dhamma_newb wrote:52 days and I relapsed. I don't think I can do this alone and I think I need professional help. I am sorry to all those that I have let down.
Hey, man. Relax. The longest I've gone porn free in the last 4 years is like 12 days. And for the 12 or so years before that I never went more than a day. So you're doing well, but as many have already said you can't beat yourself up like this. When I began trying to get away from porn I was reacting the same way when I would relapse and it made things much worse. Trust me I know what you are going through and it feels really shitty when you can't just stop.
You do need professional help. But there was no more professional at control then the Buddha. But you have to be patient. You've imbedded porn into your life to certain degree.
I came up with a metaphor:
Years back you wandered into a cave which held many wonders. You kept exploring deeper and deeper. Suddenly you were reminded of daylight and realized that the cave is dangerous and has nothing to offer you. You want to leave. You know you didn't go into the cave with the intention of going this deep but it happened. You have been walking for years, so it may take some years to escape. But you just want to be out, your tired of what the cave has to offer, but for right now your stuck and can't get away. You panic and begin to run and realize that you are just becoming more lost. Suddenly you realize that there is a hint of daylight in one the tunnels behind you. It is the way you came from, the way back to surface. Just keep an eye on that daylight and you'll never loose it. And if you happen to enjoy some of the wonders of the cave here and there, so be it, just as long as you're on your way out.
Through many of samsara’s births I hasten seeking, finding not the builder of this house - pain is birth again, again. O builder of this house you’re seen, you shall not build a house again, all your beams have given away, rafters of the ridge decayed, mind to the unconditioned gone, exhaustion of craving has it reached.(Dhp - 153, 154)