Practicing with a family

A discussion on all aspects of Theravāda Buddhism
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Alobha
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Re: Practicing with a family

Post by Alobha »

Beautiful Breath wrote:I have recently aquired a new family - well my partner has moved in with her 11yo son. Its all good but the new dynamic makes normal practice difficult. for example, getting up at 5am to practice is not going to go down to well - unless I return to bed afterwards :jumping: ... that's going to give me more to think about than I need when sitting. How do others manage?
Thanks,

BB
I don't manage practice with a family, but please remember, that practice is not just about yourself. Training yourself in peace, stillness and noble qualities, you look for yourself and for your family. Your partner may not know about the influence formal meditation has on you, but if she understands that the practice is helping you to behave patiently, kindly and supportive and to be more in peace with the world and yourself, i'm sure she will help you as much as she can :smile:

Best wishes,
Alobha
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marc108
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Re: Practicing with a family

Post by marc108 »

Goofaholix wrote: While it's true sitting practise is a very beneficial skill to get established in this post and a couple of others appear to assume that practise is only something you do on the cushion and is something separate from everyday life. This might be true if one is pursuing the jhanas but from an insight meditation perspective time spent on the cushion is preparation for the real work of maintaining awareness throughout our day to day activities.

so if one has a family then family life is the practise. However I think family also need to be considerate and grateful for the sacrifices you make for them, I'd be doing a lot more retreats if it weren't for my family responsibilities but luckily I established my practise when i was single.
trying to practice the Noble 8 Fold Path in daily life without formal meditation practice of some sort would be akin to trying to be a doctor without going to medical school. of course, family, daily life, etc is where the rubber meets the road as far as practice goes... but again, no one should allow anyone to dictate whether they have daily sitting practice or not.

i think it would be prudent for BB to clarify why exactly his partner is having an issue with him sitting? it's hard to give any advice without knowing the specifics.
"It's easy for us to connect with what's wrong with us... and not so easy to feel into, or to allow us, to connect with what's right and what's good in us."
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Goofaholix
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Re: Practicing with a family

Post by Goofaholix »

marc108 wrote:trying to practice the Noble 8 Fold Path in daily life without formal meditation practice of some sort would be akin to trying to be a doctor without going to medical school. of course, family, daily life, etc is where the rubber meets the road as far as practice goes... but again, no one should allow anyone to dictate whether they have daily sitting practice or not.
I like your metaphor because after one goes to medical school for several years one is supposed to become competent enough to practise medicine daily without going back to school one hour per day every day. One can draw on the experiences one had in intensive learning and has less reliance on continuous study, though occasional refresher courses are needed too of course.

Practise is like this, at first one needs to meditate daily and do intensive retreats and practise can really go down the toilet if you skip for a while. After a decade or two of doing this awareness of daily activities should have become the norm, practise should hopefully be mostly natural and continuous, there is less difference between what happens on and off cushion, then one has less reliance on regular formal sitting.
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“Peace is within oneself to be found in the same place as agitation and suffering. It is not found in a forest or on a hilltop, nor is it given by a teacher. Where you experience suffering, you can also find freedom from suffering. Trying to run away from suffering is actually to run toward it.”
― Ajahn Chah
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marc108
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Re: Practicing with a family

Post by marc108 »

Goofaholix wrote: I like your metaphor because after one goes to medical school for several years one is supposed to become competent enough to practise medicine daily without going back to school one hour per day every day. One can draw on the experiences one had in intensive learning and has less reliance on continuous study, though occasional refresher courses are needed too of course.

Practise is like this, at first one needs to meditate daily and do intensive retreats and practise can really go down the toilet if you skip for a while. After a decade or two of doing this awareness of daily activities should have become the norm, practise should hopefully be mostly natural and continuous, there is less difference between what happens on and off cushion, then one has less reliance on regular formal sitting.
Also relevant to this metaphor is that doctors must regularly relearn current medical & scientific advances. a 20 year old medical degree is fairly worthless in the scope of medicine as it is today. My personal opinion, and my understanding of the Buddha's teachings is that regular meditation is a must for the entire lifetime. I believe the Buddha continued to meditate daily even after his awakening. I believe, that unless we are awakened, there is still more to learn in meditation. I agree a lot with what you're saying about the 'off the cushion' aspects of the practice... I know for myself personally that area has been very important and is often overlooked in meditation centered practices. But I also believe firmly that the foundation of the entire practice is life long daily meditation... I only know of one Western Lay Dhamma teacher who doesnt sit regularly, and I know of no Ajahn's who don't meditate regularly. I look at the 2 Ajahns who have been most helpful to my own practice, Thanissaro Bhikku & Bhante G, and see that they still continue formal meditation practice even after 40 someodd and 60 someodd years of regular practice respectively... and these are meditation masters of the highest caliber!

