Confession

[Cittasanto]

Ok posting here as it seams more appropriate to me than the personal experiences area, but move if you see fit!
This Evening I completely lost my temper at work. I mean completely.
Screaming shouting....
The reason for this is a sense of isolation all the time at work, if I am not stuck somewhere and forgotten and left to walk back to the office (which today took over an hour) I am surrounded by people who do not speak or try to speak the language here. not to mention the past two weeks have not been the best (to say the least) for one reason or another, which ended up being taken out on the people I am working with tonight.
but this is no excuse, but an observation of possible causes/contributing factors.
any advise on ways to help counter act this happening again in the future?

EDIT - I have had a nasty temper in the past more so than more recently.

[Magoo]

Hi Cittasanto,

I think you probably know how already, but maybe hoping for some reassurance? I too have had some recent personnel issues, which normally would have resulted in me "reacting" in unwholesome and unskillful ways. My practice is to Not react in the heat of the moment. Be mindfull and aware of your thoughts and subsequent emotions. But this is the biggest challenge to our egos, which wants to react and defend or even attempt to hurt the others as much as we feel hurt ouselves. My practice and my suggestion is do everything you can to let the moment pass....the thought "this too will pass" helps. Also, at times I try to remind myself that what is happening is not personnel, in that the other people usually arent doing something to only hurt you. If you were anyone else they would have acted the same or it could even be wrong perceptions? Maybe watching your breathe or just passively observing your emotions until they fade away. This may need to be done again and again as the thoughts will try to come flooding back, but each time they are weakened.

I understand your sitiuation as I have used my practice many times in recent months. Confidence comes from seeing the results. There is not once that I have not been happy, that I didnt react in the moment the way I initially wanted to.

Also it is these moments that offer the best time to practice. So again as difficult as it can be, I try and take the approach of being happy to be presented with this opportunity to practice. Try and take some positive out of the negative.

Your awareness, demonstrated by investigating this issue and trying to find better ways of dealing with it in the furture already shows how advanced you are. No one has ever said our chosen path was easy?

Good luck

With MegaMetta
Eamonn

[Ben]

Hi Cittasanto,

Sorry to hear things are a bit pear-shaped at the moment.
As far as isolation goes - I understand.
Fortunately for us - we have the Dhamma and the companionship of our kalayanamittas. Even if our contact with our Dhamma friends is mediated via the Internet it can still be a profoundly positive influence in our practice and daily life.
As far as managing one's anger - i assume that generally your anger is lessening and that eruptions are becoming less frequent. Continue with your practice - it is your anchor.
with metta,

Ben

[Alobha]

This talk on dealing with anger by Ajahn Brahmali may be helpful.

[Mr Man]

Full blown rage can erupt like a volcano out of nowhere but in my opinion it comes form not really acknowledging the little frustrations as they mount. Not being able to control the way things are is a great source of frustration. being aware of the anger as it rises in the chest may be of help. opening the hands and consciously trying to relax the body may help as well.

[sunyavadin]

We all do things we are ashamed of later. It is part of the human condition. Loosing our temper is one such thing. It can happen to anyone. Maybe one way to look on it is a lesson in humility. We have a lot of stored-up sankharas, inherent tendencies, which can be provoked, and then appear, at a moment's notice. That is the reality of the situation. Confession is part of the healing of it, because it signals the willingness to acknowledge that there is a problem that needs attention. Above all we just have to acknowledge that these tendencies still have some hold on us. That's the humility part. I do believe that over time, mindful awareness loosens the hold of such things on us, but this is not an easy thing or a magic formula, in that these tendencies have a lot of intertia.

[Sam Vara]

Cittasanto

I feel for you. You probably feel terrible now, that you have let yourself down. But have you seen this:

Training in the skill of right action also involves accountability. In the domain of our inner work we are primarily accountable to ourselves. In the domain of outer work we need to know that we are willing to be accountable to others. And this applies however long we might have been in the training. As a new monk I heard that, while already a leader of a sizeable monastic community, Ajahn Chah once lost his temper and threw a spittoon at a novice. The Ajahn made absolutely sure he knew for himself, and that the community knew, that he stood to account for his heedlessness: he put himself on a fast for a week.

(From Ajahn Munindo, The gift of well-being)

Everyone loses it from time to time. If it is possible for you to apologise, then doing so might help. I know that it might not be possible for you right now. But even then, don't beat yourself up about it. My advice would be to make some kind of symbolic amends that makes sense to you. And then move on. Even reading your posts here, people know that you are a person of good will, so don't dwell on it.

[befriend]

patience and biting your tonque are virtuous gifts we give to ourselves meaning maintaining sila pacifies the mind if you expressed yourself in a calm manner it might work out better, you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.

[SDC]

There are things that happen around us that are upsetting. A lot of the time (especially for people practicing the dhamma and other disciplined lifestyles) we do not want these things to be upsetting to us, or we think that it shouldn’t be upsetting to us. So when we see it we just dismiss it based on how we want to be feeling about it rather than how we actually feel about it, and we keep doing this over and over. But the constant dismissal takes its toll and it seems like it was mounting with your situation for some time and it finally let go. It seems like you are willing to admit that it has been a lonely situation and that you wish you weren’t so isolated.

