My girlfriend

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My girlfriend

Postby lucky-2012 » Thu Jul 05, 2012 9:50 am

Friends.

I am going through a very difficult time. I feel my relationship with my girlfriend can't survive. I tried to tell her this morning but she wouldn't accept it. I feel like I just want to focus on dhamma and I told her this. I have had mental health issues in the past, and feel like I am going through another such period now. I have an appointment with the doctor this afternoon and he will probably change my medicine. I am desperate to meet a teacher who can help either with the break up, or help me learn to live with her. She depends on me financially, spiritually and emotionally, although she has no interest in spiritual or religious things. She said all she wanted was to be with me. I would be grateful for any advice which may help at this difficult time.

With metta
"Make it your sport — watching the defilements and making them starve, like a person giving up an addiction"

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Re: My girlfriend

Postby Ben » Thu Jul 05, 2012 10:57 am

Put off any decisions until after you've seen your doctor. If he changes your dosage or your medication, then wait until that medication has taken effect before making a big decision. If you are going through another episode of mental illness, then it is more than likely your perception of reality is somewhat skewed.
kind regards,

Ben
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Re: My girlfriend

Postby Chi » Thu Jul 05, 2012 11:26 am

Lucky,

My approach would be a little different.

lucky-2012 wrote: I feel my relationship with my girlfriend can't survive. I tried to tell her this morning but she wouldn't accept it. I feel like I just want to focus on dhamma and I told her this.


You already know what's best for you. You know the relationship has reached its end. Don't get sucked in by another person's wants and attachments just because you feel bad for them. The longer you hold on, the more pain in the end.

lucky-2012 wrote:She depends on me financially, spiritually and emotionally, although she has no interest in spiritual or religious things. She said all she wanted was to be with me.


It sounds like your girlfriend is draining you of energy that could be dedicated to your own liberation and for the liberation of all beings. Is this what you want?

Go to the doctor, get your new medicine, and muster up the courage to be and do what you want. Let nobody manipulate you for their selfish desires.
Do Good, Avoid Evil, Purify the Mind.
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Re: My girlfriend

Postby nobody12345 » Thu Jul 05, 2012 12:59 pm

lucky-2012 wrote:Friends.

I am going through a very difficult time. I feel my relationship with my girlfriend can't survive. I tried to tell her this morning but she wouldn't accept it. I feel like I just want to focus on dhamma and I told her this. I have had mental health issues in the past, and feel like I am going through another such period now. I have an appointment with the doctor this afternoon and he will probably change my medicine. I am desperate to meet a teacher who can help either with the break up, or help me learn to live with her. She depends on me financially, spiritually and emotionally, although she has no interest in spiritual or religious things. She said all she wanted was to be with me. I would be grateful for any advice which may help at this difficult time.

With metta


I feel your dilemma.
I was in a similar situation 2 years and 6 months ago.
And I choose to break up with my ex to focus on Dhamma practice.
In all honesty, that was the best decision I ever done in my life.

What most people don’t want to hear is, Dhamma practice requires solitude and seclusion.
Even the most understanding male-female relationship is still hinderance for the practice, let alone the one with NOT so understanding partner.

So I think the best route for you is to break up with her and putting your energy and effort to Dhamma.
And from what I found, one can live well without relationship or sex even in the lay life.
Most people think that is impossible.
Even I thought that I couldn’t live without sex.
But that’s a wrong assumption.
Living without such attachment is much more spacious and wide open for Dhamma practice.
Flame (that has been tormenting us) is getting weaker and weaker and one feels much more ease and delight observing the dying flame.
And instead of finding joy in the flame of charcoal pit, the supreme replacement is filling the void and the replacement’s name is Dhamma.

And regarding your girlfriend, don’t worry because her potential partners are everywhere.
She’ll have a brand new one.

I wish you all the best in Dhamma practice.

Ps: If You plan to have another relationship in the future, make sure find one who does practice Dhamma.
Although I think the solitary life is the best for Dhamma practice, I understand that's not for everybody.
So if you still need one (relationship) then make sure that you find a new partner who are striving for Dhamma practice as much as you are.
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Re: My girlfriend

Postby santa100 » Thu Jul 05, 2012 5:50 pm

lucky-2012 wrote:
"She depends on me financially, spiritually and emotionally, although she has no interest in spiritual or religious things. She said all she wanted was to be with me."

