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Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty - Dhamma Wheel

Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

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manas
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Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby manas » Sat Nov 12, 2011 10:46 am

When my (now 12-going-on-13 year old) was first born, my heart was officially melted. I had a baby daughter! And over the next nine to ten years I would say that the times I spent with her were precious. I had never loved any other human being as much (until the next one came along), and never would again.

But over the last year (or so, kind of gradually) she really has changed. Often it's like my dear daughter has kind of been subsumed by this mean bitchy person before me, being disdainful and rude to me often for either a trivial (or sometimes, no) reason at all, other than that I happen to be her dad. I promise you, I never regretted my life-path (having kids) before this last trying year. And the sad thing is, I still love both of my kids, even the currently nasty one, as much as I love myself. That's just what being a parent does to you.

I'm sorry for this but it makes me feel much sadness sometimes. Here I am, a Buddhist with more faith in the Teachings than I've ever had before, and yet I find my daughter's rudeness so, so hard to deal with, because honestly I just did not behave like that at her age. That rebellious and defiant spirit she got from her mother, I'd say. (Or from herself. Pah I dunno). It really isn't right to speak to or treat your parents with such disdain, at just 12-13 years of age...(I'm a bit old-fashioned, maybe? Am I 'not with the times?')

So while I have much love for her in my heart, I must say that if she treated me like she did today for the next six years, I might not last the distance. The monastery (a long way) down the road might have a new resident! (Just kidding!) But seriously, this really isn't much fun. Monastic life looks far, far preferable to this, I'm sorry to call it like it is. But I really did lose my shot at that a long time ago now; So, I'm staying the course, and raising this being (who has come into my care) to adulthood, with as much virtue and metta as I can muster.

Thanks for listening,

m. :anjali:
Then the Blessed One, picking up a tiny bit of dust with the tip of his fingernail, said to the monk, "There isn't even this much form...feeling...
perception...fabrications...consciousness that is constant, lasting, eternal, not subject to change, that will stay just as it is as long as eternity."

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Ben
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Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby Ben » Sat Nov 12, 2011 11:31 am

Hi Manasikara

At moments like this I am reminded of that saying by Charles Bukowski: Love is a mad dog from Hell.
If its any consolation, many of us have gone through what you are going through - albeit in different manifestations.
With myself, its my 16-year-old son.
This parenting gig can be very difficult.
But at least you have the Dhamma as your anchor.
kind regards,

Ben
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

(Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • •

e: [email protected]..

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Stiphan
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Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby Stiphan » Sat Nov 12, 2011 4:28 pm

This too will pass...

As a child I was a very good kid, but I had a troubled adolescence, which did cause problems to my family. Now all that has gone as if it never existed. So, yes things will change and come back to normal, you just have to be patient.

Teenagers are confused and troubled, they crave independence and seek acceptance. By their nature they are rebellious. Put yourself in her shoes. She needs compassion and understanding from you.


That's my take anyway.


May you and your daughter be happy! :smile:

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manas
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Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby manas » Sat Nov 12, 2011 7:10 pm

Then the Blessed One, picking up a tiny bit of dust with the tip of his fingernail, said to the monk, "There isn't even this much form...feeling...
perception...fabrications...consciousness that is constant, lasting, eternal, not subject to change, that will stay just as it is as long as eternity."

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manas
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Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby manas » Sat Nov 12, 2011 7:19 pm

Then the Blessed One, picking up a tiny bit of dust with the tip of his fingernail, said to the monk, "There isn't even this much form...feeling...
perception...fabrications...consciousness that is constant, lasting, eternal, not subject to change, that will stay just as it is as long as eternity."

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Zom
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Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby Zom » Sun Nov 13, 2011 4:58 pm

May be you should ask her such a direct question like: "What do you want?" ?

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manas
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Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby manas » Sun Nov 13, 2011 10:49 pm

Then the Blessed One, picking up a tiny bit of dust with the tip of his fingernail, said to the monk, "There isn't even this much form...feeling...
perception...fabrications...consciousness that is constant, lasting, eternal, not subject to change, that will stay just as it is as long as eternity."

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Dan74
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Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby Dan74 » Mon Nov 14, 2011 12:20 am

I haven't gone through the "storms of puberty" with my kids yet, but this story is very familiar.

I guess it is good to remind yourself that this will pass. Many sweet girls seem to turn into little demons upon puberty while their minds adjust to the new chemical balance and other effects of the changes. I've heard some of my friends say how they felt sorry for being such b$%@&3 to their parents during during these years.