Going forward I would try to not to let it build up. It’s easier said than done, especially when the situation is not improving. Do any of your co-workers speak your language? How do you communicate with others? Can anything be done to improve communication and the relationships?

[SDC]

Everyone loses it from time to time. If it is possible for you to apologise, then doing so might help. I know that it might not be possible for you right now. But even then, don't beat yourself up about it. My advice would be to make some kind of symbolic amends that makes sense to you. And then move on. Even reading your posts here, people know that you are a person of good will, so don't dwell on it.

Good post.

[Cittasanto]

Hi All,
Thanks for your replies, thoughts...
only two points I will reply about for now
Sam Vara
I really apreciated the Ajahn Munindo/Luang Por Chah quote. I have read it before and liked that story.

Unfortunately these frustrations were acknowledged and dealt with to the best of mine and the companies ability each time, unfortunately others and those I lost my temper with diregarded the requests and continued to do it. so over the past number of months patient endurance has been employed and had now unfortunately ran out.

yesterday was worse for other reasons as part of the job I do has recently changed and travel difficulties compounded the sense of isolation.

[DAWN]

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka ... .than.html
SN 9.9
Vajjiputta Sutta: The Vajjian Princeling

I live in the wilderness all alone like a log cast away in the forest. On a night like this, who could there be more miserable than me?

As you live in the wilderness all alone like a log cast away in the forest, many are those who envy you, as hell-beings do, those headed for heaven.

Hi Cittasanto, I have the same problem on my job, but on the contrary my boss push me to communicte with others, but my traquility is the only treasure that I have, and realy I don't know about what I can talk with other "modern" peoples... But my boss don't understand that.

I would like to exchange with you, I think that you have a great conditions to practice, it's a treasure.

Anyway, if we watch closely we can understand why there is this kind of reactions.
Ego need to be supported, must be feed to survive. This food is the reflect that society returns to you, ego is constructed by this reflect, so when the ego dont get his support of existance, he collapses.
When the mind identifiyng with the personality, with the memory of experiance of the body, this collapse bring a lot of suffer, and can be expressed by this violent way. It's someting normal, it's the reaction of ego who collapse without support. Often i compare modern peoples with crayfish, why ? Because crayfish have an external sceleton who support them, like a peoples, they lives by a reflect that the society retourns to they, they have an external skeleton, they dont have internal spine that support them, they dont have a refuge in themselves.

It's an vey impotant moment to abandon the ego, dont miss the moment of weakness of ego to destroy it completely.

When the home is destoyed, you can build a new one, but also you can leave the ruins, go forth, to the free life of the one who is homeless, ego-less, ascetic, like those awekend ones, having rightly known, fare evenly amidst the uneven SN 1.1.7-8

[Annapurna]

I am surrounded by people who do not speak or try to speak the language here.

You mean they don't speak your language, - they are from abroad?

They are communicating with each other, but you are excluded, because you don't speak theirs, and they are either intentionally or unintentionally using their own?

Is it this?

[Cittasanto]

I am surrounded by people who do not speak or try to speak the language here.

You mean they don't speak your language, - they are from abroad?

They are communicating with each other, but you are excluded, because you don't speak theirs, and they are either intentionally or unintentionally using their own?

Is it this?

yes.

I have removed the text because I do not wish to divulge more than necessary on the situation!

[Annapurna]

Oh my goodness, Cittasanto, that is a challenge...

Wouldn't you say that you are getting "mobbed"...?

Have you talked to the boss about it...?

Do you have a works council, or ombudsman or something?

May I ask what their nationality is? Religion? Perhaps there is a key hidden in the differences...

I'm sorry if I missed something in your previous descriptions, -this is not my Native tongue.

Hope you are feeling a bit better!

[Cittasanto]

Oh my goodness, Cittasanto, that is a challenge...

Wouldn't you say that you are getting "mobbed"...?

Have you talked to the boss about it...?

Do you have a works council, or ombudsman or something?

May I ask what their nationality is? Religion? Perhaps there is a key hidden in the differences...

I'm sorry if I missed something in your previous descriptions, -this is not my Native tongue.

Hope you are feeling a bit better!

I am feeling fine! Although as this situation is naturally on my mind things are linking together and it is tiring to separate the facts from the proliferations constantly.
The Bosses are aware of the situation that happened, and I am going to point some things out to them today.

I edited the last post removing the further descriptions. even though I do not feel they are wrong, it is just to stay on the safe side.