Abandoning someone who depends on you financially, spiritually, and emotionally doesn't sound like a practice of compassion. So before you do anything, make sure she's safe financially and emotionally. At the very least, make sure she has other means of support so she won't face hunger and homelessness when you're no longer with her..
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Re: My girlfriend

Postby theravada_guy » Thu Jul 05, 2012 7:54 pm

Good advice from everyone, here.

I know with me, personally, relationships only complicate my life and affect my practice of Dhamma in a negative fashion. I agree with the previous poster that said solitude is best for Dhamma practice. However, I understand that isn't possible for everyone.

I, too, have mental health issues, but they've been under control for years now. Keep your doctor informed, keep taking your medication(s), and take things one thing at a time. When you split with this girl, I would suggest following santa's advice, but also that of everyone else who has posted. I'm not a mental health care practitioner, but I know from personal experience that keeping the doctor up to date and always taking the medications as prescribed is very important.

I may not have helped much with this post, but I do wish you the best.

P.S.-Would metta bhavana be good for someone in this situation?
With metta,

Justin
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Re: My girlfriend

Postby lucky-2012 » Fri Jul 06, 2012 10:07 am

The doc tentatively diagnosed with bipolar. I think for now the best thing is to just focus on feeling better - the four noble truths, what causes suffering, etc.

With best wishes
"Make it your sport — watching the defilements and making them starve, like a person giving up an addiction"

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/thai ... ensed.html
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Re: My girlfriend

Postby Ben » Fri Jul 06, 2012 12:16 pm

lucky-2012 wrote:The doc tentatively diagnosed with bipolar. I think for now the best thing is to just focus on feeling better - the four noble truths, what causes suffering, etc.

With best wishes


And I do wish you the very best with that.
There is a very good documentary produced by the BBC on Stephen Fry talking about bi-polar and his own experience of it.
It is very worthwhile.
with metta,

Ben
"One cannot step twice into the same river, nor can one grasp any mortal substance in a stable condition, but it scatters and again gathers; it forms and dissolves, and approaches and departs."

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Re: My girlfriend

Postby lucky-2012 » Fri Jul 06, 2012 2:48 pm

Thank you Ben. I did see that documentary ages ago, but will watch it again now - from a very different point of view obviously. My plan is to be more open about my relationship with buddhism now and my girlfriend is slowly coming to terms with that. Also obviously I must respect what the doctors are saying, and keep in mind the wish to do what is best for all living beings. This has also motivated me to stop smoking weed, stop drinking and start meditating daily. Obviously this is going to be a difficult period for me but I am feeling quite positive right now.
"Make it your sport — watching the defilements and making them starve, like a person giving up an addiction"

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/thai ... ensed.html
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Re: My girlfriend

Postby LonesomeYogurt » Fri Jul 06, 2012 5:05 pm

lucky-2012 wrote:Thank you Ben. I did see that documentary ages ago, but will watch it again now - from a very different point of view obviously. My plan is to be more open about my relationship with buddhism now and my girlfriend is slowly coming to terms with that. Also obviously I must respect what the doctors are saying, and keep in mind the wish to do what is best for all living beings. This has also motivated me to stop smoking weed, stop drinking and start meditating daily. Obviously this is going to be a difficult period for me but I am feeling quite positive right now.

Buddhist or not, the choice to stop using intoxicants is a very positive one. That goes double for someone with a mental illness.

Please keep us updated on how you're doing and the progress you're making along the path. I know that Dhamma can be a great support when dealing with mental illness, but it can also be a struggle. If you need any support or advice, I'm sure many of us can offer some. More importantly, just do what your doctor tells you and try and observe the precepts to the best of your ability.

May the Triple Gem bless you!
Gain and loss, status and disgrace,
censure and praise, pleasure and pain:
these conditions among human beings are inconstant,
impermanent, subject to change.

Knowing this, the wise person, mindful,
ponders these changing conditions.
Desirable things don’t charm the mind,
undesirable ones bring no resistance.

