Joke!!!

[Kim O'Hara]

This is a ''groaner''.

all right, all right, you did warn us ... but I still read it ...


Kim

[cooran]

The Hypnotist Accident

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

[Reductor]

Bwaaaaahahahaaa! Great one.

[cooran]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet


To buy Degas


To make the Van Gogh.!


Now, see if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse!

[Dan74]

Cooran, you've just won this lovely t-shirt for posting the same daggy joke three times. (please PM me your address and I will be sure to order it for you!)



(They also make them in lady colours!)

And ya know, it ain't gonna get funnier in a year's time!

http://dhammawheel.com/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=5479&p=123309&hilit=Toulouse#p123309

http://dhammawheel.com/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=5479&p=99973&hilit=Toulouse#p99973

[cooran]

Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I won a T-shirt!

And it has now been proven that someone actually reads the Joke Thread and remembers them!! .... unlike me.

[cooran]

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
=========================================
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.

To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.

At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
===================================================
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Megan Fox sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Megan Fox and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Megan Fox and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Megan Fox was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again

[Kim O'Hara]

I'm not absolutely sure this is a joke but it is as funny as hell ... http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/07/03/bill-mckibben-on-the-global-warming-hoax.html


Kim

[cooran]

Dictionary of Men’s Sayings and What They Mean

“I’M GOING FISHING.”
“I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a lake with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“IT’S A GUY THING.”
“There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” or “YES, DEAR.”
Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN.”
“I have no idea how it works or what I’m trying to explain.”
“WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE.”
“Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
“Are you still talking?”
“IT’S A REALLY GOOD MOVIE.”
“It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women.”
“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
“I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
“The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“OH, DON’T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
“I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
“HEY I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.”
“And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
“It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
“What did you catch me at? Which time?”
“I HEARD YOU.”
“I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
“I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
“Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
“I’M NOT LOST I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
“No one will ever see us alive again.”
===============================================

BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN*

We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
* We can cry and get off speeding fines.
* We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* Taxis stop for us.
* We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* Free drinks, free dinners, free movies.
* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
* No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
* We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
* We have the ability to dress ourselves.
* We can talk to people of the opposite s#x without having to picture them naked.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
* We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

[Kim O'Hara]

* No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

I was going to post a pic of one of our politicians wearing The Speedo for the benefit of mystified non-Aussies but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Too painful.
But I can't leave them totally mystified either. Compromise: here's a link http://buttonpushingmonkey.wordpress.com/2010/02/01/in-defence-of-sigh-tony-abbott/ that will take you to a photo.
I apologise in advance for the distress it causes.


Kim

[cooran]

Toughen up, Kim!!!

Take a deep breath, grit your teeth, and LOOK:

THE BUDGIE SMUGGLER

[Dan74]

It must be a European thing but I could never quite get what the big deal was. Yeah, the guy's got genitals, he was swimming, that's what people wear when they swim. I know after a quarter century in this country (well, in the country I normally reside, I am in Turkey now) I am still clueless about some things.

I mean there are things to criticize about Abbott, how about his reckless stance on Global Warming for starters, but speedos? I don't get it.

I should do a male version of this spoof:

[Kim O'Hara]

It must be a European thing but I could never quite get what the big deal was. Yeah, the guy's got genitals, he was swimming, that's what people wear when they swim. I know after a quarter century in this country (well, in the country I normally reside, I am in Turkey now) I am still clueless about some things.

I mean there are things to criticize about Abbott, how about his reckless stance on Global Warming for starters, but speedos? I don't get it.

Hi, Dan,
This is OT for the jokes thread (sorry, Cooran) but I think the issue is that he seems to think that having a healthy body makes him a better political leader and that showing it off will make people vote for him. Those are two worryingly stupid lines of thought (whatever we might think about his other lines of thought).
He does have company, although I doubt that he would like people to think of him as a soulmate of ... Putin
http://cdn.theatlantic.com/static/infocus/putin091311/p19_RTR26F3Y.jpg


Kim

[cooran]

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen"

[m0rl0ck]

2j4qag6.jpg (90.93 KiB) Viewed 962 times

[cooran]

Golf Balls
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”

“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse.

Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”

“I don’t remember much after that .”

[cooran]

Fool me once - shame on me

Fool me twice - shame on you

Fool me 350,000 times - you are the Weather Forecaster!

[cooran]

A father and baby polar bear were walking across the ice when the baby polar bear said to his dad
"Dad, am I part panda bear?"
"No", replied his dad. "Well then, am I part brown bear?" Again his dad said no.

A short time later the baby bear asked again,
"Dad, maybe I'm part koala bear?"
The father getting annoyed said, "look son, I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear.
Why on earth do you keep asking for?!"

"Because," the baby bear said, "I'm Bloody Freezing!".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day there were three ants, and they set out for their own separate journeys in a house.
One ant went to the oven, the second went to the freezer, and the third went to the toilet.

Later they met again, and discussed their journeys:
The first ant said "My journey was hot!"
The second ant said "My journey was cold!"
The third ant said "My journey was cool... until I almost drowned.

But then a stroke of luck hit,
from out of nowhere came this big brown log..."

(sorry )

[BubbaBuddhist]

[cooran]

Lets face it English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don‘t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn‘t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn‘t the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn‘t a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.

============================================================


One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each
of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU
BxxxxxD!!!!"
====================================================================

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
=========================================================================

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Anthony."
"Good morning father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Father Murphy, what is this?" Anthony asked.
"Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"
==============================================================================