Well, I haven't resolved the conflict in my mind but I feel much better for sharing and not being judged harshly. When I posted my thoughts on another forum I was told that I need to become a serious mediator, as though that would immediately remove all doubts.
Than Geoff tells a story about an Ajahn, maybe Ajahn Maha Boowa, who was told of a student who claimed to have no absolutely doubts about the Dhamma, which is a claiming to be a stream enterer in Thailand. The Ajahn covered his eyes and replied that he had no doubts about anything he saw.
Thank you for the conversation all.