pushing the boundaries, trying to see just what it takes for me to take away the internet, for example ('consequence 1), I ask myself 'why does she do it? Can't she see that I'm not a doormat? Why does she push me, over and over again? It's just tiring.
..' That's what I mean, Ben. It's a tiresome job. I really value peace of mind thesedays, I guess I have to be able to let go of always having that, too. But once again, thanks for listening, it sounds to me like you know what I'm talking about!