[Ben]

Yesterday my patience also ran out. For me it was my backyard, the grass was getting far to long, and by then I have had enough of that ----. Determined to tell the lawn something about not growing wild I went with stiff steps directly to my garage for my big lawnmower. I fired it up, and started to cut the "#$%&! grass, the whole 100 square meter, so you could say I was not happy about the situation. It always takes time. Time I could have used on other stuff. Anyway, about halfway out in the grass cutting, and in what might be called a mistaken attempt to keep the mind calm. I realized that I actually never ever had changed the way I cut my grass, not for years, well, I'm a buddhist ain't I? So I figured I could try to changed the way I cut it! You know. Starting with the beginning, then halfway out, jumping right to the end, for then go backwards to the middle again to finish…

Amazingly enough, nothing happened. No change in me. The grass was just cut, and it was really unsatisfactory knowing that this grass would never stay cut. It will grow back. Getting long again, and then I might have to cut it all over again. Oh, thou situation..

But, I do hope that I one day, it might not even be in this life, I will just let the grass grow freely, letting it get as long as it self want. Wishing it happy conditions. Cause by then I would not mind anymore, and I would not mind having lawnmower go rust away in my garage. For sooner or later I suspect the grass will grow so high, getting so heavy, that it will just fall to the ground by it self.

Best wishes.

[Ben]

Yesterday my patience also ran out. For me it was my backyard, the grass was getting far to long, and by then I have had enough of that ----. Determined to tell the lawn something about not growing wild I went with stiff steps directly to my garage for my big lawnmower. I fired it up, and started to cut the "#$%&! grass, the whole 100 square meter, so you could say I was not happy about the situation. It always takes time. Time I could have used on other stuff. Anyway, about halfway out in the grass cutting, and in what might be called a mistaken attempt to keep the mind calm. I realized that I actually never ever had changed the way I cut my grass, not for years, well, I'm a buddhist ain't I? So I figured I could try to changed the way I cut it! You know. Starting with the beginning, then halfway out, jumping right to the end, for then go backwards to the middle again to finish…

Amazingly enough, nothing happened. No change in me. The grass was just cut, and it was really unsatisfactory knowing that this grass would never stay cut. It will grow back. Getting long again, and then I might have to cut it all over again. Oh, thou situation..

But, I do hope that I one day, it might not even be in this life, I will just let the grass grow freely, letting it get as long as it self want. Wishing it happy conditions. Cause by then I would not mind anymore, and I would not mind having lawnmower go rust away in my garage. For sooner or later I suspect the grass will grow so high, getting so heavy, that it will just fall to the ground by it self.

Best wishes.

Be carefull with cutting grass machine.
One of my clients, one mounth ago cutting his grass, and the machine was stopped, cause was blocked, so he try to clean in with his arm, and accidently he push on the "start", so now he have no fingers...
So dont worry about the grass, there is much more stressfull situation with it, when your fingers are cutted off by the machine
Awereness awereness awereness

[Ben]

I have had enough of that s---stuff.

I understand, but please watch your language.
Dhamma Wheel is a family friendly forum.

the whole 100 square meter...

[/quote]
Consider yourself lucky.
I have 18 hectares of grounds to manage. Presently it is weed season.
From Spring through to Autumn I can very easily spend 4 days a week mowing grass and spraying weeds.
kind regards,

Ben

[Ben]

Yesterday my patience also ran out. For me it was my backyard, the grass was getting far to long, and by then I have had enough of that ----. Determined to tell the lawn something about not growing wild I went with stiff steps directly to my garage for my big lawnmower. I fired it up, and started to cut the "#$%&! grass, the whole 100 square meter, so you could say I was not happy about the situation. It always takes time. Time I could have used on other stuff. Anyway, about halfway out in the grass cutting, and in what might be called a mistaken attempt to keep the mind calm. I realized that I actually never ever had changed the way I cut my grass, not for years, well, I'm a buddhist ain't I? So I figured I could try to changed the way I cut it! You know. Starting with the beginning, then halfway out, jumping right to the end, for then go backwards to the middle again to finish…

Amazingly enough, nothing happened. No change in me. The grass was just cut, and it was really unsatisfactory knowing that this grass would never stay cut. It will grow back. Getting long again, and then I might have to cut it all over again. Oh, thou situation..

But, I do hope that I one day, it might not even be in this life, I will just let the grass grow freely, letting it get as long as it self want. Wishing it happy conditions. Cause by then I would not mind anymore, and I would not mind having lawnmower go rust away in my garage. For sooner or later I suspect the grass will grow so high, getting so heavy, that it will just fall to the ground by it self.

Best wishes.

Lol, I loved your story!

That's where I am for most of the year...

I do not use fertilizer anymore, only rarely, and the lawn turned into an amazing flower meadow. I cut it the first time after most of the flowers are gone, until then the garden belongs to itsself and it's animals....and then I cut short again whenever it needs it. Lots of soft moss in it...

spares me a lot of time and nerves to just let nature be what it wan't to be.

English lawn? Who said I need that? Along with all the costs? It's a whole biz branch taht lives of telling me I need an english lawn.

Children love natural gardens, btw, and I also don't spray weed sprays, as they are a health risk.

Just like insecticides.

If they weren't, you could stir em in your yogurt, but you can't.

Here's the blue phase of my *lawn*!

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