Feeling completely lost and down?

[lotuspadma]

Hi. I'm having a problem with my family. They despise me! It's been 22 years of sheer coldness and neglect. I'm always left out and no one appreciates me or my ideas. That might have something to do with me being an illegitimate child. I don't belong to this family. This is my situation: My father left me before my birth, my mom left when I was 13, though she visits me weekly. I live with my grandma and her favorite hobbie is saying how much I suck at everything. She makes a decent amount of money, but refuses to give me a cent. I'm looking but I can't find a job. I hate to ask her for stuff, I know it's immoral and I definitely wish I didn't have to, but most of my clothes are from when I was 10 or 11. I don't ask her much, but she won't give me any unless I beg. And then I can see in her eyes that she's not happy to give it to me. She says she needs to save it, but actually she's going on shopping sprees often. I was thinking of how I would like to shower her and my mom with gifts when I get a job, but now I don't feel the love from either side. And I am absolutely done with this. But what should I do? I would like to run away and find work elsewhere, but I'm a fragile young woman, and my grandma is 67 and easily upset. If I stay, I don't know if I should try - yet again - to try to work things out or just ignore them like they ignore me. Please help me. I've tried a shrink, tried to get friends, a romantic relationship, but I didn't succeed in either of those. No one actually understands me or cares enough to try. I'm feeling lonely, depressed and worthless. I'd kill myself if I wasn't a Buddhist. Anyone??

[retrofuturist]

Greetings lotuspadma,

I would recommend continuing with the job hunt. When you have some degree of autonomy, you'll be able to shape your environment, your circles of friends etc. to better align with your needs and interests.

As for the home situation, try not to rock the boat and don't expect too much. Simply because people are blood-related to us, doesn't make them inherently better or worse people than anyone else.

Good luck.

Metta,
Retro.

[Ben]

[Cilla]

Agreed as above. It does seem that the main solution to your problems of independence and basic welfare is in your getting a job. Maybe you can get some help with developing your job hunting skills. Are there not any government agencies to help.

When going for a job - put on your positive face. Say you can fit in with anything they want you to do ie working times and so on and so forth. Show enthusiasm. When at work, try to do what is asked of your to the best of your ability without complaint. Focus on developing your work skills so that you will have more job choices. Focus on working well so that you can get a good reference when you do ultimately. Try to be happy in your job with your work mates.

Buddhism and meditation should help you in all those things.

I know myself that its hard to drag yourself out to the job hunt when you are depressed but when you are in a rut like this, you have to do it.

I wonder what the psychiatrist/therapist said that didn't work for you. I find them very supportive and in the long run it works if you have the right attitude towards it. I found reading a lot about personal development helped and also reading about how therapy works and all those mental health issues.

Also if you grandmother is not giving you any money at all, aren't you entitled to any government money at all? Have you visited any welfare agencies.

Also if you can try doing some volunteer work in an area where you think you might like to work in the long run. this can lead to greater self confidence, skills development and a good reference and other so on.

use buddhism to keep you on the straight and narrow especially when it comes to getting along with your grandmother.

[befriend]

do you have cousins your age, even second cousins, uncles, aunts someone must have a heart in the family. feel free to talk about whatever on this forum, many compassionate hearts, and even some monks with much wisdom. dont worry it will change. never give up hope. maybe you should think metta thoughts to them in your meditation. also dont forget millions of buddhists around the world are including you in there meditation when they say, may all beings be happy. thats a nice thought. metta, befriend

[befriend]

dont feel worthless. when you say your family hates you and you want to buy them presents. most typical people would never even think that. first of all your a human, which means youve been practicing virtue, generosity, and meditation for many many many lives. second you are interested in the teachings, when most people hear the word buddhism they role there eyes, and think its superstitious. so you clearly have more good karma than most humans. this is what is known as a precious human birth. you are healthy, a human, and delight in the teachings, nearly impossible to achieve. think about how much good karma you are making through your practice and will in the future, soon you will make enough progress in meditation, maybe your grandma will notice how happy you become and SHE will want to learn the dhamma, and you can save her from herself. please never think of suicide. karuna, and metta, befriend. keep smiling a great teaching from my monk teacher is to have a little half buddha smile on your face, its very relaxing and hard to be unwholesome when your smiling...hahahah!

[santa100]

Focus on sharpening your skill sets to improve the chance of landing a job. Right now, it should be your number one priority. If you're still in school, make sure to pick a major that is in high demand: engineering, computer science, accounting, nursing (or any health care related majors are always in high demand). If you major in a Liberal Arts degree like English, Philosophy, History, etc.. it will be difficult to find a job, especially in this current economy. If you already graduated with these general majors, you might have to do lots of volunteer or co-op jobs and gain the necessary experience to make up for the lack of the specific skills. Most important of all is staying focus and maintain a positive attitude, for these there're 2 things that could greatly help: physical exercises and Buddhism. Good luck and feel free to post with any question..

