Joke!!!

[BubbaBuddhist]

[Hanzze]

[cooran]

Jokes about the differences between Aussies, Brits, Americans and Canadians

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.


Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.


Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!


Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.


Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.


Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

[cooran]

Your duck is dead...


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "Madam, I am very sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on

the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad

eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately

sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and

strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the

Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[cooran]

A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town.
As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you".
The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing.
He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you".
This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard.
It looks him in the eye and says: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you".
The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot".
The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer".
The burglar laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot".
The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says:
"I agree completely..........and Jesus is a pretty silly name for a rotweiler".

[cooran]

An old monk, a little novice and a donkey, were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old monk was walking and the little novice was riding.

The old monk and novice thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little novice walk.' So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The old monk and the little novice figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

...Kiss your ass goodbye

[cooran]

This story tells us not to be 'too kind' to our bosses. Here it goes:


There's this Jed Smith who was working for a multi-millionare as a house guard. One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning flight to conclude a business deal, Jed Smith ran out from the guard house and stopped the millionaire's car just right in front of the gate.

He said 'Sir! Sir! Are you going to board a plane?'

'Yes, why?' asked the millionaire.
'You had better cancel the trip. You see, last night I dreamt about the plane going to crash.'
Curious over the early morning fright that Jed Smith had given, the multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip.

'You better be damn right for this is a million dollar deal.'







The following day, there was a news report that the plane which the millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed.
'Thank God, I cancelled the trip', the rich man said realising that what Jed Smith had said had come true, he summoned Smith to see him. When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his salary and FIRED him.

WHY did he do that?


Think first.....


Use your brains.....


Use your brains!!!


Still no idea?


Come on..... it is quite easy.....


Still drawing a blank???


Just imagine you are Jed Smith and you have saved your boss's life.....


OK, since you do not want to 'use your brain' like Jed Smith before you talk to your boss.

Just scroll down for the answer.....























ANSWER:

Jed Smith was supposed to guard the house at night. NOT to Sleep and Dream all night!













ADVICE:

So, GO BACK TO WORK, and don't try to save your boss's life. It's not worth it! Always save your own ass first!!!

[David N. Snyder]

Subject: Company Memo - Christmas Party
Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2012

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts
among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be
over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2012

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2012

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.


REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2012

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything
for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?


Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about
confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but
the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F u cking Employees

DATE: October 5, 2012

RE: The Fu c king Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*** salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!

The rest of you fuc k ing wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!

[Kim O'Hara]

FROM: Anil Panesar, team leader, Bangalore

TO: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: October 4, 2012

Dear Patty,
As leader of the company's off-shore (we try not to use the term 'Bangalored') IT department I applaud your attempt to be inclusive in the planning of your 'Holiday' Party. I must ask, however, whether that inclusiveness extends to invitations for my team? We are, after all, part of the company.
You would, of course, have to cover travel and accommodation expenses - but if our services are so highly specialised that they can not be sourced in your own country then I believe such expenses should be regarded as a normal cost of doing business in our wonderful globalised economy.
BTW, most of us are Hindu, so cattle are sacred to us.

Yours,

Anil.

[cooran]

Press Release: Christmas Downsizing

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1.The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

2.The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

3.The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

4.The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5.The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

6.The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

7.The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

8.As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

9.Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

10.Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

11.Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

12.We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

[cooran]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
………………………………
. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

[cooran]

Member: Anders Honoré posted these on Facebook:

A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a
little patient."

..................................
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.

"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
..................................

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...

the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
...................................

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
...................................

"A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a
little patient." - "I need you to be a little patient"?
....................................

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
(but wait, there's more...) The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother.

.................................................

So this string walks into a bar and sidles up to the bar. The string bangs on the bar and shouts "Bartender! Pour me a beer"

The bartender walks over to the string and sternly says "We dont serve your kind in here." The string says "What do you mean?", so the bartender replies by pointing to a sign hanging over the bar. It reads "No strings served here", so the string leaves

As he stands outside, he gets an idea. He bends over until the top of his head is hitting the ground. He rubs his head into the cement. Then, he grabs his feet and pulls them and twists them around his body and then around his body again. Then, he re-enters the bar

"Bartender! Pour me a beer" the string demands. The bartender walks up to him and angrily says "Look! I already told you. We don't serve strings here!!". The string, looking surprised says "String? You think I'm a string?" The bartender responds "Of course you're a string. You were a string when you came in a minute ago, and you're a string now!"

"I'm a frayed knot" replied the string.
....................................................

A snail bought a new sports car. He had a big "S" painted on each door, and when people saw him tearing around town at top speed in this thing, they would say, "Look at that 'S' car go!"

.................................................


A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

.....................................................
One day an elderly man went into the unemployment office and asked for a job. The lady at the desk asked him for his credentials.

"I'm a retired clergyman. I can play the harp, banjo, and guitar. I'm a little unsuited for any manual labour; got some bad knees."

As he spoke the lady at the desk drew back from him because of his terrible breath.

"I'm sorry," she said, "we don't currently have an opening for a super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis."

[corrine]

Thank you all so very much for making me smile today. What had started as a challenging time has ended in ear splitting laughter. I truly appreciate all of the light hearted humor.

corrine

[cooran]

A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar asking for money.

The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked “if I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate.”
“Don’t be ridiculous” the beggar replied “does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?”
“How about shopping?” she asked. “No,” the beggar said, “don’t you understand I need money just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend it on your hair?” the lady asked. Annoyed the beggar replied, “No, I just need money for food, and shelter.

“In that case” the lady said “I don’t want to just give you money I would like you to eat out with me and my husband tonight.”
“Why?” The beggar asked.
“Well,”the lady said “I think it’s important for him to see what a lady looks like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments.”

[Kim O'Hara]

ATT00026.jpg (41.52 KiB) Viewed 522 times

[cooran]

ATT00026.jpg

Hello Kim,

Cat Haiku

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet
For once I need you.

The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

My brain: Walnut-sized.
Yours: Largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.

Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise
I've lost interest.

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle is closer.

The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.

My affection is conditional.
Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love.

Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.

So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
These my "blades of death."

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.

[Kim O'Hara]

Thanks, Chris
I will pass them on (back?) to the person who sent me the photo.


Kim

[Kim O'Hara]

Meditation on the body?
http://xkcd.com/1148/

[cooran]

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Zen Buddhist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.

[seahorse]

Chris these are just brilliant! Loving the moggy haikus best.