Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.

Re: Joke!!!

Postby manas » Sun Oct 30, 2011 8:32 am

"WANTED: A small dog that neither growls nor bites, can eat broken glass and can shit diamonds."

~Goethe
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Thu Nov 03, 2011 8:59 am

BOOTS!
Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,
"I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.
========================================================================
Twenty Questions
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
===================================================
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Kim OHara » Fri Dec 02, 2011 7:37 am

On British Airways flight FR112 from Johannesburg, a rich, middle-aged white woman from South Africa was on the plane. The plane was about to take off but when she sat down she found she had been seated next to a black man.

"Stewardess, bleeeuurrrgghh," she wailed. "Stewardess, there's a black man, bleeeuuurgh I'm going to be sick, this is repulsive euuurrrggghhh." She kept making vomiting noises and pointing at the black man, who was getting quite embarrassed.
The stewardess came over to the woman and asked what was wrong. "You put me next to a black man, bleeeuuuurrghhh, that is so euuurrrghhhhh. I can't believe this," she moaned.


"Oh, I'll see what I can do!" the stewardess scurried up the plane and behind a curtain. After a moment she came back and said, "I'm soooooo sorry, but there are no more seats in economy. We do have a seat in first class, though." The woman's eyes lit up. First class was her kind of thing.
The stewardess turned slightly, towards the man, as she continued talking, "It's really rare that we will do this, but we think it's completely unfair that you have to sit next to such an obnoxious human being. Would you like to come up to first class, sir?"


The man stood up gratefully, and the whole plane burst into applause as the stewardess escorted him forward.

Found on Racism Sux, http://www.facebook.com/Rismsux
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Mon Dec 05, 2011 12:16 am

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Kim OHara » Sun Dec 18, 2011 11:47 pm

Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby imagemarie » Tue Dec 20, 2011 2:40 pm

More on samsara. "Adult" content :smile:

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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Wed Dec 21, 2011 9:49 am

Why it’s nice to be a dog…

No one expects you to take a bath every day.

Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.

When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

If it itches, you can reach it.

And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.

You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.

If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap

Having big feet is considered an asset.

If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.

No matter where you live, you own the place.

Your mate never complains because you whine.

Puppy love can last.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Wed Dec 21, 2011 9:52 am

God Will Provide

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.

“What are your plans?” he asked Joseph.

“I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied.

“Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie’s father replied. “But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

“I will study, and God will surely provide for us,” Joseph explained.

“And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?”

“I will study hard, and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.

The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Wed Dec 21, 2011 9:57 am

The Two Strings…

Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They’re having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout.

After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed “you’re not very good on that roundabout are you?”

The first string looked at himself and said “I’m a frayed knot”.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Fri Dec 23, 2011 10:04 am

On the Twelfth day of Christmas, My true love gave to me:
Twelve drummers drumming
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree

Revised Christmas days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:



1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Kim OHara » Tue Dec 27, 2011 11:15 am

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated sheep observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Tue Jan 03, 2012 6:39 am

Over breakfast a woman muttered to her husband, ''I bet you don't know what day this is.''
''Of course I do,'' he replied indignantly, making a dash for the door.
During the day there was a constant stream of deliveries to the house - a dozen long-stemmed roses at 10 a.m., her favourite chocolates at 11 a.m. perfume at midday, and a designer dress at 1 p.m., ending with a stretch limo arriving at 7 p.m. to fetch her for a dinner at a fancy restaurant.
Her husband was waiting at the best table alone.
''What a surprise!'' she gushed, as he handed her a glass of champagne.
''I've never had a more wonderful Save the Rhino Day in all my life.''

================================================

A fellow asked his wife of 40 years, ''Darling, I've never seen you in a bad mood - how did you do it?''
His wife responded:
'Whenever I got angry, I went away and cleaned the bathroom.''
The husband asked again, ''And how did you do it?''
And his wife replied: ''I used your toothbrush.''

===============================================
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sun Jan 08, 2012 9:58 am

Jokes about the differences between Aussies, Brits, Americans and Candadians

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.


Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.


Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!


Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.


Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.


Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Fri Jan 20, 2012 9:21 pm

A cheating paint contractor had been skimping by thinning his paint excessively.

Nevertheless, he managed to land a big job painting a church.
He was almost done when a major storm came up. It washed all the paint off.

Amidst the thunder and lightning, he was shocked to hear a loud voice, "REPAINT, REPAINT---THIN NO MORE!"
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Ytrog » Sat Jan 21, 2012 11:12 am

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctor described his condition as 'stable'.
Suffering is asking from life what it can never give you.


mindfulness, bliss and beyond (page 8) wrote:Do not linger on the past. Do not keep carrying around coffins full of dead moments


If you see any unskillful speech (or other action) from me let me know, so I can learn from it.
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Tue Jan 31, 2012 9:46 am

Beginning of the Internet...

Ancient evolution of cyber pathway....as the story goes...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Fede » Tue Jan 31, 2012 2:53 pm

Of course....you didn't know that?

Don't tell me you've only just found out.......

Cooran, really!

And here was I thinking you had your finger on the pulse of every Stupendous Universal Teaching That's Available.....

or SUTTA......
:tongue:
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk/relationships/forum/
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Fri Feb 03, 2012 7:51 am

When the 98 year old Mother Superior from a convent in Ireland was on her death bed, the nuns gathered around her to make her journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk, but she refused it. As one of the nuns went to the kitchen to take back the glass of milk, she remembered the bottle of Irish Whisky they had received the previous Christmas. She opened the bottle and poured a generous amount into the warmed milk.

She returned to Mother Superior's bed, held the glass to her lips and encouraged her to drink it.
Mother did drink a little, then she drank a little more, then more and pretty soon she'd drunk the last drop.

The nuns said, "Mother, please give us some words of wisdom before you die."

Mother Superior raised herself up in the bed and said, "Don’t' sell that cow!"

==================================================================

A married couple are in a terrible accident and the woman’s face is
severely burned. The doctor tells the husband that they can’t graft any
skin from her body, as she is too skinny. The husband heroically offers to
donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that is
suitable has to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agree that they will tell no one where the skin came
from and go ahead with the graft. After the surgery is complete,
everyone is astounded at the woman’s beauty. All her friends and
relatives just go on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she is alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She says, “My dear husband I want to thank you
for everything you have done for me. There is no way I can ever repay
you.”

“My darling wife,” he replies, “Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother kiss your cheek.”
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sat Mar 24, 2012 12:22 am

From Bhikkhu Samahita:

A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man.

Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat."

After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class."

About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."

Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."

Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation.

If you are against racism, share this.

The Buddha to a haughty brahmin on out-castes:
"Not by birth (race or skin-color) is one an outcast;
not by birth (race or skin-color) is one a Noble!
By behaviour only one becomes an outcast,
by behaviour alone one becomes a Noble"

Reference: Vasala Sutta: Discourse on Outcasts: Sutta nipata 116-142
http://​www.accesstoinsight.org/​tipitaka/kn/snp/​snp.1.07.piya.html



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---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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cooran
 
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Fri May 18, 2012 7:27 am

This is a ''groaner''.

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there’s a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it’s Texas he’s sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he’s sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

“Well” says the man, “Is that your packed lunch over there?” “Yes” answers the executioner. “Can I have that green banana?”

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he’s eaten it. When the man’s finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can’t believe it.

“Can I go?” the man asks. “I suppose so” says the executioner, “That’s never happened before.”

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.

The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke again sat in the chair. “What is your final wish?” asks the executioner. “Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?” says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.

The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can’t believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

“What’s your final wish ?” asks the executioner. “Well” says the man, “Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?” The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included.

The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

“I give up” says the executioner, “I don’t understand how you can still be alive after all that?”. He stroked his chin. “It’s something to do with that green banana isn’t it” he asked.

Nahh” said the bloke, “This is all because I’m just a really bad conductor”
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
cooran
 
Posts: 7597
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

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