I feel compassion, and a sort of zealousness when I see callousness to all beings, especially lower ones. I then thought of the distracting questions including why are animals one realm? If hell exists what could we do for those in such pain? (Tibetan Buddhism allows prayers and offerings to help those in the lower realms, I am not sure about Theravada.) If being reborn as a human is extremely rare, then what is the percentile split up of all beings in each place? Why do so many Buddhists see the world objectively, rather than believe in relative view? Why do Mahayana monks live in self sufficient temples, while theravada monks go out and gather food and necessities as offerings? These are all little questions concerning inconsistency,wandering of my mind, my misunderstandings, and modern values coming from the western mindset through the years. I don't want anyone to suffer, but my lack of indifference is a hindrance, ironically I am also in a way indifferent to the suffering everywhere especially in starving countries.
What I thought of next is why? If Nibbana to escape rebirth, then to be in the universe is some sort of lotus chamber or Matrix, to be is a great misfortune.
The seems nihilistic, not in the way the universe exists but how to approach being. The world is pretty real but should it be?
The universe has no supreme divine lord, that means our views and beliefs originate entirely with ourselves? I then think how everyone has their own view, using amazon.com reviews of books as an example, should I join in with those who think a particular book is terrible or those who liked it? How can I trust anyone elses information?
I then thought perhaps to see for myself, I want to see the entire way things work, what is the way and what is just a metaphor, so I can know for sure what the universe looks like and what is the truth of its nature. I want to know whether Buddhism is to accept or reject being and the fact I am and existence, there is.
I see too many paradoxes here and there, I just want to have a clear view of the absolute truth, which itself can't really exist but it could.
I am confused.