Best of luck with it, manasikara!
_/|\_

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Aloka
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Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby Aloka » Mon Nov 14, 2011 9:04 am

Hi manasikara,

As a schooolteacher, I can say that this is familiar behaviour when puberty kicks in even in the school environment sometimes. All I can suggest is try to be gentle and kind with her as well as maintaining some boundaries.

Sit down together in a quiet place in a non-confrontational way, then ask her in the gentle manner of a friend if there's anything troubling her. She may be having difficulties with lessons, with her best friend or lack of one, or with being bullied... there are all kinds of possibilities, including PMT if applicable.

Teenagers often need someone who will listen with sympathy and patience and who they can confide in - and they don't understand their fluctuating hormones and moods.

Give her your patience, understanding and loving kindness as a parent she can rely on if her mind is troubled .


with metta,


Aloka

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Zom
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Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby Zom » Mon Nov 14, 2011 9:50 am

Actually the problem is always in ignorance in such cases.

Perhaps the situation is that she can't understand the world and her position in the world. She tries to - but she is perplexed.
She is perplexed and may not knowing what is going on in. When she doesn't know what is going on and when she doesn't know the "right escape" from that "what is going on" - then there are all sorts of wrong escape which can be seen as crying, hysterics, depressions, harmful actions, ect.

Maybe, if she is clever enough to understand, you could try to explain her about "The All", about possible reactions to "The All" and about the right escape from "The All".

Since "The All" is the very base of any life experience, knowing this, she will manage to find a foothold in the dense jungles of everyday numerous experiences. She will know that the reality is not a perplexity - but that it is very simple: there is only eye-form, and certain reaction to them; only ear-sounds... ; nose-smells... ;tongue-tastes ...; body-tactile sensations... ; mind-mind objects and mental sensations and certain reaction to them. No more than that.

Maybe, if she only realize this much, the perplexity will fade away and together with it - all unwholesome actions too. Image

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manas
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Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby manas » Mon Nov 14, 2011 10:12 am

Dan, Zom, and Aloka, I thank you also for your input. Aloka, she's not getting bullied at school, whatever challenges she has had there she seems to overcome with relative ease. It's a mix of things. Hormones...over-confidence (she feels more 'grown up' than she is, but is unaware of this reality)...her dislike of my daggyness...my dislike of the current teenage culture...yadayadayada...

It's all too complicated so I'm going to simplify it. My first idea is that we need to go out more and do more activites, bowling, indoor rock climbing, anything that will get us out of the house and into something interesting. That's my plan for the coming weekend. And not to expect too much from her. She is the way she is...I'm the way I am...we might not always like each other, but there is a deep and enduring love there, deep down...I'm going to keep that in mind next time she is yelling at me at the top of her lungs...or maybe, I will just 'know: loud and unpleasant sound'... :|

Plus I'm making a paved walking meditation track outside. When I need to get out of the house and just pace about a little, I will know where to go... :)

mettafully,
manas.
Then the Blessed One, picking up a tiny bit of dust with the tip of his fingernail, said to the monk, "There isn't even this much form...feeling...
perception...fabrications...consciousness that is constant, lasting, eternal, not subject to change, that will stay just as it is as long as eternity."

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Ben
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Location: kanamaluka

Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby Ben » Mon Nov 14, 2011 10:29 am

“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

(Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • •

e: [email protected]..

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Dan74
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Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby Dan74 » Mon Nov 14, 2011 11:08 am

Is that the one opposite Waves Leasure Centre, Ben?

We've seen them practicing a few times we came with the kids.

Good advice to do something physical like this together. Great for bonding and for kids in general.
_/|\_

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Ben
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Location: kanamaluka

Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby Ben » Mon Nov 14, 2011 11:25 am

Hi Dan,
Yes, that is the one:
http://www.whitepages.com.au/busSearch. ... rabbin+VIC

If you are interested in going - best to call first and see what they're offering in the way of beginners sessions and courses. The information I have is a few years old.
Also - you don't need your own equipment as you can hire what you need at the club.
kind regards

Ben
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

(Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • •

e: [email protected]..

santa100
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Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby santa100 » Mon Nov 14, 2011 5:06 pm


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manas
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Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby manas » Mon Nov 14, 2011 7:07 pm

Then the Blessed One, picking up a tiny bit of dust with the tip of his fingernail, said to the monk, "There isn't even this much form...feeling...
perception...fabrications...consciousness that is constant, lasting, eternal, not subject to change, that will stay just as it is as long as eternity."

User avatar
Ben
Posts: 18442
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:49 am
Location: kanamaluka

Re: Advice needed for weathering the storms of puberty

Postby Ben » Tue Nov 15, 2011 1:44 am

“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

(Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • •

e: [email protected]..


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