[lotuspadma]

Thanks everyone who replied. I can't begin to tell you how much you have helped. Each and every one of you had something helpful to say. Thank you, may you all be well and happy! I'm a lot better now. I'm studying and earning money through a scholarship. My family is kinder to me, as I've been kinder to them as well. Life changes so fast! I'm glad I'm alive!

[befriend]

SADHU! what did you do that helped?? good to hear.

[David2]

It makes me happy that you are happy, lotuspadma.
Anicca is really liberating.

[Fede]

SADHU! what did you do that helped?? good to hear.

This is a duplicate topic also posted on another forum by the OP (not that there's anything wrong with that - I'm just mentioning I've seen it already....)
And I guess it's an exceptionally good lesson in "This too shall pass", "Nothing is permanent," Attachment and suffering.

Sometimes, it pays to be patient and wait, abide your time and practise compassion.

Sometimes, less is more...........

[lotuspadma]

Thanks, David. Now... what did I do? Listened to every single reply I got. And tried to talk more, argue less. Spoke my mind, and also heard her side of the story. And yes, it has taught me something about impermanence. Why do we make such a fuss of things that don't last? That is... every single thing ever.

[Fede]

Interesting....

Your avatar is a lotus.....
My avatar is a lotus......

I wonder where these lotuses are now.....?

[lotuspadma]

I know, right? I think the symbolism of it is amazing. Well, these flowers are probably something else by now.

[Fede]

Great lessons in Emptiness/Dependent Origination....!

[LeonBasin]

Keep pushing forward!:)

[RadhaMa]

Everything changes. Nothing stays the same. All is impermanent. Remember this. It may seem like this situation will go on forever. It cannot. This is good news, is it not? This time is a challenge for you to stay true to your spiritual ethics. Suffering like this can represent a time when you have the planet Saturn overhanging you for several years and it sounds like this is what is happening. The good thing here is that you have done this early in your life. Most people do it when they are old. Then it is much harder.It will pass I assure you. Stay true to your ethics. Do good for others. As you thought, to give gifts, this is a beautiful symbol. It shows that you are doing right thinking. Give to those who do not 'deserve' at least inwardly and you have reached a point where non attachment is very near. It may not be a good idea to give the physical gifts to them. They will not appreciate them, they may waste them, they may despise you more for doing that. Because, if you give them gifts it shows them that you have some energy of your own, your own power. They are afraid of your gaining power, so do not frighten them further. Give them verbal gifts. Stay calm. It is a process that is only for now. You will get all the help you need. You will meet your right teachers, to be sure. You are surely blessed. You are a divine child and are perfect, even in this awful time. If you move away, this is good. You will find work. If you stay, you will find some work, but they will take your money. You do not need to continue to be there. I get the feeling that there is a relative that lives far away that you can go to. Otherwise, see if you can find a retreat, like a Buddhist centre where you can stay for a time, or even a Krsna community, or another kind of community. There is hope there. My own experience said that I had to go away. It gets to a point where the other people who misuse their power don't know when they push you into too far. You must take care of your own body and brain chemistry and too much misery for too long can become a physical problem. I feel like it is time for you to move on. Consider doing live in care work, moving interstate, doing WOOFING which is working on farms in return for accomodation. Where abouts are you? I may be able to help direct you. Remember too, there are stories about how Buddha thanked those who criticised them equally warmly as he thanked those who praised him. He said to beware of those who praise us, in fact. On the other side of it is our own ego waiting to strut. I know that no one's life is the same, so I am not meaning to say that "I know how you feel' precisely...but I also had displacement as a child and I was despised and beaten for much of my life, humiliated and it is surprising that I survived it. Yet, this was training to find the compassion within to see how this kind of cruelty could stop with me. Perhaps I was repaying karmic debts and of course, this must wear out ultimately. Perhaps I was simply being tested to see if I would resort to the ways those people thought and acted. Fortunately I didn't. However, I do see how I closed my heart to them and thought ill of them, judged them. I didn't see their behaviour as valuable and useful at the time. It was too painful then. In retrospect, I see how it taught me to control my emotions and to understand ignorance within us all. In short, dispassion. All of life is full of suffering and many don't know it. My life and your life showed us this. This too will pass. Remember this! If you are consistently miserable and it has gone on for years, despite your spiritual alignment, and now you say you would kill yourself if you were not a Buddhist, I think this is all signs to leave. You can still work on the lessons once you have gone. You do not need to have attachment. Your relative is 67 and that is not old. They can cope okay without you. You need to recover. It is important that they too see what they are doing. Otherwise you do not do them a favour by allowing them to continue to be emotionally cruel to you. This is bad karma for them. So, do go by all means. Blessings to you, RadhaMa