His welcoming and rebelling are scattered,
gone to their end,
do not exist.
- Lokavipatti Sutta

Stuff I write about things.
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Re: My girlfriend

Postby Ben » Fri Jul 06, 2012 11:24 pm

LonesomeYogurt wrote:
lucky-2012 wrote:Thank you Ben. I did see that documentary ages ago, but will watch it again now - from a very different point of view obviously. My plan is to be more open about my relationship with buddhism now and my girlfriend is slowly coming to terms with that. Also obviously I must respect what the doctors are saying, and keep in mind the wish to do what is best for all living beings. This has also motivated me to stop smoking weed, stop drinking and start meditating daily. Obviously this is going to be a difficult period for me but I am feeling quite positive right now.

Buddhist or not, the choice to stop using intoxicants is a very positive one. That goes double for someone with a mental illness.

Please keep us updated on how you're doing and the progress you're making along the path. I know that Dhamma can be a great support when dealing with mental illness, but it can also be a struggle. If you need any support or advice, I'm sure many of us can offer some. More importantly, just do what your doctor tells you and try and observe the precepts to the best of your ability.

May the Triple Gem bless you!


And seconded!
with metta,

Ben
"One cannot step twice into the same river, nor can one grasp any mortal substance in a stable condition, but it scatters and again gathers; it forms and dissolves, and approaches and departs."

- Hereclitus


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Re: My girlfriend

Postby Rui Sousa » Tue Jul 10, 2012 10:36 pm

lucky-2012 wrote:Thank you Ben. I did see that documentary ages ago, but will watch it again now - from a very different point of view obviously. My plan is to be more open about my relationship with buddhism now and my girlfriend is slowly coming to terms with that. Also obviously I must respect what the doctors are saying, and keep in mind the wish to do what is best for all living beings. This has also motivated me to stop smoking weed, stop drinking and start meditating daily. Obviously this is going to be a difficult period for me but I am feeling quite positive right now.


I am very happy you decided to stop smoking weed and stopped drinking. I made the same decisions 5 years ago, that has change my life for the better in so many ways.

I wish you the best of lucks with your mental health situation. Someone very close to me has been diagnosed with a mild bi-polar disturbance several years ago, medication and therapy helped a lot and now this person is stable for at least 4 years. Hang on through the tougher times, be patient and confident in a better future.

Metta.
With Metta
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Re: My girlfriend

Postby Dmytro » Wed Jul 11, 2012 5:43 am

Hi,

lucky-2012 wrote:I am going through a very difficult time. I feel my relationship with my girlfriend can't survive.


You may find useful the course http://poweroftwomarriage.com/

I tried to tell her this morning but she wouldn't accept it. I feel like I just want to focus on dhamma and I told her this. I have had mental health issues in the past, and feel like I am going through another such period now. I have an appointment with the doctor this afternoon and he will probably change my medicine. I am desperate to meet a teacher who can help either with the break up, or help me learn to live with her. She depends on me financially, spiritually and emotionally, although she has no interest in spiritual or religious things. She said all she wanted was to be with me.


This reminds me strongly of the "borderline" personality I once met:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/collecti ... t-leave-me

With metta
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Re: My girlfriend

Postby puppha » Mon Aug 13, 2012 4:25 pm

santa100 wrote:Abandoning someone who depends on you financially, spiritually, and emotionally doesn't sound like a practice of compassion. So before you do anything, make sure she's safe financially and emotionally. At the very least, make sure she has other means of support so she won't face hunger and homelessness when you're no longer with her..

Some people are very good at maintaining themselves in a constant state of dependency. A truly astonishing number of people are afraid of letting their dependency go, because they fear being left alone and without support. They lack the internal resources to stand on their feet by themselves and have not been able to grow up from the infantile fear of being abandoned.
They also do not take any responsibility for the situation they are in; it's the fault of their parents, the government, the system, a bearevement, their employer, etc. (Please note that I am not talking about temporary hardship there).
These people are like vampires, they suck the energy, money and goodwill of the people who try to help them. To a simile found in the canon for desires, they are like bottomless pits.
The truth is that only them can help themselves. The best you can do is leave them, save your time and energy for better use. I speak from personal experience and observation. Some people just don't want to get out of the pit they are in.

I am not saying the OP's girlfriend is in this category. That is just my 2p contribution of personal experience.

With Metta
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