I try to avoid these sort of back and forth exchanges in general because they can be taken as argumentative... that's not my intention at all so I hope you don't take it as such. Just a friendly exchange :anjali:
"It's easy for us to connect with what's wrong with us... and not so easy to feel into, or to allow us, to connect with what's right and what's good in us."
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SDC
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Re: Practicing with a family

Post by SDC »

marc108 wrote:trying to practice the Noble 8 Fold Path in daily life without formal meditation practice of some sort would be akin to trying to be a doctor without going to medical school.
I only sit a few times a month. But I practice every moment of every day and have had profound progress. Please explain how this has happened?

I understand I am taking this off topic and apologize.
“Life is swept along, short is the life span; no shelters exist for one who has reached old age. Seeing clearly this danger in death, a seeker of peace should drop the world’s bait.” SN 1.3
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Goofaholix
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Re: Practicing with a family

Post by Goofaholix »

marc108 wrote:Also relevant to this metaphor is that doctors must regularly relearn current medical & scientific advances. a 20 year old medical degree is fairly worthless in the scope of medicine as it is today. My personal opinion, and my understanding of the Buddha's teachings is that regular meditation is a must for the entire lifetime. I believe the Buddha continued to meditate daily even after his awakening. I believe, that unless we are awakened, there is still more to learn in meditation. I agree a lot with what you're saying about the 'off the cushion' aspects of the practice... I know for myself personally that area has been very important and is often overlooked in meditation centered practices. But I also believe firmly that the foundation of the entire practice is life long daily meditation... I only know of one Western Lay Dhamma teacher who doesnt sit regularly, and I know of no Ajahn's who don't meditate regularly. I look at the 2 Ajahns who have been most helpful to my own practice, Thanissaro Bhikku & Bhante G, and see that they still continue formal meditation practice even after 40 someodd and 60 someodd years of regular practice respectively... and these are meditation masters of the highest caliber!
There you go again separating meditation from day to day activities. I think doing so indicates (jhana aside) a misunderstanding of what cushion time is supposed to achieve, if one can maintain the same quality of mind off the cushion as on then to me that's progress.

Yes I agree most western advanced practitioners continue to meditate but I believe they are much less reliant on intensive meditation retreats compared to when they were younger, especially as most have teaching, travel, and administrative responsibilities.

From what I've observed many asian teachers and senior monks do sitting meditation very little, at least in public.
Pronouns (no self / not self)
“Peace is within oneself to be found in the same place as agitation and suffering. It is not found in a forest or on a hilltop, nor is it given by a teacher. Where you experience suffering, you can also find freedom from suffering. Trying to run away from suffering is actually to run toward it.”
― Ajahn Chah
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Ben
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Re: Practicing with a family

Post by Ben »

Time to get back on topic, please.
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in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
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nobody12345
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Re: Practicing with a family

Post by nobody12345 »

To some who responded to my post.
I agree to the point that when you had children, you should put their welfare as one of your priorities.
(That is the reason why I don't have children and will never do so)
However, when it comes to choose your partner/lover, you have every right to choose the one that fits your lifestyle (or at least someone who is not trying to change you to his or her likings).
What is the meaning of having someone close to you who doesn't understand or support your urge and interest?
Personally I would never get married or get into a relationship so I admit that my perspective could be bit biased.
(The only family relationship that I have been maintaining is the one with my parent which I have to endure since I am the only child and I have a responsibility to take care of them till they pass away whether I like it or not.)
However, even if I have a girl friend and she's a Muslim or Jehova's witness or whatever, that needs to maintain her specific life style, I would never try to modify or change her life style to suit my likings.
When I used to date (a lot), I never tried to change anybody so I know that.
If you really love someone, you would support the person's choice even if that is not your likings.
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Beautiful Breath
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Re: Practicing with a family

Post by Beautiful Breath »

imaginos wrote:To some who responded to my post.
I agree to the point that when you had children, you should put their welfare as one of your priorities.
(That is the reason why I don't have children and will never do so)
However, when it comes to choose your partner/lover, you have every right to choose the one that fits your lifestyle (or at least someone who is not trying to change you to his or her likings).
What is the meaning of having someone close to you who doesn't understand or support your urge and interest?
Personally I would never get married or get into a relationship so I admit that my perspective could be bit biased.
(The only family relationship that I have been maintaining is the one with my parent which I have to endure since I am the only child and I have a responsibility to take care of them till they pass away whether I like it or not.)
However, even if I have a girl friend and she's a Muslim or Jehova's witness or whatever, that needs to maintain her specific life style, I would never try to modify or change her life style to suit my likings.
When I used to date (a lot), I never tried to change anybody so I know that.
If you really love someone, you would support the person's choice even if that is not your likings.

I have to say you sound really selfish (I mean that in an unagressive way honestly). You will get into a relationship....you will probably have children....you're unlikely to escape the Darwinian pull....LOL!!!
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